So apparently I wrote this last Christmas
Title: Untitled Lexx Fic
Author: newengland32
Date: December 2010
Fandom: Lexx
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Stan/Xev
Disclaimer: I do not own Lexx, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. (The incorrigible Lexx crew belongs to Paul Donovan, Syfy, and Salter Street Films. I'm just borrowing them.)
Summary: Xev and Stan get bored and end up in a war between anthropomorphic fish people. And possibly make out.
---
If you discounted the strange aquatic beings the two intrepid explorers discovered, and the lost explorer (also an alien of strange dimensions, although it didn't stop Xev from hitting on hir anyway) whose ship crashed into the Little Lexx, or the run-in with Prince they would soon have (it was unavoidable), or the remnants of the Brunnen-G they would discover, Stan and Xev were alone in the universe.
The first time Stan set foot in the Dark Zone, he took a chance and hit on a beautiful young girl over half his age. She had bright blue hair and was no longer entirely human. He didn't know her when she was human, or when she was obese, or know that she had been abandoned by her parents, and these tidbits of history came slowly to him over the months and years. She wasn't even human when he met her in a hallway fleeing capture. She shrieked at some Cluster Lizards intent on eating them, with a sound made by no human larynx.
Why *not* make a pass at her? Ten years was a long time without a woman. It had been even longer, because even being in the Ostral-B Heretics, he didn't get anyone to look twice at him. The only reason he was trusted with so monumental a task as to transfer the DNA of the Lexx was because he was so invisible, so ordinary. Who would ever suspect such a loser to *be* entrusted with it? But not getting laid in the Ostral-B Heretics only led to losing the plans. Stopping off at a whorehouse, where mercenaries could snatch you (and do even worse things), turned out to be the worst idea in the history of the Light Zone.
It had probably been more like fifteen years, and his last girlfriend was the sort that didn't fall in love with him, per se. He didn't have husband potential. They met on a one-night-stand that lasted a few awkward weeks, broke up, had the Light Zone equivalent of a coffee date months later, hooked up, broke up, tenuous friendship, finally never seen again. He heard rumors from mutual acquaintances she never liked him anyway.
Of course a strange blue haired lizard girl wouldn't look twice at him, were it not for the fact he piloted their new home. In exile, searching endlessly for a place to live and finding none that didn't get blown up within days (if not hours), by the two of them, no less, she had to put up with his presence. Reluctant roommates on a living ship. With only a deadly corpse (a warrior poet assassin) and an obnoxious robot to break the tension.
Things were fun, sometimes, on the Lexx. In between the life or death encounters, when not trying to save a universe, when not being chased off a planet and being forced to destroy it. When not being harassed or captured or maimed or raped or robbed or conned…yeah, things were fun, sometimes, on the Lexx.
Little Lexx living, Little Lexx rules. Even without Kai's stolid presence, the relief of boredom was comfortable. Stan didn't even think of Xev as a sexual prospect anymore. She was his closest companion. (And she'd tried to kill him with a halberd.)
So it would be shocking to find her sitting on the bridge, then extending her hand out. What? Was this one of those Earth things? That "high five"? Even if he lived in a culture with "high fives," Stan would be the sort who constantly missed.
Sure that blue haired lizard girl years back had extended a hand to hold his. She would do that over the years; it was nothing. She was an affectionate person, even with the man she had once claimed made her skin crawl. But now she looked up at him expectantly so he touched his fingertips to hers, confused, and found her dragging him down to the floor to sit beside her and look out Little Lexx's new, wide window at the stars.
She sat cross-legged, elbow on her knee propping her chin up, the other hand grasping his, making their fingers entwine, her thumb running across his skin absently.
"Where should we go next?" she asked dreamily.
Stan couldn't stop himself from putting on a whiney tone.
"Definitely not another place like Aquaria. Those Myrmidons give me the creeps."
Xev smiled, but she wasn't looking at him. She was gazing at the stars.
"I doubt they colonized any other planets," she said. The Myrmidons were water-bound, although they could breathe on land with the proper equipment, and did not have space-travel. Xev only found them when she was swimming.
They landed and finally found a beach uninhabited by carnivorous plants, immortal specters with dyed blond hair, or reality TV show camera crews. No girls, though.
Xev had disrobed immediately, without even making Stan turn around. That was curious enough, but the star above beat down so hot, even the minimal amount of leather she still wore began to stick against her sweating skin uncomfortably. She waded into the sea, then dove below. Had she ever swam before?! Cluster Lizards didn't swim.
Apparently it didn't matter, because the water was shallow, so with blond hair splayed out in the water, Xev let herself float. Stan began to strip down and head into the water. What was the point of modesty anymore? Of being cautious of danger? Kai was gone. The rules had all changed. Prince could be anywhere. The only sure thing was Lyekka's race had been defeated. Death lurked everywhere. What was the point in worrying? The worst that could ever happen had already happened to him, time and again. And here was the most beautiful woman in his life (the only woman in his life) floating carefree in the water. A dip in the sea would do them both good.
And just as he sank down into the surf, he saw the strange waves.
"Xev."
She didn't look up, just let the sun warm her face as she gently splashed.
"Xev," he said urgently, pointing. She turned and looked, then rose, bare breasts and all, and backed up towards the shore. Stan waded to climb out, but the tide came in hard and fast. It wasn't a natural wave. It didn't have that rolling start to it, didn't break against the shore as waves did. It was a rising beast, from underneath the tides.
Three of them.
They were the Myrmidons, snake-like creatures, but they were more than mere beasts, because they had SCUBA-like gear on, only instead of air pumping into their masks, it was water for their gills.
Xev got into a fighting stance, and even now she couldn't help but let out some of those impossible Lizard noises. But in a commanding female voice, with what the Earthlings used to call a German accent (but Stan had always assumed was from the planet B3K), Xev said, "Who are you and what do you want with us?" No offer to explain her swimming in what was probably their waters. Xev didn't often apologize to anyone.
The Myrmidons only wondered why these aliens were, in fact, trespassing in their waters, and they tried their best to explain, but it was difficult, because the strangely convenient way in which they had discovered all humans spoke the same language (someone in another parallel world named Daniel Jackson would have something to say about that), that didn't apply to the Myrmidons.
As it turned out, Lyekka only ever knew Stan's language because she was psychic, so the Myrmidons had to do things the old-fashioned way. Hit the intruders over the head and capture them until something can be done to make them talk proper Myrmidon language. Maybe their scientists could study them. But they'd drown on the way down. With any luck, some other beings lived on the same planet. The Naga.
It had to be either bad luck or something equally annoying, like Fate, that put the two of them in the middle of wars every single time they landed. The Naga and the Myrmidons were at war. Naturally. And the two of them found themselves caught in the middle. Of course. As always. And the beings discovered the existence of the Little Lexx, and guess what? They wanted it.
Stan, back on Little Lexx after the Great War of the Skies between a bunch of fish-people and some snake-people, with his one lizard-girl, was much relieved to get some rest. As if an exploding universe, an exploding purgatory, an exploding Earth, and an exploding Kai hadn't been bad enough.
But Xev just smiled and turned to look at him, her thumb still just gently rubbing his hand. "It wasn't all bad, back there," she said. "I like getting out, seeing the universe, meeting new people."
"People," Stan snorted, before remembering who he was talking to. "Those weren't people, they were animals."
Xev's grip on his hand tightened, almost painfully. She glared at him.
He half expected her to growl again. That was one of the ways she tried to communicate with the Naga and Myrmidons, before they found a Naga who could translate. Impossible girl.
Her grip loosened, but she didn't let go. Instead she actually leaned on his shoulder and snuggled closer.
"Then where *should* we go next? It's entirely up to you," she said, and he knew she didn't mean it.
If he just repeated the same thing he had said for years - someplace sustainable, possibly with beaches and girls, plenty of food for them and the Little Lexx, someplace safe and boring - she would shoot down the idea, especially after having gotten the taste for adventure again. Without Kai it was even more dangerous setting foot on strange planets. Without 790 it was difficult to tell which had civilizations or even breathable air. All they could do was swoop down and check, then land and see from there. Where they went was never up to him, though. She would always insist on something more exciting.
For now they were content to be bored. Alone in the universe (but not really; now they knew there were still others out there who had survived). Light Zone gone, only the Dark Zone (for all they knew), full of surprises. Always full of surprises.
Surprises like Xev kissing him.
"What are you…?"
Just his neck, and just a peck. He figured she was just being affectionate, until she did it again, and then again…and again…
"I'm bored," she said, like this was the most normal thing in the world, for her to be touching her best friend like this, the repulsive old man twice her age, a womanizing coward who only occasionally showed selfless courage, and more often did the right thing entirely by accident.
She had a chirpy casual tone, as she sometimes did. She smiled up at him, not even flirtatiously, but like a kid. If she wasn't a 20-something-year old woman, there'd be something really wrong about the situation.
There still was, but a bored Xev was an unhappy Xev who made ultimatums like, "Land this ship on the next creepy fish-men-filled planet or you will get an ass-kicking."
"I figure, since there's no one else, and there's just the two of us…"
That sounded awfully familiar. Yes, he said it to her younger blue-haired self years earlier.
"I'm listening," he said. Was all he could really say, at this point, without stuttering and losing his composure.
"…then we should just have a bit of fun."
Wow, did it sound that fake when it came from his lips?
"What do you say?" she asked, flirtatiously, eyes lidded, lips pursed, her body close. This had to be a trick, some kind of ploy, some kind of game.
"I say let's go for it," he replied, matching her tone, smirking and trying not to let the doubt show. (That for once he even had any second thoughts was remarkable.)
He moved to kiss her lips, but she turned her head.
"Xev," he said, exasperated. "I'm getting tired of these games."
But she quirked an eyebrow at him, and tilted her head.
"C'mere," she said.
"What?"
"Just kiss me back, okay? I wanna try something."
And so he pecked her on the neck, figuring that was all she'd be game for. She nodded impatiently, and so he put some serious effort into being as good at this as she was, at not screwing this up, at…
…making her let out breathy little gasps.
Like a couple of teenagers, the two of them, on a flying insect they hoped they'd never have to give The Talk, an old man and a grown woman who had plenty of sex on all kinds of planets with all kinds of people.
They had to find another beach pronto, Myrmidons and all. He put a hand on her hip, she wrapped her arm around him, they lay down on the bridge's floor and lazily made out. Even the Little Lexx knew something strange was up, so he dimmed his lights and sped up, looking for a planet with a beach that Xev could stretch out on, blonde hair in the light, salty water to float in, with no cities of snakes or fish. Just one lizard girl, eyes shut in pleasure at the sensations around her. She would not need her old best friend to touch her skin if warm ocean waters could lap at it.
Author: newengland32
Date: December 2010
Fandom: Lexx
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Stan/Xev
Disclaimer: I do not own Lexx, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. (The incorrigible Lexx crew belongs to Paul Donovan, Syfy, and Salter Street Films. I'm just borrowing them.)
Summary: Xev and Stan get bored and end up in a war between anthropomorphic fish people. And possibly make out.
---
If you discounted the strange aquatic beings the two intrepid explorers discovered, and the lost explorer (also an alien of strange dimensions, although it didn't stop Xev from hitting on hir anyway) whose ship crashed into the Little Lexx, or the run-in with Prince they would soon have (it was unavoidable), or the remnants of the Brunnen-G they would discover, Stan and Xev were alone in the universe.
The first time Stan set foot in the Dark Zone, he took a chance and hit on a beautiful young girl over half his age. She had bright blue hair and was no longer entirely human. He didn't know her when she was human, or when she was obese, or know that she had been abandoned by her parents, and these tidbits of history came slowly to him over the months and years. She wasn't even human when he met her in a hallway fleeing capture. She shrieked at some Cluster Lizards intent on eating them, with a sound made by no human larynx.
Why *not* make a pass at her? Ten years was a long time without a woman. It had been even longer, because even being in the Ostral-B Heretics, he didn't get anyone to look twice at him. The only reason he was trusted with so monumental a task as to transfer the DNA of the Lexx was because he was so invisible, so ordinary. Who would ever suspect such a loser to *be* entrusted with it? But not getting laid in the Ostral-B Heretics only led to losing the plans. Stopping off at a whorehouse, where mercenaries could snatch you (and do even worse things), turned out to be the worst idea in the history of the Light Zone.
It had probably been more like fifteen years, and his last girlfriend was the sort that didn't fall in love with him, per se. He didn't have husband potential. They met on a one-night-stand that lasted a few awkward weeks, broke up, had the Light Zone equivalent of a coffee date months later, hooked up, broke up, tenuous friendship, finally never seen again. He heard rumors from mutual acquaintances she never liked him anyway.
Of course a strange blue haired lizard girl wouldn't look twice at him, were it not for the fact he piloted their new home. In exile, searching endlessly for a place to live and finding none that didn't get blown up within days (if not hours), by the two of them, no less, she had to put up with his presence. Reluctant roommates on a living ship. With only a deadly corpse (a warrior poet assassin) and an obnoxious robot to break the tension.
Things were fun, sometimes, on the Lexx. In between the life or death encounters, when not trying to save a universe, when not being chased off a planet and being forced to destroy it. When not being harassed or captured or maimed or raped or robbed or conned…yeah, things were fun, sometimes, on the Lexx.
Little Lexx living, Little Lexx rules. Even without Kai's stolid presence, the relief of boredom was comfortable. Stan didn't even think of Xev as a sexual prospect anymore. She was his closest companion. (And she'd tried to kill him with a halberd.)
So it would be shocking to find her sitting on the bridge, then extending her hand out. What? Was this one of those Earth things? That "high five"? Even if he lived in a culture with "high fives," Stan would be the sort who constantly missed.
Sure that blue haired lizard girl years back had extended a hand to hold his. She would do that over the years; it was nothing. She was an affectionate person, even with the man she had once claimed made her skin crawl. But now she looked up at him expectantly so he touched his fingertips to hers, confused, and found her dragging him down to the floor to sit beside her and look out Little Lexx's new, wide window at the stars.
She sat cross-legged, elbow on her knee propping her chin up, the other hand grasping his, making their fingers entwine, her thumb running across his skin absently.
"Where should we go next?" she asked dreamily.
Stan couldn't stop himself from putting on a whiney tone.
"Definitely not another place like Aquaria. Those Myrmidons give me the creeps."
Xev smiled, but she wasn't looking at him. She was gazing at the stars.
"I doubt they colonized any other planets," she said. The Myrmidons were water-bound, although they could breathe on land with the proper equipment, and did not have space-travel. Xev only found them when she was swimming.
They landed and finally found a beach uninhabited by carnivorous plants, immortal specters with dyed blond hair, or reality TV show camera crews. No girls, though.
Xev had disrobed immediately, without even making Stan turn around. That was curious enough, but the star above beat down so hot, even the minimal amount of leather she still wore began to stick against her sweating skin uncomfortably. She waded into the sea, then dove below. Had she ever swam before?! Cluster Lizards didn't swim.
Apparently it didn't matter, because the water was shallow, so with blond hair splayed out in the water, Xev let herself float. Stan began to strip down and head into the water. What was the point of modesty anymore? Of being cautious of danger? Kai was gone. The rules had all changed. Prince could be anywhere. The only sure thing was Lyekka's race had been defeated. Death lurked everywhere. What was the point in worrying? The worst that could ever happen had already happened to him, time and again. And here was the most beautiful woman in his life (the only woman in his life) floating carefree in the water. A dip in the sea would do them both good.
And just as he sank down into the surf, he saw the strange waves.
"Xev."
She didn't look up, just let the sun warm her face as she gently splashed.
"Xev," he said urgently, pointing. She turned and looked, then rose, bare breasts and all, and backed up towards the shore. Stan waded to climb out, but the tide came in hard and fast. It wasn't a natural wave. It didn't have that rolling start to it, didn't break against the shore as waves did. It was a rising beast, from underneath the tides.
Three of them.
They were the Myrmidons, snake-like creatures, but they were more than mere beasts, because they had SCUBA-like gear on, only instead of air pumping into their masks, it was water for their gills.
Xev got into a fighting stance, and even now she couldn't help but let out some of those impossible Lizard noises. But in a commanding female voice, with what the Earthlings used to call a German accent (but Stan had always assumed was from the planet B3K), Xev said, "Who are you and what do you want with us?" No offer to explain her swimming in what was probably their waters. Xev didn't often apologize to anyone.
The Myrmidons only wondered why these aliens were, in fact, trespassing in their waters, and they tried their best to explain, but it was difficult, because the strangely convenient way in which they had discovered all humans spoke the same language (someone in another parallel world named Daniel Jackson would have something to say about that), that didn't apply to the Myrmidons.
As it turned out, Lyekka only ever knew Stan's language because she was psychic, so the Myrmidons had to do things the old-fashioned way. Hit the intruders over the head and capture them until something can be done to make them talk proper Myrmidon language. Maybe their scientists could study them. But they'd drown on the way down. With any luck, some other beings lived on the same planet. The Naga.
It had to be either bad luck or something equally annoying, like Fate, that put the two of them in the middle of wars every single time they landed. The Naga and the Myrmidons were at war. Naturally. And the two of them found themselves caught in the middle. Of course. As always. And the beings discovered the existence of the Little Lexx, and guess what? They wanted it.
Stan, back on Little Lexx after the Great War of the Skies between a bunch of fish-people and some snake-people, with his one lizard-girl, was much relieved to get some rest. As if an exploding universe, an exploding purgatory, an exploding Earth, and an exploding Kai hadn't been bad enough.
But Xev just smiled and turned to look at him, her thumb still just gently rubbing his hand. "It wasn't all bad, back there," she said. "I like getting out, seeing the universe, meeting new people."
"People," Stan snorted, before remembering who he was talking to. "Those weren't people, they were animals."
Xev's grip on his hand tightened, almost painfully. She glared at him.
He half expected her to growl again. That was one of the ways she tried to communicate with the Naga and Myrmidons, before they found a Naga who could translate. Impossible girl.
Her grip loosened, but she didn't let go. Instead she actually leaned on his shoulder and snuggled closer.
"Then where *should* we go next? It's entirely up to you," she said, and he knew she didn't mean it.
If he just repeated the same thing he had said for years - someplace sustainable, possibly with beaches and girls, plenty of food for them and the Little Lexx, someplace safe and boring - she would shoot down the idea, especially after having gotten the taste for adventure again. Without Kai it was even more dangerous setting foot on strange planets. Without 790 it was difficult to tell which had civilizations or even breathable air. All they could do was swoop down and check, then land and see from there. Where they went was never up to him, though. She would always insist on something more exciting.
For now they were content to be bored. Alone in the universe (but not really; now they knew there were still others out there who had survived). Light Zone gone, only the Dark Zone (for all they knew), full of surprises. Always full of surprises.
Surprises like Xev kissing him.
"What are you…?"
Just his neck, and just a peck. He figured she was just being affectionate, until she did it again, and then again…and again…
"I'm bored," she said, like this was the most normal thing in the world, for her to be touching her best friend like this, the repulsive old man twice her age, a womanizing coward who only occasionally showed selfless courage, and more often did the right thing entirely by accident.
She had a chirpy casual tone, as she sometimes did. She smiled up at him, not even flirtatiously, but like a kid. If she wasn't a 20-something-year old woman, there'd be something really wrong about the situation.
There still was, but a bored Xev was an unhappy Xev who made ultimatums like, "Land this ship on the next creepy fish-men-filled planet or you will get an ass-kicking."
"I figure, since there's no one else, and there's just the two of us…"
That sounded awfully familiar. Yes, he said it to her younger blue-haired self years earlier.
"I'm listening," he said. Was all he could really say, at this point, without stuttering and losing his composure.
"…then we should just have a bit of fun."
Wow, did it sound that fake when it came from his lips?
"What do you say?" she asked, flirtatiously, eyes lidded, lips pursed, her body close. This had to be a trick, some kind of ploy, some kind of game.
"I say let's go for it," he replied, matching her tone, smirking and trying not to let the doubt show. (That for once he even had any second thoughts was remarkable.)
He moved to kiss her lips, but she turned her head.
"Xev," he said, exasperated. "I'm getting tired of these games."
But she quirked an eyebrow at him, and tilted her head.
"C'mere," she said.
"What?"
"Just kiss me back, okay? I wanna try something."
And so he pecked her on the neck, figuring that was all she'd be game for. She nodded impatiently, and so he put some serious effort into being as good at this as she was, at not screwing this up, at…
…making her let out breathy little gasps.
Like a couple of teenagers, the two of them, on a flying insect they hoped they'd never have to give The Talk, an old man and a grown woman who had plenty of sex on all kinds of planets with all kinds of people.
They had to find another beach pronto, Myrmidons and all. He put a hand on her hip, she wrapped her arm around him, they lay down on the bridge's floor and lazily made out. Even the Little Lexx knew something strange was up, so he dimmed his lights and sped up, looking for a planet with a beach that Xev could stretch out on, blonde hair in the light, salty water to float in, with no cities of snakes or fish. Just one lizard girl, eyes shut in pleasure at the sensations around her. She would not need her old best friend to touch her skin if warm ocean waters could lap at it.