Gasping for breath
I have no idea when the last time I made a post was. So much has happened in my real life the past few months, it's been like a constant roller coaster of stress and seriously what the shit world.
The problems with my mother have been pretty all-consuming as far as family goes. Things seem to be going pretty evenly right now, but I have no idea what's gonna happen in the future. All I can do is hang in there and try to be supportive. Sometimes its harder.
Her drinking hit an all time high with an all time low, and she got arrested at an airport for being drunk and belligerent in a public place. That caused problems with her job, and she went on a massive spiral into even more drinking. She had taken to making suicide threats, ineffectively cutting herself with kitchen utensils, and we had to have her hospitalized on suicide watch somewhere over a half dozen times. It got to the point where it was routine.
Now, her job (somehow she still has one...) has put her on an extended leave of absence and she's in an outpatient rehab program. The past two or three weeks she's been absolutely clean, which has been wonderful. I fear she's on more of a runners high and just going through the motions, though, and I wonder if she'll be able to stick with it long term. Who the fuck even knows. I've been acting as both her 'moral support' and her chaperone, keeping tabs where I can and trying to stay positive to help her get through this all. I wish I could say it wasn't somewhat draining, but I guess it can't be helped. Somebody has to be there.
I don't think she's realized yet how many people her drinking really hurt. I think she's still in heavy denial about how much of a problem it's been, and I don't know how she'll deal with things as they become more real. This isn't the beginning of the end of her problems- it's the first steps towards a long term, probably painful solution. I wonder if she'll have it in her? Meanwhile, the state of finances, I don't even know. Still don't know for sure if this house will still be here next month or the month after at this rate.
As for myself- I'm surviving, somehow. The stress from all of this has been killing me, but I'm still standing. I even managed to get an A in my 3D design and rendering class, somehow. I've been endlessly staring at ebay auctions and dumb robot toys to keep my mind off of things. I'm enrolled in classes for next semester, and I might even get a fed-aid-grant. Gramma said she might help me with a new computer for the rendering, as well.
As for my hobbies- those were the first thing to suffer. I've barely been able to touch my model kits since shit hit the fan, and as for RP- the game I was modding died while I was preoccupied with real life. Maybe it was a foregone conclusion... I don't think I'll be back to playing the games for some time to come, at the current rate. I've been playing a few video games, but mostly only what I could put on my PSP or DS.
It feels like I'm running a marathon, and it's not even at the quarter-mile point yet. I have no idea how long this race lasts. Being behind the 8-ball- And with so many family members passing on lately- This is exactly how it was 10 years ago. I remember that time as the second worst point of my entire life. I hope this doesn't manage to eclipse it.
I want to be optimistic, but history has proven that to be a mistake, over and over again. Last night I felt pretty high on the world, though. Maybe I can have more days like that, and my family can manage to get past the horrible problems it's currently facing. Only time can tell.
The problems with my mother have been pretty all-consuming as far as family goes. Things seem to be going pretty evenly right now, but I have no idea what's gonna happen in the future. All I can do is hang in there and try to be supportive. Sometimes its harder.
Her drinking hit an all time high with an all time low, and she got arrested at an airport for being drunk and belligerent in a public place. That caused problems with her job, and she went on a massive spiral into even more drinking. She had taken to making suicide threats, ineffectively cutting herself with kitchen utensils, and we had to have her hospitalized on suicide watch somewhere over a half dozen times. It got to the point where it was routine.
Now, her job (somehow she still has one...) has put her on an extended leave of absence and she's in an outpatient rehab program. The past two or three weeks she's been absolutely clean, which has been wonderful. I fear she's on more of a runners high and just going through the motions, though, and I wonder if she'll be able to stick with it long term. Who the fuck even knows. I've been acting as both her 'moral support' and her chaperone, keeping tabs where I can and trying to stay positive to help her get through this all. I wish I could say it wasn't somewhat draining, but I guess it can't be helped. Somebody has to be there.
I don't think she's realized yet how many people her drinking really hurt. I think she's still in heavy denial about how much of a problem it's been, and I don't know how she'll deal with things as they become more real. This isn't the beginning of the end of her problems- it's the first steps towards a long term, probably painful solution. I wonder if she'll have it in her? Meanwhile, the state of finances, I don't even know. Still don't know for sure if this house will still be here next month or the month after at this rate.
As for myself- I'm surviving, somehow. The stress from all of this has been killing me, but I'm still standing. I even managed to get an A in my 3D design and rendering class, somehow. I've been endlessly staring at ebay auctions and dumb robot toys to keep my mind off of things. I'm enrolled in classes for next semester, and I might even get a fed-aid-grant. Gramma said she might help me with a new computer for the rendering, as well.
As for my hobbies- those were the first thing to suffer. I've barely been able to touch my model kits since shit hit the fan, and as for RP- the game I was modding died while I was preoccupied with real life. Maybe it was a foregone conclusion... I don't think I'll be back to playing the games for some time to come, at the current rate. I've been playing a few video games, but mostly only what I could put on my PSP or DS.
It feels like I'm running a marathon, and it's not even at the quarter-mile point yet. I have no idea how long this race lasts. Being behind the 8-ball- And with so many family members passing on lately- This is exactly how it was 10 years ago. I remember that time as the second worst point of my entire life. I hope this doesn't manage to eclipse it.
I want to be optimistic, but history has proven that to be a mistake, over and over again. Last night I felt pretty high on the world, though. Maybe I can have more days like that, and my family can manage to get past the horrible problems it's currently facing. Only time can tell.