Its pissing me off.
I hate feeling this crap. I know I haven't really written about it here. But I just feel like I'm going through hell. My mum found out today when I just burst into tears in the car. But now she's pissing me off with it. She started going on about how I shouldn't worry about my future and shit like that. THATS NOT WHATS FUCKING WRONG!!!!!!!! i don't care about my bloody future.I wasn't just going to say "Well I just hate myself, and just treating people like shit and want to die" now was I? I really do just hate myself just now, everything about me. Personality wise. I'm boring, insecure, quiet, i treat people craply. And its not just me, if it wasn't true I'd have some more friends. Actually I'd have some friends. I just feel like I just have Dave. And yet, I'm not being that nice to him. I keep accusing him of whatever. He was out drinking with a lesbian, I got worked up about it. We were on the phone tonight, and for it, repeatedly. It makes me feel more crap when I'm like that. I can't lose him, and he knows that. He has really helped me this week, he's been there for me, and hasn't just given up even when I've been so accusatory. I told him what wrong, and he's been sogood. I just wanna be back to normal. Though now my mums going to be asking questions as to why I'm not eating so much, and about a scratch on my wrist. I am just not hungry, I don't want to be anorexic, I like my body as it is I just don't have much of an appetite. And its just a scratch, thats all I don't know how it happened it just looks like I failed at slitting my wrists. Which I haven't. I don't even bother trying, cos I'm too much of a coward. But I suppose thats a good thing. I just hit my fist side on at walls to get out frustration.
I wanna be my normal happy self. Getting this off my chest is a good enough start. Even though I didn't talk about my problem directly. But I'm sure people will understand how I feel. No this isn't for attention, I don't care if no one or everyone reads it.
I am feeling better since I started writing this. Mainly due to writing this and Dave.
"Aww but u always seem outwardly happy hun, I dunno whats the matter. ur so beautiful and cuTe ;-D and clever tae, i dunno whats up :-S x x x x x"
"Like on the forum? Then I am, talking to u and y'know, i just end up feeling shite about myself, i just feel like i have a shite personality and that no one even likes or has liked me (except u i know u love me :-D) thats when i start to over react as u've noticed and that makes me feel worse thats y i kept apologising x x x x x"
"Uv got a lovely personality hunni, one of the most loveable i know ;-D i just cant see y u get upset when ur so great, got a great future and ur sexy x x x"
"Aww hunni, that made me wanna cry... In a good way, i love u so much for putting up with me when I'm like this, ur a star hunni and i'll love u forever x x x"
I wanna be my normal happy self. Getting this off my chest is a good enough start. Even though I didn't talk about my problem directly. But I'm sure people will understand how I feel. No this isn't for attention, I don't care if no one or everyone reads it.
I am feeling better since I started writing this. Mainly due to writing this and Dave.
"Aww but u always seem outwardly happy hun, I dunno whats the matter. ur so beautiful and cuTe ;-D and clever tae, i dunno whats up :-S x x x x x"
"Like on the forum? Then I am, talking to u and y'know, i just end up feeling shite about myself, i just feel like i have a shite personality and that no one even likes or has liked me (except u i know u love me :-D) thats when i start to over react as u've noticed and that makes me feel worse thats y i kept apologising x x x x x"
"Uv got a lovely personality hunni, one of the most loveable i know ;-D i just cant see y u get upset when ur so great, got a great future and ur sexy x x x"
"Aww hunni, that made me wanna cry... In a good way, i love u so much for putting up with me when I'm like this, ur a star hunni and i'll love u forever x x x"