Earth to Brenda: Take your Money, Disappear. Or Else.
Per our divorce decree, we've agreed for a certain QDRO to calculate how much of my pension she gets to take away. Do I enjoy it? Eh. It's the Cost of Moving On. And moving on from a sexless marriage in a banana-colored house littered with worthless knick-knacks and bits of junk has been uhhhh GREAT. On which I won't elaborate, cuz that's not the point.
The point is, Red Wing's Dimmest Bulb hasn't been cooperating with the QDRO. Why? No Farking Clue. They've asked one simple question in how to calculate the division of My Money and she won't answer. They'll GIVE HER MY MONEY. But she won't. Even THEY'RE like: Know what? F you guys if y'all 'can't come to an agreement' by mid-April. Come to a Who?
I've got a deck on MY house, which is gorgeous inside. I've been seeing a younger woman for 2 or 3 nights a week for a year and a half already. The Small and Unfortunate Stain that was Brenda keeps fading away in the distance. But in the way that Folk that Struggle with their Insignificance do...? She Don't Wanna Leave.
But here's the Reality: This is the court-ordered course of action. She doesn't answer the question? She's in contempt of court. My attorney costs $250 an hour, takes a $3000 retainer and if she doesn't answer the Simple Ducking Question RIGHT DUCKING NOW I will sue for contempt and the court will take EVERY PENNY OF THAT out of her thick-headed, slow-moving, gravy-boat kissing Canadian ass. Plus court costs, plus my lost wages, plus whatever else we can think of. Less money than she likely hid behind the bathtub plumbing and conveniently stole, but enough to get her attention.
Yes, I'm being insulting. With significant restraint, TBH. Answer a simple question, take my money, fade away. Nobody cares about you. Nobody will. Unless you'd really like to get flicked like a housefly with a bloody sledgehammer.
Go check yourself into an inpatient psych ward--but email a simple answer to a question first so I can DUCKING AGREE TO IT. Either answer results in You Getting Money, cuz I lacked the Good Sense to Do Much Better, Much Sooner. And that's my fault. Shrug, shrug. I'll weep about that in Myng's generous natural bosom tonight. Fine, I'm lying. I truly won't. Oh--don't forget you've been trespassed from My House.