Mike measures his whiteness
I went to Stuff White People Like and bolded all the stuff that applied to me to measure how white I was as a percentage. Keep in mind that there are 120 items on this list, so this is out of 120%.
Taking a Year Off: I haven't done this.
Sea Salt: No different from regular salt, as far as I'm concerned.
Ugly Sweater Parties: Umm... what?
Political Prisoners: Naah.
Black Music that Black People Don’t Listen to Anymore: Nope. I listen to a lot of 311.
Promising to Learn a New Language: Nope.
America: Yes, but not for the reason given.
Halloween: Fun, but I think I get into it less than anyone I know.
Hummus: Guilty. NOM NOM NOM.
Pea Coats: I don't own one.
Frisbee Sports: I've never played "Ultimate."
The Onion: Very, very guilty. "That reminds me of an Onion article..."
Appearing to Enjoy Classical Music: Naw, dude. Naw.
Self Aware Hip Hop References: I think I do this more than anyone I know.
Facebook: I don't have one.
Unpaid Internships: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no.
Girls with Bangs: I debated this one, but I determined that I fall too far on the indifference side to bold it.
Sweaters: I do own a bunch of sweaters, but they're all about the same style and they're pretty inconspicuous.
Children’s Games as Adults: Not quite.
Being Offended: No. I make fun of people who do this.
Bumper Stickers: I own none.
Grammar: Mike not really care.
The Ivy League: Umm... 'kay.
Scarves: Don't own one.
New Balance Shoes: Don't own any.
Rugby: No.
Free Healthcare: Hell to the no.
Music Piracy: Yeee!
Book Deals: I'm not that good a writer.
San Francisco: It'd be cool to go there sometime, but I'm not all, "wooo, San Fancisco." I live in New Orleans, dammit. I get enough diversity here.
Dinner Parties: Naw.
St. Patrick’s Day: Ready for this? Not as much as I used to. I barely drink at all anymore.
Having Gay Friends: When Josh left town, I actually put an ad on Craigslist for a new token gay friend. It got removed for being homophobic or some bullshit. Fuckin' fags.
Outdoor Performance Clothes: Don't own any.
Shorts: My blood is WAY too thin for what they're suggesting.
The Wire: I don't watch TV. This will come back to haunt me later, though...
T-Shirts: I view T-Shirts as "many people and cultures" view them.
Bad Memories of High School: Yeeeaaaahhh...
Hating Corporations: No.
Graduate School: Very no.
The Idea of Soccer: ...huh?
Modern Furniture: Meh.
Multilingual Children: I've got a few cousins that are multilingual (and their parents are some of the whitest people EVER) and really cool, but I don't want children, so no.
Musical Comedy: Mike likes all forms of comedy.
Bottles of Water: Uh uh.
Threatening to Move to Canada: I'm pretty sure I've never done this.
Oscar Parties: Who on the what now?
Gentrification: When white people leave, it's white flight. When they move back, it's gentrification. Go figure.
Study Abroad: Maybe I should've done this, but naah.
Being the only white person around: Indifferent.
Difficult Breakups: ...no.
Mos Def: I don't even know who this guy is.
Michel Gondry: Ditto.
Standing Still at Concerts: To be honest, though, it depends on the concert.
Divorce: I don't want to get married in the first place.
Co-Ed Sports: Never done it.
Recycling: Lol, no.
Expensive Sandwiches: Not so much.
Knowing What’s Best for Poor People: I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Bicycles: Don't own one.
Toyota Prius: Global warming is a lie.
Natural Medicine: Indifferent.
Japan: I'd like to go there, but Mike is not turning Japanese like some OTHER white people (I really don't think so).
Juno: Never seen it.
Lawyers: I'd better.
Apologies: Heh.
Kitchen Gadgets: Nope.
Dogs: Indifferent.
Sarah Silverman: She's reasonably lol, but nothing special.
Living by the Water: Above sea level, kthx.
Irony: Actually, yeah. I'm big on this one.
Vintage: Naah.
Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops: Schwegmann's, nigga.
Arts Degrees: Just get a food service job and flush the money that you get from that food service job straight down the toilet. It'll save you some time.
The Sunday New York Times: Naah.
Asian Fusion Food: Mike thinks not.
Public Radio: No.
Plays: I'll hit one up every once in a while, but I'm not huge on them.
Sushi: NOM NOM NOM. But unlike some OTHER white people, I don't care about the "proper" way to eat it. Then there was that time I ate an entire chunk of wasabi...
Indie Music: I'm really potpourri with my music. One or two songs by Foals, and that's about it.
Apple Products: Naah.
Netflix: No.
Arrested Development: Don't watch TV again. It's coming up...
Renovations: No thanks.
Breakfast Places: I'm more of a sleep-as-long-as-I-can kinda guy.
The Daily Show/Colbert Report: Can be funny, but the fact that these two shows are the primary news source for a lot of people really scares me.
Architecture: Bleh.
Marijuana: I've favored legalization for a long as I can remember even though I can't smoke it myself.
Vegan/Vegetarianism: Not this Mike.
Snowboarding: I live too far south.
Wrigley Field: I didn't even know it was in Chicago until I checked.
80s Night: No explanation needed.
Not having a TV: I've got other ways to entertain myself.
Marathons: Naah.
Manhattan (now Brooklyn too!): Nice to visit, wouldn't want to live there.
David Sedaris: If I don't know who he is, I'm pretty sure I can't bold him.
Wine: Can't stand white. Red is good, but I barely drink anymore.
Microbreweries: Abita isn't a microbrewery, and that's as small as I go.
Having Two Last Names: I don't.
Writers Workshops: What?
Being an expert on YOUR culture: I deliberately avoid this.
Traveling: I'd like to, more.
Awareness: I make fun of this. A lot.
Hating their Parents: Mmm, no.
Gifted Children: Don't want kids.
Yoga: Naah.
Having Black Friends: Mike is non-discriminatory. It's not bold because I don't care.
Tea: Yeah, but I'm not that pretentious about it.
Non-Profit Organizations: Non-profit? What's the point?
Asian Girls: NOM NOM NOM. But not to the exclusion of other races.
Wes Anderson Movies: I have seen none of them.
Making you feel bad about not going outside: No.
Barack Obama: No.
Diversity: Note that this applies only to restaurants... and it's not bolded because I don't care. I'll eat anything.
Organic Food: I want a Pepsi fucking challenge done to see if anyone can actually tell the difference.
Farmer’s Markets: Not quite.
Assists: I'm a pretty good wingman.
Film Festivals: Never been to one.
Religions their parents don’t belong to: Mike is atheist, and I don't think that counts.
Coffee: GLUG GLUG GLUG
Mike is 21% white. I am not a very good white person.
Taking a Year Off: I haven't done this.
Sea Salt: No different from regular salt, as far as I'm concerned.
Ugly Sweater Parties: Umm... what?
Political Prisoners: Naah.
Black Music that Black People Don’t Listen to Anymore: Nope. I listen to a lot of 311.
Promising to Learn a New Language: Nope.
America: Yes, but not for the reason given.
Halloween: Fun, but I think I get into it less than anyone I know.
Hummus: Guilty. NOM NOM NOM.
Pea Coats: I don't own one.
Frisbee Sports: I've never played "Ultimate."
The Onion: Very, very guilty. "That reminds me of an Onion article..."
Appearing to Enjoy Classical Music: Naw, dude. Naw.
Self Aware Hip Hop References: I think I do this more than anyone I know.
Facebook: I don't have one.
Unpaid Internships: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no.
Girls with Bangs: I debated this one, but I determined that I fall too far on the indifference side to bold it.
Sweaters: I do own a bunch of sweaters, but they're all about the same style and they're pretty inconspicuous.
Children’s Games as Adults: Not quite.
Being Offended: No. I make fun of people who do this.
Bumper Stickers: I own none.
Grammar: Mike not really care.
The Ivy League: Umm... 'kay.
Scarves: Don't own one.
New Balance Shoes: Don't own any.
Rugby: No.
Free Healthcare: Hell to the no.
Music Piracy: Yeee!
Book Deals: I'm not that good a writer.
San Francisco: It'd be cool to go there sometime, but I'm not all, "wooo, San Fancisco." I live in New Orleans, dammit. I get enough diversity here.
Dinner Parties: Naw.
St. Patrick’s Day: Ready for this? Not as much as I used to. I barely drink at all anymore.
Having Gay Friends: When Josh left town, I actually put an ad on Craigslist for a new token gay friend. It got removed for being homophobic or some bullshit. Fuckin' fags.
Outdoor Performance Clothes: Don't own any.
Shorts: My blood is WAY too thin for what they're suggesting.
The Wire: I don't watch TV. This will come back to haunt me later, though...
T-Shirts: I view T-Shirts as "many people and cultures" view them.
Bad Memories of High School: Yeeeaaaahhh...
Hating Corporations: No.
Graduate School: Very no.
The Idea of Soccer: ...huh?
Modern Furniture: Meh.
Multilingual Children: I've got a few cousins that are multilingual (and their parents are some of the whitest people EVER) and really cool, but I don't want children, so no.
Musical Comedy: Mike likes all forms of comedy.
Bottles of Water: Uh uh.
Threatening to Move to Canada: I'm pretty sure I've never done this.
Oscar Parties: Who on the what now?
Gentrification: When white people leave, it's white flight. When they move back, it's gentrification. Go figure.
Study Abroad: Maybe I should've done this, but naah.
Being the only white person around: Indifferent.
Difficult Breakups: ...no.
Mos Def: I don't even know who this guy is.
Michel Gondry: Ditto.
Standing Still at Concerts: To be honest, though, it depends on the concert.
Divorce: I don't want to get married in the first place.
Co-Ed Sports: Never done it.
Recycling: Lol, no.
Expensive Sandwiches: Not so much.
Knowing What’s Best for Poor People: I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Bicycles: Don't own one.
Toyota Prius: Global warming is a lie.
Natural Medicine: Indifferent.
Japan: I'd like to go there, but Mike is not turning Japanese like some OTHER white people (I really don't think so).
Juno: Never seen it.
Lawyers: I'd better.
Apologies: Heh.
Kitchen Gadgets: Nope.
Dogs: Indifferent.
Sarah Silverman: She's reasonably lol, but nothing special.
Living by the Water: Above sea level, kthx.
Irony: Actually, yeah. I'm big on this one.
Vintage: Naah.
Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops: Schwegmann's, nigga.
Arts Degrees: Just get a food service job and flush the money that you get from that food service job straight down the toilet. It'll save you some time.
The Sunday New York Times: Naah.
Asian Fusion Food: Mike thinks not.
Public Radio: No.
Plays: I'll hit one up every once in a while, but I'm not huge on them.
Sushi: NOM NOM NOM. But unlike some OTHER white people, I don't care about the "proper" way to eat it. Then there was that time I ate an entire chunk of wasabi...
Indie Music: I'm really potpourri with my music. One or two songs by Foals, and that's about it.
Apple Products: Naah.
Netflix: No.
Arrested Development: Don't watch TV again. It's coming up...
Renovations: No thanks.
Breakfast Places: I'm more of a sleep-as-long-as-I-can kinda guy.
The Daily Show/Colbert Report: Can be funny, but the fact that these two shows are the primary news source for a lot of people really scares me.
Architecture: Bleh.
Marijuana: I've favored legalization for a long as I can remember even though I can't smoke it myself.
Vegan/Vegetarianism: Not this Mike.
Snowboarding: I live too far south.
Wrigley Field: I didn't even know it was in Chicago until I checked.
80s Night: No explanation needed.
Not having a TV: I've got other ways to entertain myself.
Marathons: Naah.
Manhattan (now Brooklyn too!): Nice to visit, wouldn't want to live there.
David Sedaris: If I don't know who he is, I'm pretty sure I can't bold him.
Wine: Can't stand white. Red is good, but I barely drink anymore.
Microbreweries: Abita isn't a microbrewery, and that's as small as I go.
Having Two Last Names: I don't.
Writers Workshops: What?
Being an expert on YOUR culture: I deliberately avoid this.
Traveling: I'd like to, more.
Awareness: I make fun of this. A lot.
Hating their Parents: Mmm, no.
Gifted Children: Don't want kids.
Yoga: Naah.
Having Black Friends: Mike is non-discriminatory. It's not bold because I don't care.
Tea: Yeah, but I'm not that pretentious about it.
Non-Profit Organizations: Non-profit? What's the point?
Asian Girls: NOM NOM NOM. But not to the exclusion of other races.
Wes Anderson Movies: I have seen none of them.
Making you feel bad about not going outside: No.
Barack Obama: No.
Diversity: Note that this applies only to restaurants... and it's not bolded because I don't care. I'll eat anything.
Organic Food: I want a Pepsi fucking challenge done to see if anyone can actually tell the difference.
Farmer’s Markets: Not quite.
Assists: I'm a pretty good wingman.
Film Festivals: Never been to one.
Religions their parents don’t belong to: Mike is atheist, and I don't think that counts.
Coffee: GLUG GLUG GLUG
Mike is 21% white. I am not a very good white person.