(no subject)
So I like to write here because I know pretty much no one reads this. Its cool. This topic has been plaguing me at night before I go to sleep for the past two or three nights in a row so here goes. Hopefuly it will be gone after this.
I had been thinking recently about how utterly un-attractive I feel these days. (This is of course ironic considering this is probably the thinnest I've been since oh, I don't know, conception.) Its no surprise to anyone that I have self image issues. But I'm having a battle of sorts, (mostly within myself) regarding this. I know I try to be a really great person. I am funny, and have a RIDICULOUS personality. I try to be compassionate, and caring. There are things I'm tallented at. Things I execute well. Things I exceed at. But my physical appearance is litterally ALL I think about. Every decision (for the most part) that I make throughout the day is somehow involved with this. The way I sit. The way I walk and carry myself. The way my hair falls around my face. All of it designed specifically to hide parts of me that I consider unnatractive. I'm CONSTANTLY reminding myself to let it go. That it's not me. It's not important. In fact my shrink even told me to recite things in my head on repeat when I start to cut myself down. The idea is that eventually this repetition will change the way I feel about myself. But heres the problem. Whenever I do this, I feel like a fraud. You know how there are those things we all tell ourselves everyday to make ourselves feel better, even if they aren't truth. Christine and I are queens of justification. "You're right you deserve that new CD!" or "It's ok if I don't accomplish what I want to on my day off because I'll have another soon and I'll just clean then" or whatever. We know that whatever we're telling ourselves is bullshit, and that we're telling ourselves little fibs to make it "okay" to do or believe something we know is untrue or not right because it makes us feel better in the moment. I feel like me telling myself I'm sexy, and tallented, and beautiful is exactly like that. Completely and obviously untrue to everyone, especially me. Isn't it the same? Now I'm not saying this to gain sympathy. I don't want to hear "Oh shut up Tanya, YOU ARE beautiful." Because that makes me feel like I'm just expressing this to get that reaction. That is not the case. And thats not what I want to hear. I'm merely getting this out so I can hopefully analyze it and figure it out a little I guess. It's kind of funny. There are so many character traits that I portray daily. When I hear people explain me, its interesting to hear whats said. Usually its all positive (from what is actually repeated in my presence at least! HA). I never agree with ANY of it either. I wonder why. If thats what people who "know" me think I'm all about then doesn't that make it truth? Then again some have said that I don't care about what others' oppinion of me is. I do believe that I've even uttered those exact words myself. It couldn't be further from the truth. Now that I've worked through all the immediate in the forefront, shit when do I REALLY start to not care. Is it even possible to completely rid oneself of concern for others' views. It'd be nice to honestly not care. I don't know if I ever could do that.
I had been thinking recently about how utterly un-attractive I feel these days. (This is of course ironic considering this is probably the thinnest I've been since oh, I don't know, conception.) Its no surprise to anyone that I have self image issues. But I'm having a battle of sorts, (mostly within myself) regarding this. I know I try to be a really great person. I am funny, and have a RIDICULOUS personality. I try to be compassionate, and caring. There are things I'm tallented at. Things I execute well. Things I exceed at. But my physical appearance is litterally ALL I think about. Every decision (for the most part) that I make throughout the day is somehow involved with this. The way I sit. The way I walk and carry myself. The way my hair falls around my face. All of it designed specifically to hide parts of me that I consider unnatractive. I'm CONSTANTLY reminding myself to let it go. That it's not me. It's not important. In fact my shrink even told me to recite things in my head on repeat when I start to cut myself down. The idea is that eventually this repetition will change the way I feel about myself. But heres the problem. Whenever I do this, I feel like a fraud. You know how there are those things we all tell ourselves everyday to make ourselves feel better, even if they aren't truth. Christine and I are queens of justification. "You're right you deserve that new CD!" or "It's ok if I don't accomplish what I want to on my day off because I'll have another soon and I'll just clean then" or whatever. We know that whatever we're telling ourselves is bullshit, and that we're telling ourselves little fibs to make it "okay" to do or believe something we know is untrue or not right because it makes us feel better in the moment. I feel like me telling myself I'm sexy, and tallented, and beautiful is exactly like that. Completely and obviously untrue to everyone, especially me. Isn't it the same? Now I'm not saying this to gain sympathy. I don't want to hear "Oh shut up Tanya, YOU ARE beautiful." Because that makes me feel like I'm just expressing this to get that reaction. That is not the case. And thats not what I want to hear. I'm merely getting this out so I can hopefully analyze it and figure it out a little I guess. It's kind of funny. There are so many character traits that I portray daily. When I hear people explain me, its interesting to hear whats said. Usually its all positive (from what is actually repeated in my presence at least! HA). I never agree with ANY of it either. I wonder why. If thats what people who "know" me think I'm all about then doesn't that make it truth? Then again some have said that I don't care about what others' oppinion of me is. I do believe that I've even uttered those exact words myself. It couldn't be further from the truth. Now that I've worked through all the immediate in the forefront, shit when do I REALLY start to not care. Is it even possible to completely rid oneself of concern for others' views. It'd be nice to honestly not care. I don't know if I ever could do that.