StupidEntry 1.0
Sometimes I experience so many sensations simultaneously that I feel completely overwhelmed. I don't know if this is really a problem, but lately I am thinking and feeling so much at once that I think I might have reached my capacity for thought. I don't know if any of you know what I mean (I am pretty sure Adeline and steel might?) but I am starting to wonder how healthy it can be to continue this course. There are so many unfiltered thoughts entering my head lately, and while they are not necessarily worrying in and of themselves, I am a little concerned at the frequency and intensity at which some of them arrive. Today at work I "spaced out" a few times and felt like I was experiencing a completely new area of my brain where thoughts flew in one after another, pushing each other out of the way. It was like a room full of people shouting, almost.
Every second I would have some sort of epiphany about who I am and what I am supposed to be and do. I suppose with everything that's going on lately - stress at work, family issues, preparing to leave town - I just start thinking and thinking and thinking and I don't fucking STOP. Although some of the things that go through me are pretty redundant, there are positive effects of what's been happening lately. I don't really know why, but in the past few weeks I have stopped fearing people. I'm not afraid to relax in the presence of my boss anymore. I'm not afraid of the abusive people who come in during my shift, verbally threatening me unless I do this or that. I'm just not afraid to put myself first anymore... Lately, if I feel like I should be doing something, I just do it. It's like that Achewood quote Adeline had... "Getting into trouble is a false idea." That's the quote, right?
Anyway, although my brain is going full speed ahead these days I feel invigorated and energized. I'm not afraid to offend anyone by being who I am, or speaking how I want to speak. The other day I was clubbing with some friends and started talking with a native man who was waiting in the same line as me. Now, I was fucking drunk at the time. VERY much drunk. And when I approached the bouncers at the door, they let me in. When the native approached them, they refused his entrance on the basis of him being "too drunk", when it was pretty fucking obvious this was a case of racism. I turned around and told the bouncers "That's fucking stupid, I'm drunk of my goddamn ass and you let me in. Fuck your club." So I walked with this native dude for a while and bought him a drink. I dunno, it's hard to describe but for once I acted on what I was feeling, and it was gratifying. Even if it was while I was drunk, I told a racist bouncer to get fucked, right in his face.
So there is shit going on, and yeah I am sounding like a fucking idiot or whatever, but the lines of what's right and wrong are really starting to blur for me. People I used to think were "right" are acting "wrong", I feel like nothing is concrete anymore. And that's a good feeling. Kind of like there are no borders anywhere. I can go where I want even if I don't have a map, because that doesn't frighten me any more. My stances on morals, behaviour, ethics, even sexuality... A lot of things are unclear right now. More than anything I want to move on with my life, leave my city and everything I know and experience a new life. Things were stagnant for a while there, but someone's stirring the shit now.
Every second I would have some sort of epiphany about who I am and what I am supposed to be and do. I suppose with everything that's going on lately - stress at work, family issues, preparing to leave town - I just start thinking and thinking and thinking and I don't fucking STOP. Although some of the things that go through me are pretty redundant, there are positive effects of what's been happening lately. I don't really know why, but in the past few weeks I have stopped fearing people. I'm not afraid to relax in the presence of my boss anymore. I'm not afraid of the abusive people who come in during my shift, verbally threatening me unless I do this or that. I'm just not afraid to put myself first anymore... Lately, if I feel like I should be doing something, I just do it. It's like that Achewood quote Adeline had... "Getting into trouble is a false idea." That's the quote, right?
Anyway, although my brain is going full speed ahead these days I feel invigorated and energized. I'm not afraid to offend anyone by being who I am, or speaking how I want to speak. The other day I was clubbing with some friends and started talking with a native man who was waiting in the same line as me. Now, I was fucking drunk at the time. VERY much drunk. And when I approached the bouncers at the door, they let me in. When the native approached them, they refused his entrance on the basis of him being "too drunk", when it was pretty fucking obvious this was a case of racism. I turned around and told the bouncers "That's fucking stupid, I'm drunk of my goddamn ass and you let me in. Fuck your club." So I walked with this native dude for a while and bought him a drink. I dunno, it's hard to describe but for once I acted on what I was feeling, and it was gratifying. Even if it was while I was drunk, I told a racist bouncer to get fucked, right in his face.
So there is shit going on, and yeah I am sounding like a fucking idiot or whatever, but the lines of what's right and wrong are really starting to blur for me. People I used to think were "right" are acting "wrong", I feel like nothing is concrete anymore. And that's a good feeling. Kind of like there are no borders anywhere. I can go where I want even if I don't have a map, because that doesn't frighten me any more. My stances on morals, behaviour, ethics, even sexuality... A lot of things are unclear right now. More than anything I want to move on with my life, leave my city and everything I know and experience a new life. Things were stagnant for a while there, but someone's stirring the shit now.