putting it on the table...
my state of mind last year.. somehow in a weird way theres an uncanny resemblance.. i dont want to end up like that again
2003-06-02 18:28:17
fucking mad
I guess I turned to this thing cuz I have a shitty life and Im pisssed off at the world.. where it all began... 3 weeks ago today actually, the love of my life was killed in a car accident. We're talking someone who I woke up to everyday and the first thing we said was I love you. But no, for some reason or another the "higher being" decided to take the only thing that mattered in my life away from me.
Because everything happens for a reason right? Well fuck that reason, there is no reason for a good person like him to be gone. Almost 2 weeks until he turned 21, we had just spent an amazing week together, getting closer than ever. We shared everything, one of those people you dont even have to say a word cuz the emotions are shared through kisses and a touch on the hand or something else like
that. I miss him, I miss him like crazy.. people keep telling me it will "get easier" but it gets harder and harder each day because I miss him THAT much more, every day I miss him an extra 24 hours, its hard as hell. Nobody can sympathize and when they do they get uncomfortable with me and change the subject when I dont want to talk about something else, I want to talk about him, he makes me happy when I talk about him.. I get depressed OBVIOUSLY when I have to supress my feelings about him .. jeez
3 days ago I went to his grave, that shit was hard, I'm not gonna lie, I broke down and balled my eyes out but whatever.. he has a temporary headstone and the dirt was fresh and the grass hadnt been settled in.. I could just jump in if I wanted to, I dnt know why I didnt. My life sucks without him.. what would be wrong with laying beside him for a bit? God this is the worst imaginable pain in the world, its not like when you say goodbye to someone for the summer its more like GOODBYE FOR FUCKING EVER... who
knows what happens to people when they die, to have faith is nice, but who knows if any of that shit exists for real.. its hard thinking about the unknown and thinking whether or not I'll ever see him again. It just doesnt make any sense to have to happen to him.. so young and smart and sweet, and jeez he was so funny. He changed my life into something that was so great and then his passing
has destroyed everything I have ever wanted to live for. I just want the pain to stop, the neverending nagging in my head the thoughts of "Jon was Killed" replaying over and over in my fucking head. Even having dreams about him pisses me off because I wake up to the reality that I wont see him EVER again. So yah Im going back to my pathetic job, but Ill be back to rant later.. yah whatever.
2003-06-02 18:46:26
a stupid poem... i hate poetry
the only way i can see you is in my dreams.. at night when im alone i want to kill i feel a burning throughout my body choking and short of breatha fire burning inside me now melting my insides and ripping the skin away i feel you were taken away out of spitesomeone hates me, they're laughing now BACK TO THE BOTTOM ERICA they say as they laugh and direct the hands of my fate why couldnt it have been someone elseive reached the end I cant take anymore of this SHIT it wont get better, it gets worse, and you know nothingdont try to sympathize just GO AWAYyou couldnt understand if you tried
2003-06-02 19:25:43
i would give anything
I would do anything, give anything, just to have May 12th back, just to have 4:59pm back so I can tell Jon to come to my house instead of going to his own. It's all my fucking fault he's dead, he wanted to talk to me at work and I pushed him away and told him to leave because I got mad and jealous over some stupid chick that doesnt make a difference anyway. He asked me if I wanted to stay after work and talk and I was LIKE NO GO HOME. So I basically sent him to his god damned death. The fucking guilt is unbearable, I dont need this shit, I've gone through enough. Why couldnt he just catch a stop light or something.. why didnt I stop him in the parking lot when he drove away, why didnt I do a LOT OF SHIT!??!
people always come up to me after they find out what
happened and tell me "oh its good that you werent in the
car with him" and i think "FUCK YOU I WISH I WAS".
the funeral..you know whats weird, at the viewing i felt an incredible amount of peace when i looked at him in his coffin, he looked perfect, no cuts, or bruises, not all makeup-ed out, just him, just my Jon... wearing one of my favorite shirts on him, he just layed there.. gone. Lifeless, I couldnt do anything about it but touch him and talk to him and hope to god he could hear what i was saying. He was so hard.. and when i kissed his forehead he was so cold, but i didnt care, i could have spent the whole night with him just beside him, just talking to him alone without family and friends weeping in the background.. thats what made it especially hard. The funeral itself was horrid, when they started they played "wind beneath my wings" I dont know why, its like they wanted us to kill ourselves, and once i heard that song i lost it, then in the end when we all said our last goodbye they played "Angels Son." I had to leave before they closed the coffin for good, i couldnt stay, I couldnt see that, I didnt want to see it end that way. I left it while it was open and I ran out I just couldnt see. All his friends when to his house and out to dinner later, I didnt go, I couldnt, I didnt want to have fun or try to cope yet, I wanted to feel miserable for not staying to talk to him, I blame myself, I'll never stop.
2003-06-02 19:27:06
my escape
this song could not fit my situation ANY BETTER
yah i know this is a journal for fucking private stories
and all that shit and not lyrics but whatever, i hate
poetry but this shit touches me so deep it hurts.
"Fade to Black" by Metallica
Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly loss this can't be real
Cant stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye
2003-06-02 20:38:02
wut its like to die inside
does anyone know how hard it is to read an obituary of someone you're madly in love with.. i remember the first time i read Jon's, I threw up everywhere, it was confirmation of something that I had been denying all week and then I saw it. "Man, 20, Dies in Car Accident". There were so many articles and one of the fucking newspapers had the fucking balls to write that he had a "bad driving record" how fucked up is that, the fucking guy died and they're gonna say how he drove? Considering the fucking accident wasnt even his god damned fault, piss me the hell off. I wanna kill the semi driver who hit him and the fucking guy who wrote that article. piece of shit.
2003-06-03 12:32:45
one of those days
I can already tell you already, today is going to suck cock... woke up in a really crusty ass mood, hardly got any sleep.. life fucking sucks. Cried myself to sleep while talking to my dead boyfriend.. hoping there is such a thing as spirits and that he was hovering over me while i sleep or whatever the hell spirits do.
Anyways, people = shit, Jon was always saying that.. the reason I say that is because someone broke into my step-dad's truck last night and stole his wallet and cell phone and palm pilot and all that shit, nice people.. it was funny too cuz those guys must have been dumb as fuck cuz I called them on the cell phone and they actually answered it and THEN hung up on me... ok first of all if you're gonna steal someones phone.. dont answer it. Second of all the credit cards were cancelled within 30 minutes of knowing they were stolen, and they didnt even use them.. now whats the point of that. Now first of all if I stole someones credit card, I'd take my ass to the gas station fill up my tank cuz gas is damn expensive, then I'd jump online and
order thousands of dollars worth of shit. But nothing was charged to the cards, and the cell phone service was suspended so they pretty much have nothing but a stupid palm pilot... what a waste.
2003-06-03 12:46:04
fucked in the head
this fucking stupid guy I work with keeps hitting on me and asking me out.. i keep asking him if he's braindead, and hes like "SO? Im attracted" and all that other garbage, first of all, my boyfried, wait scratch that, the LOVE of my life died 3 weeks and 1 day ago.. does he HONESTLY think I'm gonna try to be with him??? First of all, its bad enough the guy is fucking ugly as fuck, 2nd of all I wouldnt touch him with someone ELSES hands, and 3rd of all I have no respect for a guy who hits on someone who is grieving over a loss, of anyone. That's ridiculous. It's bad enough my ex is an opportunist who tried to get really close to me when Jon died, but I ended up telling him to fuck off. This is what happened..
Jon dies... then my ex tries to be all there for me and shit, like smothering me, I tell him to bring me to work so I can pick up my shit and I coudlnt drive because I was on xanax and suicidal. Also at work they had brought a grief counselor in for me to speak with, and when I got to work my ex was like "let me come with you" first of all when Jon was alive my ex didnt get along with him, and he had NO right to ask me to go to this counselor with me thats not his place you know... and he gets all pissed off when I tell him hes not coming in that he fucking leaves me at work without a cell phone without my house keys, everything, (i live an hour away) that son of a bitch is selfish as fuck, so after I talk to the counselor I called him and Im like GET YOUR FUCKING ASS BACK HERE AND PICK ME UP YOU SACK OF SHIT. so he comes and gets me cuz hes a little pussy and basically does whatever the hell I say, and on the way to dropping me off home he almost gets us killed TWICE because hes driving like a total asshole, then I tell him to fuck off a few times and that I didnt want him anywhere near me and he says to me, I'll never forget it.. "You lost Jon and now you lost me" and i was like.. first of all I didnt lose jon, and I dont give a FUCK if I lose you. I swear to you I could have ripped his face off when he said that, I didnt lose Jon, Jon is with me no matter what. Unfortunatly it was really hot out that day, and I was about to get out the damn car and walk home but it was too fucking hot and i was on xanax and I would have passed out on the street and probably would have gotten raped or something so I had to bite my tongue, hold my fist and wait till I got home. What the hell kinda guy just ditches someone whos already having a hard enough time, and just leaves them there. thats FUCKED UP.. yah whatever.
2003-06-03 16:40:55
why the fuck
Okay people.. seriously, is it really necessary for the gas station attendant to tell me how big his dick is?
Seriously?? I go to the BP across the street from work to get a drink and a snack, and the fucking guy who works there starts talking about his dick, and Im like "I DONT FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOUR DICK" and he was like "oh ur a lesbian" and Im like "Yah thats it buddy im a fucking lesbian" and then i walked out. I should get his ass fired, that shit pissed me off. I knew it was gonna be one of those days today. god dammit.
anyways.. im on my lunch break right now.. when jon was here we used to go eat lunch then play pool, or id sit at his desk and hug and kiss him or he'd be at my desk sitting on my lap, we would just be around each other. I guess im stupid, i still have his screen names on my buddy list and his name on my phone. I guess Im waiting for him to call, in the back of my head its a sad and pathetic wish of mine, to see Jon pop up on my call display. I'd probably have a heart attack and die if that happened. Im still waiting for him to pull up and park in his normal parking spot, get out in the morning and give him a big hug and kiss and tell him how much I love him..
i keep remembering the last day we spent together, i was late that morning because I stopped to get him a breakfast sandwich, but all day me and him were running back to our desks back and forth stealing kisses and giving hugs.. god everytime he touched me i had sparks, EVERYTIME, you just dont find that in people u meet sometimes, everytime we shared a kiss i swear i felt like my heart stopped it was incredible. this is the time of day when i start feeling sorry for myself and the depression kicks in, i wish i didnt leave my xanax in canada..
i went to canada after the funeral, i left the funeral home and jumped on a plane and stayed there with some family for 10 days and i just got back to tampa a week ago today. and now im back at this hellhole where there are a million memories and my dead boyfriend is buried 30 minutes away...god i wish i could say dead boyfriend and be kidding. i guess thats it for now.. ill start writing again in a bit when the depression REALLY kicks in.
2003-06-03 17:07:07
fucking bitch
its bad enough my life sucks enough as it is, but this
fucking lady on the phone is giving me total attitude for
nothing, i swear to god people have no respect when they
talk to someone on the phone, they feel they can be rude
because theres no face to face interaction, but i know if i
was face to face with this broad she wouldnt say shit to me
cuz i would rip her bitchy face off. so currently shes on
hold right now, where she belongs, and ill probably keep
her there for a while. i swear, some people, just deserve
to be shot.
2003-06-04 12:21:56
fuck
Today is gonna be one of those again.. I can already tell. Had another shitty night to add to my list of shitty nights. Cried for about 3 hours last night, then eventually fell asleep. Ever since he passed I havent been able to sleep well at all, I get really hot and sweaty and I feel sick to my stomach right as I go to bed, and I have 2 fans going on in my room, and its still fucking hot. My life just sucks right now, I hate everything, I hate my job, actually I really hate my job. Im tired of this place.. see I work for an (isp) and I sit online from 8am till 5pm answering calls from stupid fucking people who don't know how to use a computer, its aggravating as hell. And at least twice a week I get a masturbator, I get bitchy women ALLLLL day long, I sit beside fucking annoying ass people, im just hating everything. the only good thing is my radio, i have it on rock all day long and that helps ALOT, even tho they loop the same shit all day and by the end of the day my ears hurt from my headset and im tired as hell and i have to drive an hour in traffic to go home even tho i live 25 minutes away, YAH LIFE IS FUCKING PEACHY. I cant believe I actually get calls sometimes when people ask me what side the disk goes into the drive.. HELLO!!! How the fuck can you own a computer and not know that. SHINY SIDE DOWN u morons. God I've had enough of this place, I'll probably spend sometime on monster.com today, and search around get the hell outta here... the only good thing about this place is the pool table in the breakroom, but the felts all messed up anyway so its not a good reason to stay. I used to love this job when I had my boyfriend sitting beside me.. but Im not going to go there right now.. to early to be depressed, only 8 and a half more hours to go, woohoo. FUCK
2003-06-08 19:53:28
never ends
I hate my life, guys are fucking stupid assholes. 2 nights ago I go to play pool, as I always do, love pool, but
whatever anyways. I'm with a guy from work, and he starts hitting on me.. hello.. my boyfriend just died, I have NO INTEREST in anyone, and he knows the situation but he still continues to make a pass.. but whatever fast forward to later on that night where 2 fucking drug addicts come up to me, stoned off their asses and ask me if I want a one night stand.... yah ok. Last night, playin pool again, the guy playing beside me offers to buy me and my friends a drink or whatever, thats fine I tell him to buy my buddies beer if he wants but I dont want nothing, he thinks hes going to get some, I of course break his heart and he yells at me and my buddy was about to rip his head off.. fast forward, later that night sitting and eating some food, this guy I know who as well knows the situation, comes up to me and says "Im not stalking you or anything but I saw your car
and decided I'd come in, and by the way can you talk in a canadian accent because it turns me on" Can u guess what I told him? Right, FUCK OFF. Then this morning, went to get a coffee at the Dunkin Donuts, fucking coffee guy tells me he'll be my boyfriend after I told him that I had a long couple of weeks and what happened.. yah ok, can u say FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF!? Oh yah and last night one of my friends came up to me, he hasnt seen me in a while, he's friends with my ex (the opportunist) and I tell him why
I've been away for awhile, tell him what happened to Jon, and then he proceeds to ask me to follow me to his car.. and do things.. YAH OK. Nice fucking friends I have right. Im not saying im the hottest thing alive, im not bad looking but thats besides the point, dont fucking hit on me right after my love dies, like im going to be desparate enough to say yes to anyone, i dont care if you're the most gorgeous amazing guy in the world, BACK THE FUCK OFF. theres only one for me, he's gone, now there will be no more, I mean it when I say the one, there can only be one, only one can fill those shoes, and no one can replace him, ever. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks, tomorrow is going to be a REALLY SHITTY DAY. Just like last monday, and the one
before that and so on and so on. Im just sitting here staring at his picture, the one with him wearing my
favorite blue shirt, the shirt he was buried in.. god damn i cant believe i just said that.. the weirdest thing to me
is visiting his grave and thinking that hes underneath me, his body, and i want to dig him up so fucking bad, i need to bring him flowers this week, ill bring him flowers every week and the week i dont, ill probably be dead and hanging out with him, bwaHAHA i cant wait for that day. alright thats it for now, getting too moody now for my own good, im done im out, hopefully for good.
2003-06-09 12:53:07
i already know
Today first of all is Monday, which means it's been 4 weeks
since Jon died, my Jon.. anyway, I just got to work and I
can already tell today is going to suck ass. I'm tired as
hell, my sinuses are all messed up and this new guy sits
behind me and he's too god damned cheery for his own good,
like buddy please dont sing at god damn 7 in the morning,
cuz Im not in the god damned mood, now he's whistling, AND
HUMMING, im going to fucking shoot myself. but whatever, im
trying to put my head back to a better time, when i would
walk into work with jon on my arm, we'd go to our desks,
put down our shit, and log on to our computers, then we'd
go to the pool tables play a few games go back and start
work, and every chance we could we would touch and kiss god
i love him so much.
Last night i saw my ex, oh what fun that was, it looked
like he shrunk, he was short, but I think he got worse, god
him compared to jon is a fuckin joke, there is no
comparison. Jon was tall and manly and awesome and funny
and sweet and charming, and my ex was.. pushy, smothering,
and all that other bad shit, yah I just realized Im in a
really horrible mood
2003-06-12 15:40:21
dark day
1 month anniversary of his death.. 3 more days and it would
have been our 2 months..not much to say, just want to get
out of work and go visit him.
2003-06-16 14:44:10
ahh jeez
my stress level today is ultra high... first off its been 5 weeks since I lost jon, fuck. last night I went to play
pool and my ex was there and even though we've had a pretty rough past I noticed that he was kind of upset all night, so I approached him and talked to him, and he was worried about his dad... long story short, he hasnt heard from him in over 5 days and hes worried that something bad might have happened to him and he told me that if anything happens to his dad then he'll take his own life, so i was up all night talking him out of that stupidity and i had to get up early this morning and come to work, and when I got to work I fell asleep for an hour, and I work on the phone... and I yelled at a few people for waking me up, oh well. I'll live. prob get fired or something.. anyways, last thursday was the one month anniversary of jons death, and yesterday was our 2 month anniversary.. but yah, thursday i drove to the cemetary which is a good hour away from my house, but only 40 minutes from my job so I left early from work and went there, and I went to walmart to
stop and get him some flowers, and I ran into his mom in the floral dept, so that was kinda cool, so anyways, I
picked him some flowers, and brought them to his grave, and as I was putting them in the ground making sure they would stay up, a god damned monsoon came down and completely drenched me full of mud and water and crap, so i ran back to the car, where my windows were wide open, and sat inside and stared at the flowers get bent and fallen from the rain falling so hard on the them, and it didnt look like it was going to let up, so i ripped the string off the air freshener and ran back out and tied them together making sure they would stay together and stand up, (cant give jon sloppy flowers) so that was fine, and then the next day I went to put a memorium sticker on the back of my car, and I guess the fucking glass wasnt hot enough and it didnt stick
so the date of his birth and death never stuck on and the last 3 letters of his last name fell off, and then it started to god damn rain again, so I balled my eyes out of course, cuz everytime i try to do something for jon, i fuck up, so i stood in the rain with a towel trying to tape and fix these stupid god damned stickers. i dont know what the hell is up with the weather lately, its just as miserable as i am, every god damned day we have a lightning and thunder storm with nasty hardass rain, its getting annoying, i wish the rain would just fuck off. i hate my job, and i smoke too much, my fucking throat hurts and my voice sounds like im 40 years old, i just hate everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OH YAH I HATE THIS FUCKING ARTICLE:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Family mourns loss of lighthearted son
Wreck victim Jonathan Joseph Bergman, 20, was remembered as an honors student, a budding musician and a good golfer.
By STEVE THOMPSON
© St. Petersburg Times
published May 14, 2003
ZEPHYRHILLS - What made Jonathan Joseph Bergman swerve into oncoming traffic, his family wondered Tuesday.
Maybe the sun was in his eyes, his mother speculated. Perhaps his cell phone distracted him.
Family members might never find out, but they talked about how they miss the happy-go-lucky man who loved music and doted on his 2-year-old cousin.
Bergman, who died less than two weeks shy of his 21st birthday, was headed home from work Monday as he had done each day since shortly after graduating from Tampa Technical Institute in January.
He was driving north on U.S. 301 to his parents' home at 39615 Meadowood Loop when he swerved into the southbound lane and collided head-on with a semitrailer truck at 5:42 p.m., according to the Florida Highway Patrol. The truck driver, William James Kelliher, 33, of Lutz, was not injured.
State records show Bergman had a history of driving problems since 1998, including three accidents in which he received citations. He also was ticketed three times for speeding and twice for driving without insurance. Adjudication was withheld in two of the speeding cases and in both of the insurance cases. He also completed driving school and a substance abuse course in 1998. Authorities do not suspect alcohol played a role in Monday's accident.
Bergman was always smiling, his mother, June Bergman, said at the family's home Tuesday, as one of his brothers cried in the garage.
Also missing Bergman was his cousin Alyssa, 2.
"He just loved her, and she just loved him," said Bergman's mother, who said he had always been good with kids. "Some of her traits Jonathan had when he was 2."
Bergman graduated in 2000 from Zephyrhills High School, where relatives said he frequently made the honor roll. He loved sports and was good at many, including golf; he once won a tournament at Zephyrhills City Golf Course. While a student at Stewart Middle School, he raised a rabbit that won a first-place ribbon at the Pasco County Fair.
After graduating from high school, Bergman went to Pasco-Hernando Community College on a scholarship. He later transferred to Tampa Technical Institute, where he earned an associate of science degree in computer networking. He was on the dean's list.
After graduating, Bergman began using his computer skills in a job with Software Spectrum, a Tampa company that provides technical support to some Internet clients.
Bergman also loved music. He had started playing in a band with his best friends, Josh Johnson, 20, and Kyle Fee, 19. Johnson played guitar, Fee played the drums and Bergman was learning to play bass.
"He was just starting out, but it was something he was really interested in," Johnson said. The trio often went out on the town together, attending concerts and having fun.