love lost, found, jailed, killed, and reborn
People make mistakes... we all know it, and we all do it somtimes. That dosent make it better, and its no excuse... but, it is a reminder that no one is perfect, and sooner or later, no matter how hard you try, you will make a mistake. And someone you trusted and held in the highest regard - isnt always going to live up to the level you have placed them on. Everyone falls of there pedestal sooner or later. Lately, I have made NUMEROUS ifractions on peoples trust of me. All but one of them were non intentonal... and ironcly, that was the least important one. I have slept with women, and people got hurt because of it. I have severed ties with people because of actions that were beond anyones control. And the big kicker is that all the things ive done, all the pain ive caused to the people I love, I know I deserve what coming to me. I know that things arent going to get better for me becuase I never want to do these things. Its no excuse.. but all the things ive done to people in the last months.. are honest mistakes... I know that only about 3 people are ever going to read this, and they prolly wont bealive me anyway, but hey.. at least I got the chance to say it. This isny a pity club for me, Im mearly stating how I feel about all of this because it puts into perspective about how much the people I hurt must feel. Ive lost a WONDERFULL chance at a relationship that could have made m happier than Ive ever imagined. Ive lost a longtime friend over a petty squabble about a woman. Ive cause rifts between me and people that once thought kind thoughts of me. Now these people see me as somone who has entered there life, fuck things up, and left again. An annoying bump in the road of life, soon to be forgoten as more important obsticles arise to chalenge them (B- I know how you feel when you say that... but I really am that person)
People often wonder why I do the things I do. And I am often telling them that I didnt do anything. People change the things I say into somthing I didnt, or at least not the way I did. People blame me for being the target of others affections. Am I really in the wrong because P was hitting on me. No, I didnt stop it, but nor did eather of you. Am I really that bad of a guy for NOT hitting on her back. For NOT taking the oppertunity. I think Im a least entitled to a little slack. I thought it was ok. I thought no one would have been mad at me even if I did fuck her.... BUT I STILL DIDNT! AND WOULDENT HAVE!!!! You say I have no respect because it was in your room, in front of your face, and I thought it was ok with you. That should show you I have more respect and care for you because, Hypotheticly. in my mind, it WAS ok. and I could have done it with no negative reprecutions. But I respected you enough, and care for you enough not to let "because I can" influence what I do that much. Yes, I didnt stop it because I enjoyed it, but I didnt keep going because I enjoy you far more, and I saw no reason to start that when I had somthing that was more that enough already.
Cupcake.. Ive hurt you numerous times.. but this last one is the only one I have to claim complete responsibility for. Yes, the others I felt at fault for, but I felt at fault for not seeing the situation that was causeing the problem. For not being able to stop it. For not realizing what was happening before it was to late. Now I did do this last one. There were no outside influences, and I know that. But know this, if you really wanted me, without any ties like I said it had to be, why did you try and tie me. I made it abundantly clear I was going to be doing things with other people, and your stipulation of haveing to tell you when I did made sense... having to tell you who, is just non of your buissness. Even though you felt we were "dating, but no managomis" you have to understand that feeling was not felt on both sides. You asked me why I couldent make a commitment to one person. I told you why and then some. You forced a promise out of me. Can you really blame me for trying to keep that option open for when I reach the crossroads? I didnt tell you because you said if I did hook up with them, there would be no chance, and you would not want me in your life. How do you think that made me feel. You said you didnt want to give me an umtimadum, but thats exactly what you did. And you didnt have to give it. I said you should give it time... think it over, and then decide if you wanted to bother with me. You didnt. You jump right into somthing that you though was differant than it actuly was..... trust me.. I know the feeling. Just understand that when you tell me there would be no hope for us if I hooked up with them, and I CANT make a commitment like that, what do you expect me to do. Just smile and say goodbye forever to one of the most important people in my life? Hell no.. fight for it. Try and make sure you understand how unfair it is to all of it. Make sacrifices you said. I was making them. In spades. I put you and I on the line. I put my and B on the line. I put everything on the line, and waited for you to make a sacrifice. I was waiting for you to give somthing up as well. But no, you said it was all you or nothing. If I hooked up with them you would bolt. Well, what about working for what you want. You put it all on me to make sure we had this option when I was ready. couldent you have made the sacrifice of hooking up with me, so I could get my "head out of me ass?" If you really love me, or loved, whatever, couldent you put in a little work. Its not easy for me, so why should it be for you. You set up the situation so you got everything you wanted, and if anything went wrong, it would be my fault, or your choice. And it dosent even seem like you care that what you wanted wasnt what I wanted. I STILL made allowanced I never should have to make you happy. by telling me you would leave forever if I did do it, you basicly told me that I had to be with you, and only you, forever more. Yes, we had an aggrement that I could hookup with others if I told you.. but you still made it so that If i didnt come home to YOU, I would never be able to. Thats like me walking up to you, after you broke your leg, and telling you to stand up and walk home, or I would break them both and youd never walk again. So what do you do? Stand up, limp home, and try to hide the fact that it hurts.
Well.. ive ranted enough so Ill get back to the point. Love hurts... it always will. People as a whole dont get along perfectly with one another, but so long as we remember that not everyone is out to get you.. we can make allowences, apologies, and most important, forgive the ones we love, if only for the sake of love itself.
People often wonder why I do the things I do. And I am often telling them that I didnt do anything. People change the things I say into somthing I didnt, or at least not the way I did. People blame me for being the target of others affections. Am I really in the wrong because P was hitting on me. No, I didnt stop it, but nor did eather of you. Am I really that bad of a guy for NOT hitting on her back. For NOT taking the oppertunity. I think Im a least entitled to a little slack. I thought it was ok. I thought no one would have been mad at me even if I did fuck her.... BUT I STILL DIDNT! AND WOULDENT HAVE!!!! You say I have no respect because it was in your room, in front of your face, and I thought it was ok with you. That should show you I have more respect and care for you because, Hypotheticly. in my mind, it WAS ok. and I could have done it with no negative reprecutions. But I respected you enough, and care for you enough not to let "because I can" influence what I do that much. Yes, I didnt stop it because I enjoyed it, but I didnt keep going because I enjoy you far more, and I saw no reason to start that when I had somthing that was more that enough already.
Cupcake.. Ive hurt you numerous times.. but this last one is the only one I have to claim complete responsibility for. Yes, the others I felt at fault for, but I felt at fault for not seeing the situation that was causeing the problem. For not being able to stop it. For not realizing what was happening before it was to late. Now I did do this last one. There were no outside influences, and I know that. But know this, if you really wanted me, without any ties like I said it had to be, why did you try and tie me. I made it abundantly clear I was going to be doing things with other people, and your stipulation of haveing to tell you when I did made sense... having to tell you who, is just non of your buissness. Even though you felt we were "dating, but no managomis" you have to understand that feeling was not felt on both sides. You asked me why I couldent make a commitment to one person. I told you why and then some. You forced a promise out of me. Can you really blame me for trying to keep that option open for when I reach the crossroads? I didnt tell you because you said if I did hook up with them, there would be no chance, and you would not want me in your life. How do you think that made me feel. You said you didnt want to give me an umtimadum, but thats exactly what you did. And you didnt have to give it. I said you should give it time... think it over, and then decide if you wanted to bother with me. You didnt. You jump right into somthing that you though was differant than it actuly was..... trust me.. I know the feeling. Just understand that when you tell me there would be no hope for us if I hooked up with them, and I CANT make a commitment like that, what do you expect me to do. Just smile and say goodbye forever to one of the most important people in my life? Hell no.. fight for it. Try and make sure you understand how unfair it is to all of it. Make sacrifices you said. I was making them. In spades. I put you and I on the line. I put my and B on the line. I put everything on the line, and waited for you to make a sacrifice. I was waiting for you to give somthing up as well. But no, you said it was all you or nothing. If I hooked up with them you would bolt. Well, what about working for what you want. You put it all on me to make sure we had this option when I was ready. couldent you have made the sacrifice of hooking up with me, so I could get my "head out of me ass?" If you really love me, or loved, whatever, couldent you put in a little work. Its not easy for me, so why should it be for you. You set up the situation so you got everything you wanted, and if anything went wrong, it would be my fault, or your choice. And it dosent even seem like you care that what you wanted wasnt what I wanted. I STILL made allowanced I never should have to make you happy. by telling me you would leave forever if I did do it, you basicly told me that I had to be with you, and only you, forever more. Yes, we had an aggrement that I could hookup with others if I told you.. but you still made it so that If i didnt come home to YOU, I would never be able to. Thats like me walking up to you, after you broke your leg, and telling you to stand up and walk home, or I would break them both and youd never walk again. So what do you do? Stand up, limp home, and try to hide the fact that it hurts.
Well.. ive ranted enough so Ill get back to the point. Love hurts... it always will. People as a whole dont get along perfectly with one another, but so long as we remember that not everyone is out to get you.. we can make allowences, apologies, and most important, forgive the ones we love, if only for the sake of love itself.