HELP!!

[newwaytodance]

My passion is making movies. I grab my video camera and go out and video tape anything and everything, from my friends offroading to nature shots of Hawaii. The video camera is a way to show others my world and opinions

Comments

[thiscrazy_dance]

"I videotaped “Saosin” and “Story of the Year.” Both are bands that are on the verge of making it big."
Find a way to combine those two sentences. Mention that Saosin and Story of the Year are bands before you say their names so that people don't get confused so early in your essay. You don't want them to have to go back and read it again.

"...and the music scene and can take away some of the stereotypical ideas..."
Get rid of the can in bold.

"The music scene and videotaping are my ways of escaping the everyday trials and tribulations."
It feels like there's a little something missing from that sentence. I don't know...add to it.

"It’s a feeling which is indescribable."
It doesn't sound natural...fix itttt

If you want more words, maybe grab their attention in the beginning with a little mini-story/vivid description of you standing on stage. The sweltering heat, the adrenaline rush, the bright lights and the sweat radiating off of their bodies, etc. Haha. The beginning needs a better attention-getter.

Work itt Scotty.

[gameoveryoul0se]

that is really neat scott and i just wanted to let you know i am proud of you [[as lame/corny as that sounds]] and im glad that we are friends
♥

[anonymous]

50% of the people who attend show, smoke before or drank before going to the show