C.C. Volume 7 = Evening Sky and Self-Awareness
I'm waiting, watching, standing
I am reaching, climbing closer
I know that I'll never be alone
You will never let me go
You are my anchor
Hold my hand
While I'm sinking in the sand
No one else could understand
You are my anchor, yeah
This song has meant so much to me for weeks, and today it really comes alive.
So I've been moved to Pediatrics. For now I get a two bed-room suite to myself, a long thin room with a nice window to the outdoors and dolphin trim on the walls. The sky is pink tonight. They have a wall with Batman, Superman, and Spider-Man on it in this ward. Couldn't think of a better place to be than with my three favourite superheroes protecting the hall. I've been here once before when I was a kid, but I don't remember what room I was in compared to now. There's a really wonderful nurse here, she's the tough love kind, though the love comes through enough to make everything worthwhile. She's pestered me into getting up and walking around (without any help even) and she wants me to do it again before I go to sleep tonight. I'm stubborn, but she's outstubborned me into doing what's best for myself even though it hurts. I wish more people were like her in my life. Anytime I don't want to do something I know is good for me, I'm going to imagine her telling me to do it. It'll be good for me.
Male Nurse: *pacing* "Ack! It's an adult! I don't know what to do with you people, you aren't asking for popsicles 24/7!"
Me: *meekly with a raised eyebrow* "Popsicles?!"
Male Nurse: "Yeah, do you want one? I'm really good at that!"
Me: *laughing* "Nah, that's okay. Maybe later."
Male Nurse: "Anyway, I promise I won't make you go to bed at 10..."
He's pretty cool too. I do have a swack of pills to take. Shall I make a list while I down them all? Let's see. Small, white, round category 150-250mg: Ranitidine. Metronidazole x2. Ooh, that one disentigrates the moment water hits it, interesting. Small and oblong like in Dr. Mario? Ciprofloxacin. White, 500mg. Naproxen, 500mg, light yellow. That's all of them right now. Neat names.
So far I've eaten an egg salad sandwich, some soup, meatballs in mushroom sauce with rice and some other awesome food. Hospital food, after not eating for DAYS, is just fine, thank you. Shall we calculate some hours, even? Saturday night at 10:00 was the last time I ate (and that was sort of not counting chip nibbling, which was basically an addendum to the meal) before yesterday having Jello and fluid food at about 5pm. I consider Jello to be food, so official count is 115 hours. If we're counting before breakfast this morning when I had oatmeal, which is actualy a solid, add another 15 hours and make it 130. And if you like me don't consider oatmeal to be actual food even when they did give me brown sugar with it, try 134 hours until I laid eyes on that beautiful egg salad sandwich! I've always loved egg salad, but when it's the first real food you see, man.
My family came and talked to me tonight, good conversation, and I told my Aunt I was looking forward to Folkfest and the falafel. Healthiest, tastiest food in the world, and I'll be able to eat it without getting sick. Nothing short of beauty. See, I really LIKE healthy food. I cannot wait for this lifestyle change kickstart. My quality of life curve is going up, people. The relief floods me. Life is going to be good now! I don't have to be afraid to eat! Oh, man. Beautiful, this life is. There are still a few downsides.
The ticket I had to Dancing With The Stars tonight has become an empty seat. At almost exactly 7:30 when I was mournfully staring at the clock, the lady was bringing around snacks - I had blueberry/raspberry Minigos and a rice krispy square. It was so good it almost made the moment worthwhile, even though I knew I was missing, and am currently missing - a show I paid nearly $100 for and have been awaiting for months. But you know what? I had family there at that moment, and sugary goodness. I am going to be healthy now. Really healthy. And I'm going to start taking it easier and loving life more.
It's worth it all to dance through this life with grace again, instead of pain. It's really been worth it to re-evaluate, and learn the value of hugging a stuffed bear again. To sit in this ward and see just how few kids there are in here tonight is wonderful to me. That means fewer suffering kids and fewer suffering parents.
In this moment of clarity, let it be said. I know who I am again. I couldn't say that two days ago. It's a gift.
I am reaching, climbing closer
I know that I'll never be alone
You will never let me go
You are my anchor
Hold my hand
While I'm sinking in the sand
No one else could understand
You are my anchor, yeah
This song has meant so much to me for weeks, and today it really comes alive.
So I've been moved to Pediatrics. For now I get a two bed-room suite to myself, a long thin room with a nice window to the outdoors and dolphin trim on the walls. The sky is pink tonight. They have a wall with Batman, Superman, and Spider-Man on it in this ward. Couldn't think of a better place to be than with my three favourite superheroes protecting the hall. I've been here once before when I was a kid, but I don't remember what room I was in compared to now. There's a really wonderful nurse here, she's the tough love kind, though the love comes through enough to make everything worthwhile. She's pestered me into getting up and walking around (without any help even) and she wants me to do it again before I go to sleep tonight. I'm stubborn, but she's outstubborned me into doing what's best for myself even though it hurts. I wish more people were like her in my life. Anytime I don't want to do something I know is good for me, I'm going to imagine her telling me to do it. It'll be good for me.
Male Nurse: *pacing* "Ack! It's an adult! I don't know what to do with you people, you aren't asking for popsicles 24/7!"
Me: *meekly with a raised eyebrow* "Popsicles?!"
Male Nurse: "Yeah, do you want one? I'm really good at that!"
Me: *laughing* "Nah, that's okay. Maybe later."
Male Nurse: "Anyway, I promise I won't make you go to bed at 10..."
He's pretty cool too. I do have a swack of pills to take. Shall I make a list while I down them all? Let's see. Small, white, round category 150-250mg: Ranitidine. Metronidazole x2. Ooh, that one disentigrates the moment water hits it, interesting. Small and oblong like in Dr. Mario? Ciprofloxacin. White, 500mg. Naproxen, 500mg, light yellow. That's all of them right now. Neat names.
So far I've eaten an egg salad sandwich, some soup, meatballs in mushroom sauce with rice and some other awesome food. Hospital food, after not eating for DAYS, is just fine, thank you. Shall we calculate some hours, even? Saturday night at 10:00 was the last time I ate (and that was sort of not counting chip nibbling, which was basically an addendum to the meal) before yesterday having Jello and fluid food at about 5pm. I consider Jello to be food, so official count is 115 hours. If we're counting before breakfast this morning when I had oatmeal, which is actualy a solid, add another 15 hours and make it 130. And if you like me don't consider oatmeal to be actual food even when they did give me brown sugar with it, try 134 hours until I laid eyes on that beautiful egg salad sandwich! I've always loved egg salad, but when it's the first real food you see, man.
My family came and talked to me tonight, good conversation, and I told my Aunt I was looking forward to Folkfest and the falafel. Healthiest, tastiest food in the world, and I'll be able to eat it without getting sick. Nothing short of beauty. See, I really LIKE healthy food. I cannot wait for this lifestyle change kickstart. My quality of life curve is going up, people. The relief floods me. Life is going to be good now! I don't have to be afraid to eat! Oh, man. Beautiful, this life is. There are still a few downsides.
The ticket I had to Dancing With The Stars tonight has become an empty seat. At almost exactly 7:30 when I was mournfully staring at the clock, the lady was bringing around snacks - I had blueberry/raspberry Minigos and a rice krispy square. It was so good it almost made the moment worthwhile, even though I knew I was missing, and am currently missing - a show I paid nearly $100 for and have been awaiting for months. But you know what? I had family there at that moment, and sugary goodness. I am going to be healthy now. Really healthy. And I'm going to start taking it easier and loving life more.
It's worth it all to dance through this life with grace again, instead of pain. It's really been worth it to re-evaluate, and learn the value of hugging a stuffed bear again. To sit in this ward and see just how few kids there are in here tonight is wonderful to me. That means fewer suffering kids and fewer suffering parents.
In this moment of clarity, let it be said. I know who I am again. I couldn't say that two days ago. It's a gift.