insight
so, drinking a bit calms me down, and helps me think more clearly. at least the hangover part does. UGH. i'm still digesting alcohol in my stomach ... and my last drink was about seven hours ago ...
staggering back to WPS from a failed attempt to vomit outside of the near failure of a cafeteria McAllie, i watched a girl in shorts barely covering her butt with shaved legs, petite, on her cell phone carrying her purse on her arm ... sparked an internal discussion about my transsexuality, which i'm now forgetting about as i try to record it ... the train of thought went something like:
there's nothing wrong with my body; in fact, i have it better than most men and most women. my frame is not terribly stocky and not terribly weak; i can pee standing up and don't have uterus problems. (my dad complained a few weeks ago about how difficult and silly it was to be treating women in Iraq with female problems as they lacked um ... he listed a few specific fields, like gynecologists, OBGYNs ... they basically weren't adequately prepared, like a soldier with a toothache who goes to a general surgeon but not a dentist. ... and so the female body is more complicated (apparently) and they have issues specific only to them, complicating issues, etc.) while i admire the female body for its gracefulness and slenderness, my own is a nice hybrid between the two; that is, i think it is very effeminate for a man. (i have been mistaken for a woman from behind, and from the corner of the eye... and over the phone, actually.)
so in spite of my longing to be female, there's nothing really wrong with what i've got now (sexual proclivities aside.) while a little of it may be a result of my physical ambiguity, most of it is a reaction to our culture. i hate how men are seen, are expected and seen to behave. ('seen' is an odd word.) and, already fitting more female gender roles, it seems to me the way our culture sees women is better. which is very weird, considering how women are the minority and the oppressed.
i suppose it's rather like looking into a lake; what i'm attributing to our culture is likely a reflection of my own mind. to summarize, -- or rather, brainstorm words that come to mind:
men: hairy, stocky, volatile, football-like jocks (honestly, what's the point of all these men working out at a gym to build muscle they don't need or use?), assholes
women: sleek, slender, beautiful, compassionate
a key problem, i suppose, is that what i admire i don't want "to have", i want to be. it seems the typical thing is "she's hot, i want her to be mine," so you ask for her number and hope she'll date you and then you can have her in a house one day. instead, i see it and say, "i wish i could be her," in a manner of speaking. this is the more natural reaction for me: i am not big into possessions, into ownership, and they work that reaction out of you from kindergarten onward: "look at this police officer, wouldn't it be great to be one one day? look at this scientist and all that he accomplished, wouldn't you like to grow up to be one one day?" you're not presented with a role model figure and told, "now go get it, lug it around with you and store it in a house."
and that leads to the stereotypically obvious problem that most Fundamentalists enjoy headlining... what good role models of "masculinity" have i had? really, i don't even know what the word means. what makes you a man? a penis? a woman can have surgery and get one of those, too. testicles? so what if they're defective, damaged or removed? (well, we've seen that: "God" for you Fundamentalists, "Israelites" for those who know how to read, told them they couldn't participate in any of the sacred duties, had to be separated from the congregation in certain occasions, etc. ... apparently yes, testicles determine how much of a man you are. so what are we doing measuring penis size ...?) being masculine has nothing to do with bravery, heroicism or military duty or athleticism (like they tell you in elementary school), because women are all those things if they want to be.
really, it seems that the only defining characteristic that makes a woman a woman is the ability to bear children, while the only defining characteristic that makes a man a man is the ability to fertilize them. everything else, EVERYTHING else, is apparently false. so when you tell someone to "be a man," to "embrace your masculinity" -- Jennifer invited me to that facebook group yet again today -- what the hell are you actually saying? go have sex?
and that's an entire can of worms in itself (figuratively speaking...)
blah. hangovers suck so hard. it would suck to live there.
i feel rather like a helium balloon let off its string. most men can be men because they accept these stereotypes of men, choosing to ignore the fact that they apply just as readily to women. why do you suppose only five percent of women's sports is in the media? because men don't like seeing women doing what they've been told they're supposed to be doing. it makes them feel like less of men. it works in reverse, too: why do you suppose only something like twenty percent of our military is female? because most women are more comfortable not facing the fact that they can readily do "men's jobs". (i believe there are only certain jobs women are not allowed to do, certain positions on the front line.) and men are more than happy to keep them in their designated places; that's why our draft only enlists men, why women are not required to register for it. DON'T ENCOURAGE THEM. (of course, as we've seen, when they're needed women can very readily do "men's jobs" in the factories as well.)
so, i am not disillusioned; rather, i am liberated. i do not have a tiny string of almost nothing tying me down, and i may turn in whichever way i wish. but i'm reaching the point where the gales are threatening to pop me: it is much safer on the ground.
perhaps you can see why teachers give me A's on essays. i'm great at writing this florid crap.
i am sick of double standards and hypocrisy. "why did you paint your nails?" well, why did you paint yours, woman? what a stupid question! what reason could i possibly have for blue nail polish that differs from anyone else's?
really, i tell you. people just don't think. this post was sparked from me watching a girl with long, shaved legs, walking down the road, talking on her cell phone. and i had my thoughts sorted out before i even reached the entrance to the building. many at MTSU barely know how to speak... i blame television.
staggering back to WPS from a failed attempt to vomit outside of the near failure of a cafeteria McAllie, i watched a girl in shorts barely covering her butt with shaved legs, petite, on her cell phone carrying her purse on her arm ... sparked an internal discussion about my transsexuality, which i'm now forgetting about as i try to record it ... the train of thought went something like:
there's nothing wrong with my body; in fact, i have it better than most men and most women. my frame is not terribly stocky and not terribly weak; i can pee standing up and don't have uterus problems. (my dad complained a few weeks ago about how difficult and silly it was to be treating women in Iraq with female problems as they lacked um ... he listed a few specific fields, like gynecologists, OBGYNs ... they basically weren't adequately prepared, like a soldier with a toothache who goes to a general surgeon but not a dentist. ... and so the female body is more complicated (apparently) and they have issues specific only to them, complicating issues, etc.) while i admire the female body for its gracefulness and slenderness, my own is a nice hybrid between the two; that is, i think it is very effeminate for a man. (i have been mistaken for a woman from behind, and from the corner of the eye... and over the phone, actually.)
so in spite of my longing to be female, there's nothing really wrong with what i've got now (sexual proclivities aside.) while a little of it may be a result of my physical ambiguity, most of it is a reaction to our culture. i hate how men are seen, are expected and seen to behave. ('seen' is an odd word.) and, already fitting more female gender roles, it seems to me the way our culture sees women is better. which is very weird, considering how women are the minority and the oppressed.
i suppose it's rather like looking into a lake; what i'm attributing to our culture is likely a reflection of my own mind. to summarize, -- or rather, brainstorm words that come to mind:
men: hairy, stocky, volatile, football-like jocks (honestly, what's the point of all these men working out at a gym to build muscle they don't need or use?), assholes
women: sleek, slender, beautiful, compassionate
a key problem, i suppose, is that what i admire i don't want "to have", i want to be. it seems the typical thing is "she's hot, i want her to be mine," so you ask for her number and hope she'll date you and then you can have her in a house one day. instead, i see it and say, "i wish i could be her," in a manner of speaking. this is the more natural reaction for me: i am not big into possessions, into ownership, and they work that reaction out of you from kindergarten onward: "look at this police officer, wouldn't it be great to be one one day? look at this scientist and all that he accomplished, wouldn't you like to grow up to be one one day?" you're not presented with a role model figure and told, "now go get it, lug it around with you and store it in a house."
and that leads to the stereotypically obvious problem that most Fundamentalists enjoy headlining... what good role models of "masculinity" have i had? really, i don't even know what the word means. what makes you a man? a penis? a woman can have surgery and get one of those, too. testicles? so what if they're defective, damaged or removed? (well, we've seen that: "God" for you Fundamentalists, "Israelites" for those who know how to read, told them they couldn't participate in any of the sacred duties, had to be separated from the congregation in certain occasions, etc. ... apparently yes, testicles determine how much of a man you are. so what are we doing measuring penis size ...?) being masculine has nothing to do with bravery, heroicism or military duty or athleticism (like they tell you in elementary school), because women are all those things if they want to be.
really, it seems that the only defining characteristic that makes a woman a woman is the ability to bear children, while the only defining characteristic that makes a man a man is the ability to fertilize them. everything else, EVERYTHING else, is apparently false. so when you tell someone to "be a man," to "embrace your masculinity" -- Jennifer invited me to that facebook group yet again today -- what the hell are you actually saying? go have sex?
and that's an entire can of worms in itself (figuratively speaking...)
blah. hangovers suck so hard. it would suck to live there.
i feel rather like a helium balloon let off its string. most men can be men because they accept these stereotypes of men, choosing to ignore the fact that they apply just as readily to women. why do you suppose only five percent of women's sports is in the media? because men don't like seeing women doing what they've been told they're supposed to be doing. it makes them feel like less of men. it works in reverse, too: why do you suppose only something like twenty percent of our military is female? because most women are more comfortable not facing the fact that they can readily do "men's jobs". (i believe there are only certain jobs women are not allowed to do, certain positions on the front line.) and men are more than happy to keep them in their designated places; that's why our draft only enlists men, why women are not required to register for it. DON'T ENCOURAGE THEM. (of course, as we've seen, when they're needed women can very readily do "men's jobs" in the factories as well.)
so, i am not disillusioned; rather, i am liberated. i do not have a tiny string of almost nothing tying me down, and i may turn in whichever way i wish. but i'm reaching the point where the gales are threatening to pop me: it is much safer on the ground.
perhaps you can see why teachers give me A's on essays. i'm great at writing this florid crap.
i am sick of double standards and hypocrisy. "why did you paint your nails?" well, why did you paint yours, woman? what a stupid question! what reason could i possibly have for blue nail polish that differs from anyone else's?
really, i tell you. people just don't think. this post was sparked from me watching a girl with long, shaved legs, walking down the road, talking on her cell phone. and i had my thoughts sorted out before i even reached the entrance to the building. many at MTSU barely know how to speak... i blame television.