Week of Discoveries
I've been sort of trying to post this entry all evening. Since exec meeting. I can't phrase it right. I'll try and get my music to help me.
I am numb today
Everything's a blur
I've seen too much to deny
Too little to be sure
Today was one of those days where I wait in anticipation for nothing, and everything seems numb and boring to me even when I like it and it's exciting. I keep checking with Mom to see if my lappy's been sent yet. Not yet. I keep hoping I'll get replies back from people I've emailed and none of them have showed up yet.
The lady who was examining my application for April said she'd let me know the status of my application by March 22nd at the latest. That's tomorrow. More correctly, that's today, but I'm still awake and that rule of my existence - the measuring of days not by an arbitrary halving point but by when I sleep between them, or when dawn comes (whichever comes first) makes more sense to me than midnight. Also, a pet peeve of mine is people who spell it midnite. It's not classy enough for such a fabled hour as participates in Cinderella and other mythology.
All those things aside, my next awaited moment is that of the descision for IVCF Executive team that will be released to everyone on Friday, and to those of us who made it earlier. I have to assume since they were discussing not having enough applicants earlier that I will gain a spot. It is possible that they'll want me to take a different one than those I wrote, but if they do I may turn it down. I did a lot of soul-searching before I sent my application and I know where I'd fit best. Here's hoping that I find peace with the descisions they've made.
I am scared to fall
Scared to carry on
Am I losing to the cynic
After running for so long?
There's a child in me
Lost in mystery
But it's buried underneath the earth
Longing to be free
I am not having the easiest time spiritually. By this I don't mean that I'm backsliding or doubting everything. I just mean that I don't feel peace about things. I spent last week without peace over the pastoral descision, and thankfully I have some measure of peace about it now. Still, so much is up in the air and I can't find much comfort in my excitement to hear about things and my dread about what some of the changes will mean. I look forward to working at the Lung Association this summer, and I hope against odds that I'll get that job in April to combat the costs of the vacation and my expensive electronics habit, since I probably won't be able to sell this one until I have the other one in good working order. Maybe someone will buy it during sSummer Session, who knows? Still, too many unanswered questions for my taste. I feel the confusion is wearing at me. Much like it wears on Alice in Looking-Glass World with Humpty Dumpty as he twists her words or misunderstands them. How easily I can understand that.
Will You see me through this valley?
Will You hold my outstretched hands?
As the world caves in around me
Will You help me understand?
I sure hope he will help me understand, becuase I thought I had it together for a while there, and again I feel tossed by time. Only this time I think I'll stay in my college. I formed a brilliant idea today - if I end up not having enough money to complete my Art degree, I'll just go into Agriculture. I should be able to get a full scholarship, or a nearly full one. I could see being female giving me an advantage there too. I'd be able to pay for my classes and get a degree without having to worry so much about Student Loans. I'm fully capable of doing sciences, I just haven't up to now. In fact I mean to take Bio next year. But since it's my final year that will be a problem I may have to take extreme measures like switching colleges until I have money to get all the degrees I want. Probably like three. Art, Science, English maybe. Psychology would be fun too.
I've been doing a lot of Couch-Potatoing. I need to stop, since everything is due this weekendish. I'm making some progress on my Alice essay though, so that's good. I'll need to pretty much try to finish it tomorrow so Ricki and possibly other folks can go over it.
I am numb today
Everything's a blur
I've seen too much to deny
Too little to be sure
Today was one of those days where I wait in anticipation for nothing, and everything seems numb and boring to me even when I like it and it's exciting. I keep checking with Mom to see if my lappy's been sent yet. Not yet. I keep hoping I'll get replies back from people I've emailed and none of them have showed up yet.
The lady who was examining my application for April said she'd let me know the status of my application by March 22nd at the latest. That's tomorrow. More correctly, that's today, but I'm still awake and that rule of my existence - the measuring of days not by an arbitrary halving point but by when I sleep between them, or when dawn comes (whichever comes first) makes more sense to me than midnight. Also, a pet peeve of mine is people who spell it midnite. It's not classy enough for such a fabled hour as participates in Cinderella and other mythology.
All those things aside, my next awaited moment is that of the descision for IVCF Executive team that will be released to everyone on Friday, and to those of us who made it earlier. I have to assume since they were discussing not having enough applicants earlier that I will gain a spot. It is possible that they'll want me to take a different one than those I wrote, but if they do I may turn it down. I did a lot of soul-searching before I sent my application and I know where I'd fit best. Here's hoping that I find peace with the descisions they've made.
I am scared to fall
Scared to carry on
Am I losing to the cynic
After running for so long?
There's a child in me
Lost in mystery
But it's buried underneath the earth
Longing to be free
I am not having the easiest time spiritually. By this I don't mean that I'm backsliding or doubting everything. I just mean that I don't feel peace about things. I spent last week without peace over the pastoral descision, and thankfully I have some measure of peace about it now. Still, so much is up in the air and I can't find much comfort in my excitement to hear about things and my dread about what some of the changes will mean. I look forward to working at the Lung Association this summer, and I hope against odds that I'll get that job in April to combat the costs of the vacation and my expensive electronics habit, since I probably won't be able to sell this one until I have the other one in good working order. Maybe someone will buy it during sSummer Session, who knows? Still, too many unanswered questions for my taste. I feel the confusion is wearing at me. Much like it wears on Alice in Looking-Glass World with Humpty Dumpty as he twists her words or misunderstands them. How easily I can understand that.
Will You see me through this valley?
Will You hold my outstretched hands?
As the world caves in around me
Will You help me understand?
I sure hope he will help me understand, becuase I thought I had it together for a while there, and again I feel tossed by time. Only this time I think I'll stay in my college. I formed a brilliant idea today - if I end up not having enough money to complete my Art degree, I'll just go into Agriculture. I should be able to get a full scholarship, or a nearly full one. I could see being female giving me an advantage there too. I'd be able to pay for my classes and get a degree without having to worry so much about Student Loans. I'm fully capable of doing sciences, I just haven't up to now. In fact I mean to take Bio next year. But since it's my final year that will be a problem I may have to take extreme measures like switching colleges until I have money to get all the degrees I want. Probably like three. Art, Science, English maybe. Psychology would be fun too.
I've been doing a lot of Couch-Potatoing. I need to stop, since everything is due this weekendish. I'm making some progress on my Alice essay though, so that's good. I'll need to pretty much try to finish it tomorrow so Ricki and possibly other folks can go over it.