Facebook has eyes, Livejournal remains private.
I am only reflecting here because no one on facebook save a few are on here and I do not mind if they read this because they have no relation whatsoever to those I am talking about. Many people I am friends with on Facebook on the other hands are related to them in some form, be it in the past or now.
It has now been three years since I freed myself from their bonds. Three years since I grew to be my own person and not rely on others. Three years since I lost the ability to trust people as easily as I used to.
I grew up with the people in mind, starting in Grade 2. I had little snips with them throughout Primary School but most of them were resolved within minutes, hours or a couple of days at the very least. Our mums were friends. We had a taxi to and from school and were generally close most of the time. There were times when I felt that my friendship with them wasn't appreciated simply because they would band together and leave me to the side. They were stubborn but believed themselves to be angelic beings. They used to, and I believe still do, boast about that, being angels.
The two girls who boast about being angels will be named A and N. They are siblings. The other girl that was in our group will be named S.
I do not remember much of our arguments or our fights, nor do I remember everything I did with them. I do remember several bad times with them though, that were powerful enough to remain in my memories no matter how hard I wish to forget it and them. One time A and N were absent from school so it was just me and S in the taxi and that girl had been friends with the siblings longer than I had at the time. I should have known better not to trust her because we were talking about animals and what animals we wanted and I told her that I wanted a pet rat because they were so cool, and I had a pet mouse before. She seemed cool with that and even agreed with me in saying that they were cool. I told her not to tell A and N because they found rodents and certain other animals disgusting and the last time I'd mentioned something of the sort, they pushed me away. The next day I found out that S did in fact tell them and I was teased momentarily for it.
Another memory I have of them was at my Grade 5 camp. That was a horrible camping experience for me and I could not enjoy it very much despite my interest in history (the location was filled to the brim with stories, especially that of the infamous Ned Kelly) I spent some time crying and a lot of the time keeping to myself and feeling very ugly simply because they had called me fat at breakfast time. I only had toast and butter to eat and I was very picky with food at that time and so was hungry from dinner. They said they called me that in order to stop eating toast and butter because there were kids in another table watching me scarf food down. They didn't have to go and call me fat though, they could have just told me to stop because of the other kids.
I stayed home for three weeks being depressed because of that. Or it may have been something else that happened soon after. I do not remember.
The following year I made the decision to attend a different high school from them because I did not want to be near them anymore. Several things prompted this decision - I had a guy friend in Grade 3 who was pretty much a loner because he was chubby. I didn't want him to feel alone but eventually I was teased to the point of losing him as a friend and finding out he had moved to another school. I had few other friends and they grew away from me because of A and N and S. I had one I enjoyed being around but they would say mean things about her and to her and in order to stop them from doing so anymore I stopped being friends with her too. There was also another girl I was friends with who'd be pestered, taunted and bullied by others, including A, N and S. I felt sorry for her and am still friends with her now, but what they did to her made her cry and feel as if I had betrayed her, although I hadn't.
Moving onto graduation. I was so happy to have left Primary School behind me because it was not a very good time in my life. I looked forward to starting new, making new friends and not being friends with A, N and S. That blew up in my face towards the end of Year 7. I'd finally made a best friend, we'd have sleepovers fortnightly, have movie marathons, go everywhere and get hyper off sugar. We'd craft together and shop together as well. We were so close. The next year A and N had transferred high schools and moved into mine. They hung out with us in school, but my best friend at the time and them would have arguments because they were all stubborn and highly opinionated. One time it escalated to the point where I had to choose which one to hang out with and when. My then best friend and I grew apart.
My time with A and S in high school was pretty much the same as it was in high school only more bitchy. They were so picky over clothes and boys. Keep in mind I went to an all girl's school and they were very prudish. By this time I had some friends who were simply guys. I wasn't boy crazy then but I did mention wanting a boyfriend every once in a while because it was a bit lonely not having someone to cuddle when I was feeling down and someone to pour all my secrets out to. They were also very gossipy and judgmental. I couldn't dress the way I wanted to and wore what they deemed appropriate.
In Year 9 I became friends with another group of girls in my grade, named D and C in this case. We grew close and soon declared ourselves best friends. At the beginning of Year 10, D got a boyfriend for the first time and I instantly didn't like him. Later the previous year he was set up with me but I said no straight away because I know when to trust my instincts when meeting new people. He just seemed wrong and distrustful. I told D that I didn't like him and it caused some conflict between us. By this time I was also close with M who was living with C as a foster sibling. M was pushed away one time and I was the only one that stood by her and was her friend. C kicked her out of her house too. I told D that she had to choose between her boyfriend and me because he was too rude, a sexist, a racist and also very discriminatory (he used to call me a retard simply because I was hard of hearing). There was a guy I was interested in at the time, J, who was Indian and a very nice person, but D's boyfriend called him a currymuncher nonstop. D chose her boyfriend over me because she was lead to believe I had liked D and wanted him for myself but I detested him.
I ranted to A and N because I was feeling frustrated and it was right after the fight, so I was still smarting from the split. I said some things that shouldn't have been said but everyone says things they do not mean because they were angry. The next day I was away from school and by the end of the day I received a message from C telling me not to do the stuff I said. I instantly knew A and N had told them everything I said, even though they knew I wasn't the kind of person to stab people in the back and that I say a lot of things when I'm mad. In this case they said I was going to tell on D to her mother for having a boyfriend. I was scared of her mother so why would I even go up to her and say "Oh hay! Your daughter's got a boyfriend and he's a horny dick!" Yeah, right. Like I'd really do that. I reassured C that I would never do that and even said that I was disappointed that she did not know me very well if she believed I could stab people in the back like that. M turned her back on me, calling me a traitor and a liar and even said "I know where my loyalty lies" I was shocked and appalled. I supported her when C kicked her out of her house and even told her she could stay at mine for a while until she found another place to live. I did what I could do to make her happier and this was how she repaid me. Either way, I didn't talk to her after that, finding it pointless.
That was the last time I had any form of contact with A and N on friendly terms. Any forms of contact between us were civil and usually because we were paired together in class. I did not treat them badly or say anything to them at all. I pretty much ignored them the whole time because talking to them was not worth it.
A week or two after cutting off all ties with them, they had the nerve to get their mother to go up to mine and say "My darlings have been trying to apologise to your daughter but she is not talking to them and she won't forgive them." I was once more appalled, seeing as they had not made a move to say sorry or showed that they were sorry at all. It disgusted me to know that they could manipulate their own mother into believing that I was being a bitch to them. I spent the better part of the year in the library reading manga and novels. It was how I was introduced into the Japanese fandom (music and dramas and Arashi)
They called me a huge flirt because I was comfortable with guys and had some as friends. I never had a boyfriend before Year 11 aside from a short relationship in Year 7 that hardly lasted a few weeks. They said I was boy crazy and attention seeking but all I wanted was to be who I was and not be under scrutiny.
They left at the end of Year 11 after more than a year of me not speaking to them at all. They transferred to S's school. S added me on facebook then on msn and she was ok for a while. I knew A and N had transferred to her school so I wasn't stupid and knew they wanted to cause problems by trying to see if I would say something bad about them, even saying she had no idea the A n N had moved to her school let alone hers. I just said I had no idea and that I had not talked to them since 2008. I just remained indifferent. She gave up and left me to my own business.
Such a long history with them. Thinking back, I wonder why I was so weak, remaining by their side for so long knowing they were horrible friends. They had big mouths, were slippery and hurtful.
Now, I get bad dreams, dreams in which I'm back in high school and friends with them and knowing they were not my friends and I was just there because they forced me to. They were doing what they wanted and all I wanted was to break free and be happy, not trapped and miserable. The dreams would have different settings but the feelings were always the same, the context was always the same.
I've since then stopped having best friends, and have limited trust in people. I now only rely on first impressions with people because I'm usually right that way.
I have one thing to thank them for and that is for my love for Arashi. Without encountering Arashi back in 2008, my life would still be very bleak.
It has now been three years since I freed myself from their bonds. Three years since I grew to be my own person and not rely on others. Three years since I lost the ability to trust people as easily as I used to.
I grew up with the people in mind, starting in Grade 2. I had little snips with them throughout Primary School but most of them were resolved within minutes, hours or a couple of days at the very least. Our mums were friends. We had a taxi to and from school and were generally close most of the time. There were times when I felt that my friendship with them wasn't appreciated simply because they would band together and leave me to the side. They were stubborn but believed themselves to be angelic beings. They used to, and I believe still do, boast about that, being angels.
The two girls who boast about being angels will be named A and N. They are siblings. The other girl that was in our group will be named S.
I do not remember much of our arguments or our fights, nor do I remember everything I did with them. I do remember several bad times with them though, that were powerful enough to remain in my memories no matter how hard I wish to forget it and them. One time A and N were absent from school so it was just me and S in the taxi and that girl had been friends with the siblings longer than I had at the time. I should have known better not to trust her because we were talking about animals and what animals we wanted and I told her that I wanted a pet rat because they were so cool, and I had a pet mouse before. She seemed cool with that and even agreed with me in saying that they were cool. I told her not to tell A and N because they found rodents and certain other animals disgusting and the last time I'd mentioned something of the sort, they pushed me away. The next day I found out that S did in fact tell them and I was teased momentarily for it.
Another memory I have of them was at my Grade 5 camp. That was a horrible camping experience for me and I could not enjoy it very much despite my interest in history (the location was filled to the brim with stories, especially that of the infamous Ned Kelly) I spent some time crying and a lot of the time keeping to myself and feeling very ugly simply because they had called me fat at breakfast time. I only had toast and butter to eat and I was very picky with food at that time and so was hungry from dinner. They said they called me that in order to stop eating toast and butter because there were kids in another table watching me scarf food down. They didn't have to go and call me fat though, they could have just told me to stop because of the other kids.
I stayed home for three weeks being depressed because of that. Or it may have been something else that happened soon after. I do not remember.
The following year I made the decision to attend a different high school from them because I did not want to be near them anymore. Several things prompted this decision - I had a guy friend in Grade 3 who was pretty much a loner because he was chubby. I didn't want him to feel alone but eventually I was teased to the point of losing him as a friend and finding out he had moved to another school. I had few other friends and they grew away from me because of A and N and S. I had one I enjoyed being around but they would say mean things about her and to her and in order to stop them from doing so anymore I stopped being friends with her too. There was also another girl I was friends with who'd be pestered, taunted and bullied by others, including A, N and S. I felt sorry for her and am still friends with her now, but what they did to her made her cry and feel as if I had betrayed her, although I hadn't.
Moving onto graduation. I was so happy to have left Primary School behind me because it was not a very good time in my life. I looked forward to starting new, making new friends and not being friends with A, N and S. That blew up in my face towards the end of Year 7. I'd finally made a best friend, we'd have sleepovers fortnightly, have movie marathons, go everywhere and get hyper off sugar. We'd craft together and shop together as well. We were so close. The next year A and N had transferred high schools and moved into mine. They hung out with us in school, but my best friend at the time and them would have arguments because they were all stubborn and highly opinionated. One time it escalated to the point where I had to choose which one to hang out with and when. My then best friend and I grew apart.
My time with A and S in high school was pretty much the same as it was in high school only more bitchy. They were so picky over clothes and boys. Keep in mind I went to an all girl's school and they were very prudish. By this time I had some friends who were simply guys. I wasn't boy crazy then but I did mention wanting a boyfriend every once in a while because it was a bit lonely not having someone to cuddle when I was feeling down and someone to pour all my secrets out to. They were also very gossipy and judgmental. I couldn't dress the way I wanted to and wore what they deemed appropriate.
In Year 9 I became friends with another group of girls in my grade, named D and C in this case. We grew close and soon declared ourselves best friends. At the beginning of Year 10, D got a boyfriend for the first time and I instantly didn't like him. Later the previous year he was set up with me but I said no straight away because I know when to trust my instincts when meeting new people. He just seemed wrong and distrustful. I told D that I didn't like him and it caused some conflict between us. By this time I was also close with M who was living with C as a foster sibling. M was pushed away one time and I was the only one that stood by her and was her friend. C kicked her out of her house too. I told D that she had to choose between her boyfriend and me because he was too rude, a sexist, a racist and also very discriminatory (he used to call me a retard simply because I was hard of hearing). There was a guy I was interested in at the time, J, who was Indian and a very nice person, but D's boyfriend called him a currymuncher nonstop. D chose her boyfriend over me because she was lead to believe I had liked D and wanted him for myself but I detested him.
I ranted to A and N because I was feeling frustrated and it was right after the fight, so I was still smarting from the split. I said some things that shouldn't have been said but everyone says things they do not mean because they were angry. The next day I was away from school and by the end of the day I received a message from C telling me not to do the stuff I said. I instantly knew A and N had told them everything I said, even though they knew I wasn't the kind of person to stab people in the back and that I say a lot of things when I'm mad. In this case they said I was going to tell on D to her mother for having a boyfriend. I was scared of her mother so why would I even go up to her and say "Oh hay! Your daughter's got a boyfriend and he's a horny dick!" Yeah, right. Like I'd really do that. I reassured C that I would never do that and even said that I was disappointed that she did not know me very well if she believed I could stab people in the back like that. M turned her back on me, calling me a traitor and a liar and even said "I know where my loyalty lies" I was shocked and appalled. I supported her when C kicked her out of her house and even told her she could stay at mine for a while until she found another place to live. I did what I could do to make her happier and this was how she repaid me. Either way, I didn't talk to her after that, finding it pointless.
That was the last time I had any form of contact with A and N on friendly terms. Any forms of contact between us were civil and usually because we were paired together in class. I did not treat them badly or say anything to them at all. I pretty much ignored them the whole time because talking to them was not worth it.
A week or two after cutting off all ties with them, they had the nerve to get their mother to go up to mine and say "My darlings have been trying to apologise to your daughter but she is not talking to them and she won't forgive them." I was once more appalled, seeing as they had not made a move to say sorry or showed that they were sorry at all. It disgusted me to know that they could manipulate their own mother into believing that I was being a bitch to them. I spent the better part of the year in the library reading manga and novels. It was how I was introduced into the Japanese fandom (music and dramas and Arashi)
They called me a huge flirt because I was comfortable with guys and had some as friends. I never had a boyfriend before Year 11 aside from a short relationship in Year 7 that hardly lasted a few weeks. They said I was boy crazy and attention seeking but all I wanted was to be who I was and not be under scrutiny.
They left at the end of Year 11 after more than a year of me not speaking to them at all. They transferred to S's school. S added me on facebook then on msn and she was ok for a while. I knew A and N had transferred to her school so I wasn't stupid and knew they wanted to cause problems by trying to see if I would say something bad about them, even saying she had no idea the A n N had moved to her school let alone hers. I just said I had no idea and that I had not talked to them since 2008. I just remained indifferent. She gave up and left me to my own business.
Such a long history with them. Thinking back, I wonder why I was so weak, remaining by their side for so long knowing they were horrible friends. They had big mouths, were slippery and hurtful.
Now, I get bad dreams, dreams in which I'm back in high school and friends with them and knowing they were not my friends and I was just there because they forced me to. They were doing what they wanted and all I wanted was to break free and be happy, not trapped and miserable. The dreams would have different settings but the feelings were always the same, the context was always the same.
I've since then stopped having best friends, and have limited trust in people. I now only rely on first impressions with people because I'm usually right that way.
I have one thing to thank them for and that is for my love for Arashi. Without encountering Arashi back in 2008, my life would still be very bleak.