(no subject)
The past three nights/days have been filled with suprise and intrigue. Had you asked me a month ago if this is what would happen I'd have confidently said "absolutely not." But I guess life is full of surprises. I've recently discovered that in fact, I do miss you. I miss the real you. I have for all this time. And I really didn't realize how guarded I've been until spending these three nights with you. My head full of a million things I wanted to ask you but couldn't. I can't put myself in that vulnerable state again with you until I'm confident that you have my best interests in mind. And through this time together I've realized I don't believe you really do. Its still there. I know it is. I felt it on Tuesday and I know you did too. But I honestly do think we are in two completely opposite places. There are things I want for myself in life. And the saddest part is that I know deep down in you, somewhere, you want those same things too. You just aren't ready yet. And thats okay. But I can't live like you live. I don't have it in me, nor is it healthy for me. I think you will always be most important to you, with everything else secondary and I can't love like that. I want to be addored. I want to be held like you held me these nights and not fear your unpredictability. Not fear that you can hold me with such passion now and toss me aside, bored tomorrow. I'm not convinced you have grown out of that. These words may sound harsh, but believe me they only sound harsh because of the lack of vocal tone with this forum of communication, because I'm not angry. Or hurt. This is more a matter of fact than anything being said with hurtful undertones. I needed that time with you. And someday I'd love to be able to have a sober, constructive conversation. But of course that ball is in your court. Someday we may be together. But I wont tollerate less than what I deem to be acceptable for me in the hopes that someday the real you, that sensitive, passionate, creative, caring person I once fell in love with, will snap back to reality and make a decision to be happy. Because I know we could be happy in some lifetime. I wish it actually. Until then however, these nights were amazing, jut know that I wont wait forever.