STATE OF THE ACE.
Alright, so. It's been a little while since I had anything positive to say here, and that's too bad. Today, though, I'm happy to say that I actually can say good things!
Now if any of you have been paying attention, talking to me, following my moods, it should be pretty clear that I was getting worse, not better- Spiraling downward, so to speak. I'm not the sort of person who can explain reasons, or confide in people or anything like that even in the best of circumstances until after the fact. It's just how I am. I can say the reason for that is that I wasn't sleeping. ...Like, at all. Every time I tried to go to sleep I would have vivid recurring dreams where I'd relive, in one way or another, everything that's happened to me over the past year. Even in the case of 'happy' dreams, waking up was painful because the dream would end. So for months I was getting by on 3-4 hours per night. Melatonin helped my fall asleep but it makes dreams more vivid so it made matters worse most of the time, not better.
Then something good finally happened- I ran out of it. Well of course that was bad at first, naturally. But the end result was positive- After a week or two days of not being able to sleep at all, I scoured the medicine cabinet and finally found some good old fashioned benedryl sleep pills. I tend to avoid those because lol a lot of people have negative reactions to gen 1 antihistamine and I didn't wanna risk it, but I was desperate. I ended up drugging myself into a cold, deep sleep for like, two days. (And no, before anyone worries, I did NOT more than the recommended dosage of no more than one pill per 6 hour period of time, I was just that exhausted.)
...And then something amazing happened. I slept without dreaming. Or maybe I just didn't care what the dreams where about, it didn't matter... I woke up feeling good. I cleaned up the pig sty I'd been living in. And that ALSO made me feel good. Nothing like a clean living space for a fresh start. Although I do still have the dust problem, it's so much more manageable now.
More than anything else, right now I don't feel miserable. If anything, I'm actually in a good mood. A month ago a sustained good mood was completely impossible for me.
So what now? Gonna try to drop some of the weight I packed on lately. (Really, it's rediculous.) More good news though, is that I've been strength training. I bought a barbel a few months ago, and I've actually made excellent progress with it. I don't have a bench-per-se, but I'm good at improvising- a few hundred bench presses per day with that and my biceps are getting better and better. It's a noticeable improvement, and that also makes me happy. Maybe sometime soon I'll have biceps by Chris Redfield. :V
I have stuff I could go into length about on the subject of love and relationships and dating (Which is nothing negative), but I'm not going to get into it right now. The important part is I'm coming to terms with and trying to just be okay with being single. (And having some degree of success with that, I'll add.) Of course if certain cute girls I could think of just happened to decide to jump into my arms, I'd be 100% okay with that. Just saying.
The important thing is I'm okay, folks. I'm gonna be just fine.
AND NOW A MEME. Because I am the worlds biggest lj meme hor. stolen from perfectassassin ~
What has surprised you the most about me (if anything) since joining my flist/"friending me"? Was anything completely unexpected or have I always fit the picture of me you have in your head?
Post this in your own journal and see how you have surprised people!
Now if any of you have been paying attention, talking to me, following my moods, it should be pretty clear that I was getting worse, not better- Spiraling downward, so to speak. I'm not the sort of person who can explain reasons, or confide in people or anything like that even in the best of circumstances until after the fact. It's just how I am. I can say the reason for that is that I wasn't sleeping. ...Like, at all. Every time I tried to go to sleep I would have vivid recurring dreams where I'd relive, in one way or another, everything that's happened to me over the past year. Even in the case of 'happy' dreams, waking up was painful because the dream would end. So for months I was getting by on 3-4 hours per night. Melatonin helped my fall asleep but it makes dreams more vivid so it made matters worse most of the time, not better.
Then something good finally happened- I ran out of it. Well of course that was bad at first, naturally. But the end result was positive- After a week or two days of not being able to sleep at all, I scoured the medicine cabinet and finally found some good old fashioned benedryl sleep pills. I tend to avoid those because lol a lot of people have negative reactions to gen 1 antihistamine and I didn't wanna risk it, but I was desperate. I ended up drugging myself into a cold, deep sleep for like, two days. (And no, before anyone worries, I did NOT more than the recommended dosage of no more than one pill per 6 hour period of time, I was just that exhausted.)
...And then something amazing happened. I slept without dreaming. Or maybe I just didn't care what the dreams where about, it didn't matter... I woke up feeling good. I cleaned up the pig sty I'd been living in. And that ALSO made me feel good. Nothing like a clean living space for a fresh start. Although I do still have the dust problem, it's so much more manageable now.
More than anything else, right now I don't feel miserable. If anything, I'm actually in a good mood. A month ago a sustained good mood was completely impossible for me.
So what now? Gonna try to drop some of the weight I packed on lately. (Really, it's rediculous.) More good news though, is that I've been strength training. I bought a barbel a few months ago, and I've actually made excellent progress with it. I don't have a bench-per-se, but I'm good at improvising- a few hundred bench presses per day with that and my biceps are getting better and better. It's a noticeable improvement, and that also makes me happy. Maybe sometime soon I'll have biceps by Chris Redfield. :V
I have stuff I could go into length about on the subject of love and relationships and dating (Which is nothing negative), but I'm not going to get into it right now. The important part is I'm coming to terms with and trying to just be okay with being single. (And having some degree of success with that, I'll add.) Of course if certain cute girls I could think of just happened to decide to jump into my arms, I'd be 100% okay with that. Just saying.
The important thing is I'm okay, folks. I'm gonna be just fine.
AND NOW A MEME. Because I am the worlds biggest lj meme hor. stolen from perfectassassin ~
What has surprised you the most about me (if anything) since joining my flist/"friending me"? Was anything completely unexpected or have I always fit the picture of me you have in your head?
Post this in your own journal and see how you have surprised people!