[Oneshot] Always In Pain
Warning: Super Tears Attack! Please prepare tissue as your shield. Thank you XD
Note: Italics for thoughts. Italics plus bold for flash backs. Credits to chikara because I used a little conversation from Jin’s press conference translation.
A/N: Okay, I made another oneshot again. This is not the best oneshot I made, I was just lazing around and feeling very upset. Sorry to pikame fans but I made you guys very, very sad. Yamapi got no luck at this time. Well, that’s life. But I hurt Yamapi in another way round. T_T but it’s sad to leave Yamapi like that!! *cries*I don’t like angst too much… *hugs Pi chan*
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Yamapi sat on the couch next to the glass window, staring at the crowd. His grim eyes instantly caught a slender figure who was wandering down the street and making his way into the building. Those beautiful eyes, with tiny soft lips, curvy long hair with a feminine touch; everything about the figure seemed perfect and spellbinding, like the sight of a white angel. He clenched his shirt to where his heart was suffering. If only he had the strength to let it show, but he was too afraid of rejection. He was a man who has his pride to protect. He didn’t know how much longer he could stand and watch.
“Kazu, I can't fight this feeling anymore, but if I confess it to you, would you able to trust in my feelings for you?”
If he successfully confessed to Kame, Yamapi wondered if Kame would be able to response to those feelings he held in his heart. Would his confession erase all the unnecessary doubts Kame might have for Yamapi's true feelings? Furthermore, Yamapi always thought that Kame would not take a confession from him seriously, seeing it as a joke, because Yamapi had never showed his feelings towards the latter before. Care and love are different things so Kame might only think of Yamapi as friend because he only ever saw Yamapi care for him as a friend.
The urge to tell the truth was pressing against him with a startling desperation. After Nobuta wo Produce drama, they started to be good friends. They finally settled out their silly fights they had long time ago and made up to each other. Without realization, his feelings for Kame started growing in intensity and the latter’s personality started growing on him though slowly but gradually. Yet it was becoming increasingly difficult for Yamapi to resist the growing sensation of feelings he felt each day. The air that he breathed felt like it was blocked and his life was being choked to death. His left hand trailed the figure upon the glass, trying to touch the person. The person smiled at the staff who greeted him at the entrance. His cheerful side still showed but Yamapi knew it was an attempt to cover up what was below the surface. He knew a smile would not mend a broken heart.
Even though the world can only see your sweet, yet tender smile, you can’t hide your sadness from me. You may be able to fool the rest of the world, but you will never be able to fool me.
He gritted his teeth and crushed his fist into the couch hard. His hidden heart was in torture, crippled by the vein that streamed in an uncontrollable desire, along with the enormous pain inside. He looked through the glass but the person was out of sight now.
“Lost like you were nowhere can be held out. Lost like an untied red thread between us, clinging merciless upon unsteady fate.” He chuckled, his face looking at his feet, only a hard smile shown.
“Yamashita san, you got two hours left before appearing at Zoom In Saturday programme. I think it’s better to be there in time.”The female staff carefully explained his schedule for the day and tomorrow. Yamapi listened to every detail and nodded in understanding.
“Yeah, don’t worry. I won’t be late.” Yamapi thanked her and they bowed to each other before she walked out of the room. Few seconds later, he patted his knees and wandered off to get his job done.
As he walked through the hallway, someone was crossing the same path in front him while busy talking to two Juniors beside him. It was him, the person who kept appearing like his shadow and rocking his world like crazy. His eyes studied around that face and he never let his own admiration towards the beautiful creation show. The younger one felt someone watching him and he looked up to see the other. He managed a smile when he saw it was Yamapi who was there.
Damn! Don’t smile like that! I can’t…
“Yo!” The young one greeted happily from the corner.
“Yo! Kame!” Was his reply, showing his ‘kon kon’ statue. Kame and the juniors giggled because Yamapi sometimes acted so cute when he did his greeting. Both Juniors also greeted Yamapi and excused themselves to leave early as they needed to practise the dance steps. Yamapi calmed his walk, kept his cool, and passed by him in a quick pace yet steadily.
“Off somewhere?” The question popped out suddenly and Yamapi halted.
“Ah… Got an interview with Zoomin.” he said as he turned his face to look at Kame.
“Ah so that’s it.” Kame nodded and looked away.
“So I need to go now. See you later.” Yamapi touched his bangs and bit his lips. His heart was throbbing so hard inside and he could not risk having any thoughts besides leaving the conversation, and started to walk away. Kame just nodded again and greeted farewell.
They both walked away but after few steps, Yamapi secretly glanced back, If I could turn back time and caught you, would you notice me, Kazu? He sighed.
× • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • ×
Kame strolled to the couch, laying down on it weakly and coughed a few times. There was no one in the KAT-TUN dressing room because the other four members were out for lunch. Kame hadn’t joined them because he just finished his drama shooting this morning but he had managed to find time to visit his band members. Unfortunately, his timing was off so Kame decided to rest a little. Suddenly his head felt a bit dizzy, and his body felt burnt out. He tried to reassure himself that maybe it was because of the hot climate, but then he began to sweat a lot and he couldn’t force himself to move. He was tired; it felt as though all the energy was drained from his body.
Yamapi passed by KAT-TUN room purposely, looking for someone. His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden noise and he realized that someone had been coughing constantly. He snapped his fingers when he thought up an excuse for entering the KAT-TUN dressing room - he could act like he was looking for something!
“Do you guys know where my ---“He stopped at his half question when he saw his important person looking very sick on the couch.
Kazu… He ran towards the younger one and gently grabbed his hand.
“Kame what’s wrong?” He asked anxiously. Kame tilted his head and smiled when he saw Yamapi was there.
“I think I-I-am sick…” He tried to speak, while coughing and it ended up becoming worse the more he tried to talk and control his breathing at the same time. Yamapi ran his hands over Kame’s neck and he rested the palm of the other hand on his forehead.
“Oh my god! You have fever!” He shouted in fear.
“Come on, let’s see the doctor before it becomes worse.” Yamapi demanded, urging the younger one to move but Kame was too tired. Yamapi’s chest hurt and it felt as though he couldn’t breathe because it was too painful to see his Kazu like this.
My Kazu? In your dreams, Yamapi. He tapped his forehead.
“Let me carry you! My car is nearby.” Kame just nodded at his friend’s suggestion. Yamapi quickly carried him to his car. He ignored the juniors who were staring at them because it was not the time to be ashamed.
Kazu needs me. I must save him. He reminded himself and drove off.
× • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • ×
Yamapi caressed the younger man lovingly but made no attempt to disturb him from slumber. The doctor checked his blood pressure and his water level in his body. As soon he finished, the doctor and Yamapi walked away from the bed.
“So how is he?” Tiny lines of worry layered across his forehead. His heart was racing, thinking that maybe the case had gone from bad to worse.
“His current state needs him to rest. He was in depression and under a lot of pressure and stress and from your information earlier, he worked too hard and ignored his surrounding and finally cause him to get sick. For now, please ask him to take a holiday or two to let him rest. Don’t let him be alone. He needs someone who he can talk to.” The doctor explained while giving some medical prescription. Later, the two were left alone as the doctor excused himself to attend to another patient.
“You really scared me to death. Don’t you ever do that again!” He said, worry evident in his voice.
Yamapi sat beside him and with his fingers, moved Kame’s bangs away from his eye. Looking blue, Yamapi tried to prevent himself from shedding tears. He held Kame’s hand while watching him sleep.
What can I do to stop this? What can I do to take away your sadness, Kazu? He heaved a deep breath and rested his head on the bed.
“ Jin… Jin… “
Hearing that name suddenly being called out made his eyes snap open, widening. Yamapi looked up and saw that Kame was struggling on the bed. He caressed the younger one’s hair and whispered to him softly to calm him down.
“Shhh… It’s only nightmare. Just nightmare…” Seconds later, the younger one was sleeping peacefully.
He knew how much Kame missed Jin after he had gone to Los Angeles to study. He also knew about their secret relationship although sometimes it was very hard to predict those two. They were always fighting but then making up again. At one time, they just acted like nothing was happening. Sometimes they were only friends and nothing more. Although both of them were his good friends and Jin has been his best friend since they were kids, Yamapi still couldn’t figure out what kind of relationship those two were involved in. Yamapi was torn apart because he didn’t know how to bring up that issue. At the end of the day, he just wished that no one will get hurt from this and he could just stay away, keep pretending nothing was wrong.
Though his heart was bleeding each day, seeing the person the cared about the most pretend to be strong even though he knew that that person he cared about was in pain deep inside. Yet he couldn’t do anything to help. He felt so disgusting to just stand there and merely watch. Why have things become so hard? He gripped at his chest and closed his eyes. God, it’s aches so much. Here. In pain. Tapping his palm hard against his chest, he forced the tears back and calmed himself down again. He must not loose his wit. He needed to be strong for Kame.
When you’re lost, and you’re alone and can’t get back again… I’ll find you… bring you home. always… always Kazu…
Soon, the rest of KAT-TUN were gathered in Kame’s room because Yamapi had called Kame’s band members to let them know the situation before he had gotten to the hospital. They were late because they had been out of the town for another job. Yamapi also thought they had their lunch during the time because he only found Kame in the room. Alone and sick. Yamapi explained to them the details and informed that the doctor wanted Kame to stop working for a while and enjoy his own peaceful rest. They nodded as Yamapi finished explaining and Yamapi finally let himself to go home. He wanted to stay but Kame’s band members were here to take care of him. Furthermore, he also had his own band to worry about too.
× • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • ×
He stared the cloudy night sky, admiring the sight. His body slanted against the balcony wall, feeling the rain on his fingertips. It was raining heavily. He gazed at the flow of raindrops falling and his mind absorbed into the vacuous space.
“Pi, thank you for taking care of me. I’m sorry to have burdened you that day. But I’m really grateful. Thank you!” The younger one bowed to him. Yamapi told him not to; after all, it was to help a friend.
Friend? He chuckled. “I care because I love you, baka!” He screamed.
“Pi, thanks for the cream puffs you gave me yesterday. It was very delicious!” he exclaimed from his seat.
“Ah, I received them from someone as a gift. There was a lot though, so I decided to share it with you since you were there. So why not?” Yamapi grinned.
“You really are a kind person.” He praised. Yamapi flushed red and denied the praise.
Kind? He groaned. “I’ll do anything for your sake, Kazu!” He screamed more.
“Slurrrpppp… First!” Yamapi raised his hand high, claiming his victory. “Ouch, Kame what’s that for!” A hand smacked his head.
“You’re like a little kid! Behave more like an adult!” Kame whined.
“Mou… Its no fun. kon~ kon~” Doing his Akira character. Kame giggled and shook his head when Yamapi kept on chuuing his lips and acting cute but funny.
Kid? He laughed. “I love it when we are Shuuji and Akira. I had fun just being with you…” He murmured through the rough wind.
“Kame, I got an extra ticket. Do you want to watch a movie with me?” Yamapi was so nervous but he was so determined to ask the boy.
“EH! Is that the new movie on the cinema now? I’m dying to watch it!” The boy clapped his hands happily.
Kame checked his schedule to see if he was free at that time. “Baka! It might be boring you know. I can give it to someone else if---”
“Don’t discard it! Let’s go since I’m free. YOU must go too!” The boy cut off his words. Yamapi felt helpless hearing those words; he could not refuse Kame, but inside, his heart was cheering.
He smiled when his mind recalled all the memories of Kame and him together. It had been 4 months since Jin left. A lot of things happened but Yamapi took care of his important person very dearly without the other feeling any awkwardness or notice his sudden change towards him. He just wanted Kame to be happy and not shed any more tears because of Jin. Certainly, Jin’s leaving was a big impact in Kame’s life but Yamapi would rescue him from sinking deep into the traps of pain and confusion that would try to make Kame lose his way and fall.
There were rumors roaming around saying that Jin would not come back, but he always assured Kame that Jin loved his band very much. Furthermore, Jin would not leave KAT-TUN since their bonds were very strong. Besides that, somehow Yamapi knew that Jin cared a lot about Kame; he just he didn’t show it upright. He also knew Jin would always be in Kame’s heart, the one whom Kame thought of every minute and every hour. And he, can only be the third person who watched these two fall apart and get back together all the time.
During the 24 Hour TV programme, Kame confessed that they always had conflicts, break ups, and make ups but it seemed like every time they got into problems, whenever they were reaching their limits, Kame would always end up wanting to talk it out with Jin. Lots of things had happened in the past, but at the end, Jin would also talk to Kame and they were together because after all, they have been together as team members for a long time. Therefore, their bonds were stronger than anybody else’s. Strong enough, that nothing Yamapi did could possibly stand up against it.
Therefore, please smile more and believe that when you’re in need, I’ll always be there for you, Kazu…
He closed his eyes, feeling the cold night air as he sat down on the lazy chair. His tears suddenly flowed down his cheeks. He tried to hold it, but the pain in his heart couldn’t endure the long wait feelings that he forced not to show.
Just for tonight, Yamapi! Just for tonight.
He repeated the words silently. As for tomorrow, he knew that he should be more resolute than yesterday.
× • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • ×
He sat on the sofa, dressed up into short and t-shirt after finishing his shower. He picked up the TV remote and flipped to his favourite channel.
Today is the day.
He heaved a deep breath and started to watch the program. It was Jin’s press conference after six months of hiatus. Today on April 19, 2007, he was back for good. Although, it had already been several days since he arrived in Japan because Yamapi had received the news earlier; in a rush, he had called Jin to confirm it. Yes, he was back. They had talked for nearly the whole day. The frequency of their conversations and even the duration decreased during his hiatus but Yamapi took the chance to greet his best friend sooner before meeting him physically. Sometimes Yamapi would hint at something that led Jin to talk about his band members. He wanted to know if Jin still cared and what he wanted to know the most was Jin’s thoughts after his comeback to Japan and towards KAT-TUN.
Kame: I was very sorry to cause troubles. I sent a comment when Akanishi did his press conference. When I heard about his decision, I thought "Why does he need to study abroad now?" and I found it hard to understand it. However, I've been working with Akanishi for eight years (looks at Jin) since when we were Johnny's Jr, so I could also understand him somehow. He wasn't going to leave KAT-TUN, and we had plenty of things to do by us five. So we had to continue working hard, and that was the first task for us five. In addition, I'm hoping that KAT-TUN will be a powerful group with each member working and learning individually. So Akanishi went to study in America, and we've been learning through working here. I'm grateful now that we six are here in front of you as KAT-TUN. I'm forward-looking. (Kame said the last sentence awkwardly, and smiles and laughs)
Reporter: Kamenashi-san, please don't show that you are reading a script
Kame: Sorry, I thought it would be funny. (smiles)
Reporter: We have lots of photographers here, so please let them see your beautiful faces.
Kame: I've learnt so much in the last six months, and there were various reports about it. But during the time he was in America, he called me several times, and I told him..."You... They've been reporting xxxxx about you." "Really? I'm sorry." (Jin smiles next to Kame) So we are not feeling anything wrong, and willing to continue working together.
Yamapi stared intently at Kame’s reaction. It seemed Kame was the happiest person on earth when Jin finally made his comeback after finished studying in Los Angeles.
Your smiles are so pure. But you never smile like that to me.
His eyes never left every feature of Kame’s figure. He was mesmerized by Kame’s smiles and his cute happy face which he always looked forward seeing. Yamapi grabbed his shirt, close to his screaming heart. He wanted to call out Kame’s name so much, telling how much he loved him. Although he told himself that he couldn’t hold these feelings in forever, he never wanted to see Kame upset. He wished he could turn back times, or be reborn in another place or time and be able to meet Kame before Jin. He never hated Jin for that because they had been best friends for such a long time, but deep in his heart, he wished he could have found Kame first. Unfortunately, fate wasn’t on his side and reality was always being cruel to him.
My life had always had an empty space until I met you, Kazu. I live through your smile, your gentleness and your cute affection. I’m sitting down here, but you don’t seem to notice me. Whatever it takes, or however much my heart breaks, I am a fool who will keep on waiting for you. If you just…
Yamapi looked away, staring blankly into empty space. Memories flew through his mind and his tears flowed again but he quickly wiped them away. Feeling lonely and bitter, as the conference finished airing, he finally drifted to sleep on the couch. In his sleep, his smile shone, tears on his cheeks.
Be happy, Kazu. I will move on. Because you said that I am Yamapi and that I can do anything. So I choose to move on. Thank you, love… for all these years… For the last time… I honestly… love you, Kazu…
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Note: Italics for thoughts. Italics plus bold for flash backs. Credits to chikara because I used a little conversation from Jin’s press conference translation.
A/N: Okay, I made another oneshot again. This is not the best oneshot I made, I was just lazing around and feeling very upset. Sorry to pikame fans but I made you guys very, very sad. Yamapi got no luck at this time. Well, that’s life. But I hurt Yamapi in another way round. T_T but it’s sad to leave Yamapi like that!! *cries*I don’t like angst too much… *hugs Pi chan*
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Yamapi sat on the couch next to the glass window, staring at the crowd. His grim eyes instantly caught a slender figure who was wandering down the street and making his way into the building. Those beautiful eyes, with tiny soft lips, curvy long hair with a feminine touch; everything about the figure seemed perfect and spellbinding, like the sight of a white angel. He clenched his shirt to where his heart was suffering. If only he had the strength to let it show, but he was too afraid of rejection. He was a man who has his pride to protect. He didn’t know how much longer he could stand and watch.
“Kazu, I can't fight this feeling anymore, but if I confess it to you, would you able to trust in my feelings for you?”
If he successfully confessed to Kame, Yamapi wondered if Kame would be able to response to those feelings he held in his heart. Would his confession erase all the unnecessary doubts Kame might have for Yamapi's true feelings? Furthermore, Yamapi always thought that Kame would not take a confession from him seriously, seeing it as a joke, because Yamapi had never showed his feelings towards the latter before. Care and love are different things so Kame might only think of Yamapi as friend because he only ever saw Yamapi care for him as a friend.
The urge to tell the truth was pressing against him with a startling desperation. After Nobuta wo Produce drama, they started to be good friends. They finally settled out their silly fights they had long time ago and made up to each other. Without realization, his feelings for Kame started growing in intensity and the latter’s personality started growing on him though slowly but gradually. Yet it was becoming increasingly difficult for Yamapi to resist the growing sensation of feelings he felt each day. The air that he breathed felt like it was blocked and his life was being choked to death. His left hand trailed the figure upon the glass, trying to touch the person. The person smiled at the staff who greeted him at the entrance. His cheerful side still showed but Yamapi knew it was an attempt to cover up what was below the surface. He knew a smile would not mend a broken heart.
Even though the world can only see your sweet, yet tender smile, you can’t hide your sadness from me. You may be able to fool the rest of the world, but you will never be able to fool me.
He gritted his teeth and crushed his fist into the couch hard. His hidden heart was in torture, crippled by the vein that streamed in an uncontrollable desire, along with the enormous pain inside. He looked through the glass but the person was out of sight now.
“Lost like you were nowhere can be held out. Lost like an untied red thread between us, clinging merciless upon unsteady fate.” He chuckled, his face looking at his feet, only a hard smile shown.
“Yamashita san, you got two hours left before appearing at Zoom In Saturday programme. I think it’s better to be there in time.”The female staff carefully explained his schedule for the day and tomorrow. Yamapi listened to every detail and nodded in understanding.
“Yeah, don’t worry. I won’t be late.” Yamapi thanked her and they bowed to each other before she walked out of the room. Few seconds later, he patted his knees and wandered off to get his job done.
As he walked through the hallway, someone was crossing the same path in front him while busy talking to two Juniors beside him. It was him, the person who kept appearing like his shadow and rocking his world like crazy. His eyes studied around that face and he never let his own admiration towards the beautiful creation show. The younger one felt someone watching him and he looked up to see the other. He managed a smile when he saw it was Yamapi who was there.
Damn! Don’t smile like that! I can’t…
“Yo!” The young one greeted happily from the corner.
“Yo! Kame!” Was his reply, showing his ‘kon kon’ statue. Kame and the juniors giggled because Yamapi sometimes acted so cute when he did his greeting. Both Juniors also greeted Yamapi and excused themselves to leave early as they needed to practise the dance steps. Yamapi calmed his walk, kept his cool, and passed by him in a quick pace yet steadily.
“Off somewhere?” The question popped out suddenly and Yamapi halted.
“Ah… Got an interview with Zoomin.” he said as he turned his face to look at Kame.
“Ah so that’s it.” Kame nodded and looked away.
“So I need to go now. See you later.” Yamapi touched his bangs and bit his lips. His heart was throbbing so hard inside and he could not risk having any thoughts besides leaving the conversation, and started to walk away. Kame just nodded again and greeted farewell.
They both walked away but after few steps, Yamapi secretly glanced back, If I could turn back time and caught you, would you notice me, Kazu? He sighed.
× • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • ×
Kame strolled to the couch, laying down on it weakly and coughed a few times. There was no one in the KAT-TUN dressing room because the other four members were out for lunch. Kame hadn’t joined them because he just finished his drama shooting this morning but he had managed to find time to visit his band members. Unfortunately, his timing was off so Kame decided to rest a little. Suddenly his head felt a bit dizzy, and his body felt burnt out. He tried to reassure himself that maybe it was because of the hot climate, but then he began to sweat a lot and he couldn’t force himself to move. He was tired; it felt as though all the energy was drained from his body.
Yamapi passed by KAT-TUN room purposely, looking for someone. His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden noise and he realized that someone had been coughing constantly. He snapped his fingers when he thought up an excuse for entering the KAT-TUN dressing room - he could act like he was looking for something!
“Do you guys know where my ---“He stopped at his half question when he saw his important person looking very sick on the couch.
Kazu… He ran towards the younger one and gently grabbed his hand.
“Kame what’s wrong?” He asked anxiously. Kame tilted his head and smiled when he saw Yamapi was there.
“I think I-I-am sick…” He tried to speak, while coughing and it ended up becoming worse the more he tried to talk and control his breathing at the same time. Yamapi ran his hands over Kame’s neck and he rested the palm of the other hand on his forehead.
“Oh my god! You have fever!” He shouted in fear.
“Come on, let’s see the doctor before it becomes worse.” Yamapi demanded, urging the younger one to move but Kame was too tired. Yamapi’s chest hurt and it felt as though he couldn’t breathe because it was too painful to see his Kazu like this.
My Kazu? In your dreams, Yamapi. He tapped his forehead.
“Let me carry you! My car is nearby.” Kame just nodded at his friend’s suggestion. Yamapi quickly carried him to his car. He ignored the juniors who were staring at them because it was not the time to be ashamed.
Kazu needs me. I must save him. He reminded himself and drove off.
× • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • ×
Yamapi caressed the younger man lovingly but made no attempt to disturb him from slumber. The doctor checked his blood pressure and his water level in his body. As soon he finished, the doctor and Yamapi walked away from the bed.
“So how is he?” Tiny lines of worry layered across his forehead. His heart was racing, thinking that maybe the case had gone from bad to worse.
“His current state needs him to rest. He was in depression and under a lot of pressure and stress and from your information earlier, he worked too hard and ignored his surrounding and finally cause him to get sick. For now, please ask him to take a holiday or two to let him rest. Don’t let him be alone. He needs someone who he can talk to.” The doctor explained while giving some medical prescription. Later, the two were left alone as the doctor excused himself to attend to another patient.
“You really scared me to death. Don’t you ever do that again!” He said, worry evident in his voice.
Yamapi sat beside him and with his fingers, moved Kame’s bangs away from his eye. Looking blue, Yamapi tried to prevent himself from shedding tears. He held Kame’s hand while watching him sleep.
What can I do to stop this? What can I do to take away your sadness, Kazu? He heaved a deep breath and rested his head on the bed.
“ Jin… Jin… “
Hearing that name suddenly being called out made his eyes snap open, widening. Yamapi looked up and saw that Kame was struggling on the bed. He caressed the younger one’s hair and whispered to him softly to calm him down.
“Shhh… It’s only nightmare. Just nightmare…” Seconds later, the younger one was sleeping peacefully.
He knew how much Kame missed Jin after he had gone to Los Angeles to study. He also knew about their secret relationship although sometimes it was very hard to predict those two. They were always fighting but then making up again. At one time, they just acted like nothing was happening. Sometimes they were only friends and nothing more. Although both of them were his good friends and Jin has been his best friend since they were kids, Yamapi still couldn’t figure out what kind of relationship those two were involved in. Yamapi was torn apart because he didn’t know how to bring up that issue. At the end of the day, he just wished that no one will get hurt from this and he could just stay away, keep pretending nothing was wrong.
Though his heart was bleeding each day, seeing the person the cared about the most pretend to be strong even though he knew that that person he cared about was in pain deep inside. Yet he couldn’t do anything to help. He felt so disgusting to just stand there and merely watch. Why have things become so hard? He gripped at his chest and closed his eyes. God, it’s aches so much. Here. In pain. Tapping his palm hard against his chest, he forced the tears back and calmed himself down again. He must not loose his wit. He needed to be strong for Kame.
When you’re lost, and you’re alone and can’t get back again… I’ll find you… bring you home. always… always Kazu…
Soon, the rest of KAT-TUN were gathered in Kame’s room because Yamapi had called Kame’s band members to let them know the situation before he had gotten to the hospital. They were late because they had been out of the town for another job. Yamapi also thought they had their lunch during the time because he only found Kame in the room. Alone and sick. Yamapi explained to them the details and informed that the doctor wanted Kame to stop working for a while and enjoy his own peaceful rest. They nodded as Yamapi finished explaining and Yamapi finally let himself to go home. He wanted to stay but Kame’s band members were here to take care of him. Furthermore, he also had his own band to worry about too.
× • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • × • ×
He stared the cloudy night sky, admiring the sight. His body slanted against the balcony wall, feeling the rain on his fingertips. It was raining heavily. He gazed at the flow of raindrops falling and his mind absorbed into the vacuous space.
“Pi, thank you for taking care of me. I’m sorry to have burdened you that day. But I’m really grateful. Thank you!” The younger one bowed to him. Yamapi told him not to; after all, it was to help a friend.
Friend? He chuckled. “I care because I love you, baka!” He screamed.
“Pi, thanks for the cream puffs you gave me yesterday. It was very delicious!” he exclaimed from his seat.
“Ah, I received them from someone as a gift. There was a lot though, so I decided to share it with you since you were there. So why not?” Yamapi grinned.
“You really are a kind person.” He praised. Yamapi flushed red and denied the praise.
Kind? He groaned. “I’ll do anything for your sake, Kazu!” He screamed more.
“Slurrrpppp… First!” Yamapi raised his hand high, claiming his victory. “Ouch, Kame what’s that for!” A hand smacked his head.
“You’re like a little kid! Behave more like an adult!” Kame whined.
“Mou… Its no fun. kon~ kon~” Doing his Akira character. Kame giggled and shook his head when Yamapi kept on chuuing his lips and acting cute but funny.
Kid? He laughed. “I love it when we are Shuuji and Akira. I had fun just being with you…” He murmured through the rough wind.
“Kame, I got an extra ticket. Do you want to watch a movie with me?” Yamapi was so nervous but he was so determined to ask the boy.
“EH! Is that the new movie on the cinema now? I’m dying to watch it!” The boy clapped his hands happily.
Kame checked his schedule to see if he was free at that time. “Baka! It might be boring you know. I can give it to someone else if---”
“Don’t discard it! Let’s go since I’m free. YOU must go too!” The boy cut off his words. Yamapi felt helpless hearing those words; he could not refuse Kame, but inside, his heart was cheering.
He smiled when his mind recalled all the memories of Kame and him together. It had been 4 months since Jin left. A lot of things happened but Yamapi took care of his important person very dearly without the other feeling any awkwardness or notice his sudden change towards him. He just wanted Kame to be happy and not shed any more tears because of Jin. Certainly, Jin’s leaving was a big impact in Kame’s life but Yamapi would rescue him from sinking deep into the traps of pain and confusion that would try to make Kame lose his way and fall.
There were rumors roaming around saying that Jin would not come back, but he always assured Kame that Jin loved his band very much. Furthermore, Jin would not leave KAT-TUN since their bonds were very strong. Besides that, somehow Yamapi knew that Jin cared a lot about Kame; he just he didn’t show it upright. He also knew Jin would always be in Kame’s heart, the one whom Kame thought of every minute and every hour. And he, can only be the third person who watched these two fall apart and get back together all the time.
During the 24 Hour TV programme, Kame confessed that they always had conflicts, break ups, and make ups but it seemed like every time they got into problems, whenever they were reaching their limits, Kame would always end up wanting to talk it out with Jin. Lots of things had happened in the past, but at the end, Jin would also talk to Kame and they were together because after all, they have been together as team members for a long time. Therefore, their bonds were stronger than anybody else’s. Strong enough, that nothing Yamapi did could possibly stand up against it.
Therefore, please smile more and believe that when you’re in need, I’ll always be there for you, Kazu…
He closed his eyes, feeling the cold night air as he sat down on the lazy chair. His tears suddenly flowed down his cheeks. He tried to hold it, but the pain in his heart couldn’t endure the long wait feelings that he forced not to show.
Just for tonight, Yamapi! Just for tonight.
He repeated the words silently. As for tomorrow, he knew that he should be more resolute than yesterday.
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He sat on the sofa, dressed up into short and t-shirt after finishing his shower. He picked up the TV remote and flipped to his favourite channel.
Today is the day.
He heaved a deep breath and started to watch the program. It was Jin’s press conference after six months of hiatus. Today on April 19, 2007, he was back for good. Although, it had already been several days since he arrived in Japan because Yamapi had received the news earlier; in a rush, he had called Jin to confirm it. Yes, he was back. They had talked for nearly the whole day. The frequency of their conversations and even the duration decreased during his hiatus but Yamapi took the chance to greet his best friend sooner before meeting him physically. Sometimes Yamapi would hint at something that led Jin to talk about his band members. He wanted to know if Jin still cared and what he wanted to know the most was Jin’s thoughts after his comeback to Japan and towards KAT-TUN.
Kame: I was very sorry to cause troubles. I sent a comment when Akanishi did his press conference. When I heard about his decision, I thought "Why does he need to study abroad now?" and I found it hard to understand it. However, I've been working with Akanishi for eight years (looks at Jin) since when we were Johnny's Jr, so I could also understand him somehow. He wasn't going to leave KAT-TUN, and we had plenty of things to do by us five. So we had to continue working hard, and that was the first task for us five. In addition, I'm hoping that KAT-TUN will be a powerful group with each member working and learning individually. So Akanishi went to study in America, and we've been learning through working here. I'm grateful now that we six are here in front of you as KAT-TUN. I'm forward-looking. (Kame said the last sentence awkwardly, and smiles and laughs)
Reporter: Kamenashi-san, please don't show that you are reading a script
Kame: Sorry, I thought it would be funny. (smiles)
Reporter: We have lots of photographers here, so please let them see your beautiful faces.
Kame: I've learnt so much in the last six months, and there were various reports about it. But during the time he was in America, he called me several times, and I told him..."You... They've been reporting xxxxx about you." "Really? I'm sorry." (Jin smiles next to Kame) So we are not feeling anything wrong, and willing to continue working together.
Yamapi stared intently at Kame’s reaction. It seemed Kame was the happiest person on earth when Jin finally made his comeback after finished studying in Los Angeles.
Your smiles are so pure. But you never smile like that to me.
His eyes never left every feature of Kame’s figure. He was mesmerized by Kame’s smiles and his cute happy face which he always looked forward seeing. Yamapi grabbed his shirt, close to his screaming heart. He wanted to call out Kame’s name so much, telling how much he loved him. Although he told himself that he couldn’t hold these feelings in forever, he never wanted to see Kame upset. He wished he could turn back times, or be reborn in another place or time and be able to meet Kame before Jin. He never hated Jin for that because they had been best friends for such a long time, but deep in his heart, he wished he could have found Kame first. Unfortunately, fate wasn’t on his side and reality was always being cruel to him.
My life had always had an empty space until I met you, Kazu. I live through your smile, your gentleness and your cute affection. I’m sitting down here, but you don’t seem to notice me. Whatever it takes, or however much my heart breaks, I am a fool who will keep on waiting for you. If you just…
Yamapi looked away, staring blankly into empty space. Memories flew through his mind and his tears flowed again but he quickly wiped them away. Feeling lonely and bitter, as the conference finished airing, he finally drifted to sleep on the couch. In his sleep, his smile shone, tears on his cheeks.
Be happy, Kazu. I will move on. Because you said that I am Yamapi and that I can do anything. So I choose to move on. Thank you, love… for all these years… For the last time… I honestly… love you, Kazu…
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