(no subject)
I'm happy things are calming down around here.
It's been a tough week for us.
Everybody has their days tho.
It was nice to be able to actually hold a conversation with two of my best friends. And for the first time in FOREVER there not be something wrong with one of them. Not that I'm not willing to be there. Just it's nice to joke around, and be serious but not have to worry.
I like it when things go this smoothly.
Sometimes I dont want to pick up the phone for you. Like tonight. I saw you name on the screen and I didnt want to call back. Cause I never know whats gonna be on the other line. Or for that matter, who. And no offense but I'm so sick of drama lately. Sick of myself for causing some with Jamie. Just sick of the backstabbing and hearing crap about everything. And today was so nice I just didnt want to take a chance of having to be there. How horrible do I sound? I remember that one night where I actually wished you had been in danielles place. I hated myself for a long time for thinking that. But it was just after you got in trouble. Just after my going over the bridge into houses late at night. Just kinda wishing like..it would be easier on your mind and my mind if had been u in her place. I wouldn't have to..be witness to anything anymore. Needless to say I'm happy you passed out while I was driving u home. Happy you didnt hear the things I said to you. Or if you did, happy you pretended not to and moved on. Because I've never hated you, not now and not ever. But I've wanted to hate you sometimes. Like that night. Wanted to just hate you and want nothing to do with you. Impossible. I doubt it would make life easier, but maybe it would make some nights less long. Maybe I wouldnt sometimes wake up and just keep my fingers crossed under my pillow , hoping that your home. Where your supposed to be. And maybe it would be easier on nights like tonight..when I'm either too scared or too full of anger to pick up the phone. (tho Im never sure which it is). I guess it's good I dont hate you and can love u so much it hurts. At least then when it is a good night I get to laugh at all your iddiodic jokes and your "fag hag banter". I guess what I'm trying to say is...when you call and I'm quiet and you ask "Is this a bad time? Are you busy?". It's not that I'm ever too busy for you..It's just that I might be wishing I was. Honestly.
On a lighter note...I am still crazy crazy CRAZY in love with my boy. I had a great night. And I can officially make it from his house, to georgetown and back again to his house in about 32 minutes. And I think that I rock for doing that. Just like I think he rocks for simply putting up with me. And loving me. I know its hard to love me when I'm craving chocolate and getting mad because he's buying a pack of gum and I have to pee. But he's amazing annnnd I <3 him. I'm not so fond of scary movies tho. Not the grudge 2 anyway. I guess if I had to see it, I'm happy that I saw it with him. *whispers* plus one of my favorite things is digging my head into his vest when I'm scared, that smell calms me down immediately. *end whisper* I'm just so content with him right now. Just content to be right where we are and this in love. It makes me wonder how I ever survied without him. It really does. My life feels so full now. Its amazing.
I like knowing that when I open my eyes in the morning, he'll always be my first thought.
It's been a tough week for us.
Everybody has their days tho.
It was nice to be able to actually hold a conversation with two of my best friends. And for the first time in FOREVER there not be something wrong with one of them. Not that I'm not willing to be there. Just it's nice to joke around, and be serious but not have to worry.
I like it when things go this smoothly.
Sometimes I dont want to pick up the phone for you. Like tonight. I saw you name on the screen and I didnt want to call back. Cause I never know whats gonna be on the other line. Or for that matter, who. And no offense but I'm so sick of drama lately. Sick of myself for causing some with Jamie. Just sick of the backstabbing and hearing crap about everything. And today was so nice I just didnt want to take a chance of having to be there. How horrible do I sound? I remember that one night where I actually wished you had been in danielles place. I hated myself for a long time for thinking that. But it was just after you got in trouble. Just after my going over the bridge into houses late at night. Just kinda wishing like..it would be easier on your mind and my mind if had been u in her place. I wouldn't have to..be witness to anything anymore. Needless to say I'm happy you passed out while I was driving u home. Happy you didnt hear the things I said to you. Or if you did, happy you pretended not to and moved on. Because I've never hated you, not now and not ever. But I've wanted to hate you sometimes. Like that night. Wanted to just hate you and want nothing to do with you. Impossible. I doubt it would make life easier, but maybe it would make some nights less long. Maybe I wouldnt sometimes wake up and just keep my fingers crossed under my pillow , hoping that your home. Where your supposed to be. And maybe it would be easier on nights like tonight..when I'm either too scared or too full of anger to pick up the phone. (tho Im never sure which it is). I guess it's good I dont hate you and can love u so much it hurts. At least then when it is a good night I get to laugh at all your iddiodic jokes and your "fag hag banter". I guess what I'm trying to say is...when you call and I'm quiet and you ask "Is this a bad time? Are you busy?". It's not that I'm ever too busy for you..It's just that I might be wishing I was. Honestly.
On a lighter note...I am still crazy crazy CRAZY in love with my boy. I had a great night. And I can officially make it from his house, to georgetown and back again to his house in about 32 minutes. And I think that I rock for doing that. Just like I think he rocks for simply putting up with me. And loving me. I know its hard to love me when I'm craving chocolate and getting mad because he's buying a pack of gum and I have to pee. But he's amazing annnnd I <3 him. I'm not so fond of scary movies tho. Not the grudge 2 anyway. I guess if I had to see it, I'm happy that I saw it with him. *whispers* plus one of my favorite things is digging my head into his vest when I'm scared, that smell calms me down immediately. *end whisper* I'm just so content with him right now. Just content to be right where we are and this in love. It makes me wonder how I ever survied without him. It really does. My life feels so full now. Its amazing.
I like knowing that when I open my eyes in the morning, he'll always be my first thought.