(no subject)
I've been struggling a lot lately with some ideas. Life ideas. Like whether I'm worth his love, or how I'll ever afford my own place. Trying to find out why up until so recently I was so full of hate, and I can't figure it out. I don't have an excuse I know that much. Life experiences take a toll on you, that's what I've been told. I never thought they were doing this too me but maybe I was wrong, maybe I did let them get to me a bit. And I'd bitch about him smoking when in reality I've always found it sexy. I like a boy that smells like ciggaretts and easy sex. Maybe it took going away to remember why I fell so hard for him in the first place and why I need him in my life. I'm 19 but sometimes I feel so much older. Grief, drugs, alcohol, sex, rape, a baby, death of some of the closest people to me. I just think maybe I let it age me. But I'm in control of my life and I need to stop that from happening. I'm not 19 going on 45. I don't want to be. I can't let the past rule what I say and do, or how my day will go with him. Those things are over and I'm stronger because of them, stronger with him. So all that negativity in my life and in my relationship has just got to go. I'm too young to be stressed. Too young to hold a grudge. I'm letting it all go. Starting with my childhood and going thru the phillips estate night and the little incident with a bathroom window. I just..I can't keep replaying these events in my mind over and over, it will kill me to spend the next 20 years even trying to. I'm in love and I'm not evil. I've made some choices I shouldn't have but I have the brains to learn from my mistakes. I'm done living in the past from here on out. I'm done basing decisions and emotions on "what was" and "used to be". The memories and the scars I will carry forever, but not the fear and hate. And as I've just learned today..that doesn't make me weak, it just makes me human. God, it feels good to be alive.