On Sorting Out What I Really Want--or, When Big Expectations Meet a Heart that's Too Small
The Current Guest Bedroom, for those who forgot
So a great many readers are female and also ridiculously attractive. Y'all know who you are.
Anyway, I woke up thinking of one of the Collective Female Y'all especially much this morning. She's brown and lives in another country and came from yet another one and had curly hair and this VOICE that...well, iono. Every time she does a video clip my first gut reaction is OMG I JUST WANNA SQUISH YOU COME TO AMEERKA PINCH PINCH PINCH PINCH PINCH and I've had to stop myself from saying that aloud, cuz well YOU know. She's an actual Adult Human Being with Real Feelings and all. Which leaves me to sit in my hometown and think that to my damn self, and wonder how Fate packed anywhere near that much adorableness into One Adult Person.
But she's also a super-intrepid Solo World traveler, who's bounced in and out of hostels and stranger's couches and The Whole Nine. And one part of Me Wondered, How would I get some Ridiculously Adorable Gal like her in my third bedroom as a guest? Cuz wouldn't that be nice?
Then My Questioning Side said, Doesn't Ms. Squishy Adorable have a dog? And my Homeowner Self went all High-Pitched Chris Tucker HellLLLLlllllll NAWWW but Questioner continued, You KNOW She Smokes that August 1st Shit and Homeowner Went DOUBLE FUCK THAT, NOT IN MA HOUSE SHE DON'T
And then I remembered all the issues I have with Even The Very Best Person, Female or Not Right Now. Who's ACTUALLY been by my side during my darkest and held me while I've questioned My Own Self Worth and Value to ANYONE On This Earth and betrayal after Betrayal after BETRAYAL of people who've never deserved to be treated as well as I've treated them. From people I Thought Were Friends, Who've Only seen me as a Lesser Human Being to ex-wives and children who might even admit that no one in their life has EVER treated them as well as I've chosen to treat them.
Not that I've Given to People with expectations that they'd ever be As Good to Me. Come on Now. I'm Me. I'm like, the Fucking Green Lantern of Treating People Well. I give people love for the Beauty of Giving Love. Especially on the level that I'm capable of Expressing It. Most People simply aren't capable of Expressing Love on My Level and That's Okay.
Maybe I've sent out enough Love into the World for One Lifetime. Perhaps I've more than Earned the Right to draw hard lines around Anyone Allowed in my Personal Space. I'm making a Rather Nice Space even more kick-ass. People have to Deserve to Be In It. By the Very High and Occasionally Shifting Standards of a Jury of One.
Well, well. This went places I wasn't expecting. Had a whole 'nother end planned (why's my heart So Small and How Do I Do 'Better?') but nah. My Heart's Fine. It's been more than fine for quite a while. My Personal High Standards have led to Great Personal Results. I should stop apologizing for having them, muster a bit of courage, refine them into Higher Ones and see where Those Take Me. Could be fun.
Speaking of which, time to climb outta bed and get a few miles in. Good Talk