Hope
Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in, winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerising, so hypnotizing
I am captivated, I am vindicated
Today my inbox is empty. My to do list's Today column is also empty, and I made no attempt to fill it up again at 11pm - in fact, it's partially empty because I pushed a list of errands to tomorrow. This is a wonderfully significant thing, since it's not because my busy season is over and life has slowed, it's a lot bigger and more meaningful. I have a wedding and two sessions to finish right now, and I'll have about double that by the end of the week, but nothing I can't handle, especially with Christmas coming, otherwise known as the Big Break. I am feeling quite confident that I will be able to finish those things.
I have started to really tackle unfounded fears. I keep asking myself, when a fear surfaces, what evidence I have to believe that what I fear is valid or warranted, and my excuses to make it valid have waned until I just stop, most times, and face that fear, poke at it a bit, and suddenly like a ghostly vapour I find it leaving. They come back, but I am getting wiser about it.
I am making slow and methodical changes to my life in many small areas. Every once and awhile I will quantify them and glory in the mountainous success, but I don't see the mountains so much anymore, it's more about the checkstops.
Despite the fact that it may cost me quite a bit of money in the long run if things don't go according to plan, I have finally convinced myself that the phone I have is utter garbage and I am not going to put up with it anymore. It's been on the fritz for several months, and between poor reception, tinny transmission of my voice on speakerphone and increasingly even just on normal calls, and freezing about once a day, I finally had enough. Not to mention that my plan is not suited to my needs and I'm currently paying over a grand a year in fees when the same stuff costs $55 with another company and would come with the phone I have researched and I want. When my new camera wasn't working it took me nearly a year to replace it even though it was driving me crazy, and it's only been about three months of growing issues with my phone, so I must be improving. Tomorrow a new phone will enter my life, and in a few months or sooner I will hopefully have my number back, too. For now it will just forward for me.
Tonight I watched a documentary called Hungry for Change on Netflix. I spotted it rolling by on the new releases and from the synopsis I thought, hey, maybe I'm ready for this right now. I think I really am. I think I am ready and willing to make some changes because I finally, finally found something life-changing in all this therapy and work I've done on myself this last year.
I spent hours in the last couple of weeks going over my old therapy notes for one purpose - to feel the accomplishment by quantifying it. I am such a practical person, it's one of the parts of me I am actually quite proud of, and I was even through a great deal of self-loathing in my past. It was really encouraging. The vast majority of things I had put on my list ended up in my Success or Partial Success columns when I went over my oldest stuff from therapy, and even more recent things, I am finding a great balance toward success, and I am feeling accepting of it.
There is a thread through all of this. I am learning to love myself. In fact, the end of that documentary really crystallized the knowledge of that for me. They talked about how essential it is to love yourself through a process of recovery.
I think it's time for a new era. An era where falling down is acceptable and normal and getting back up feels like a fresh start. And maybe, just maybe, I'll stop waiting for the other shoe to drop and start enjoying life more. I sure hope so.
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself