(no subject)
20/12/06
…and in answer to my colleague’s kind question; No, I am not ‘full of Christmas cheer’. My feet are numb, there appears to be a layer of frost gathering underneath my eyes, and my knuckles are blue. Why is winter so utterly rubbish?
I propose we take a leaf from the migrating bird’s book, and literally fly somewhere else when home becomes this cold. I know it’s somewhat unpractical (you know, environmentally, economically…blahdeblah), but presumably the people who were slightly better off could manage it, and who really cares about poor people anyway? They’ll sell the ‘Big Issue’ come rain or shine…yet who they would actually sell it to exactly would remain to be seen.
I would also like to propose that the band ‘Wizzard’, are thoughtless fools. ‘I wish it could be Christmas every day?’ Have they even considered the horrendous implications of such an ordeal? Well, I have little else to do with my day, so I took the liberty of doing it for them:
1. It would be freezing cold, every live long day.
2. The Turkey would eventually become extinct (not before Bernard Matthews monopolised the world economy), and people would be hideously malnourished. ‘Quality Street’ and pork pie do not constitute nutrition - people would be screaming on the floor, scraping at the shutters of the closed supermarket, pleading for indigestion tablets, fruit and vegetables. It would look like judgement day. Only with party hats.
3. Electricity supplies would gradually fade out and die, thanks to everybody’s, frankly baffling, and continuous desire to have a flashing reindeer on their porch roof. Also, electricity bills will sky rocket, leaving people with very little money for ‘Rennie’ and vitamin C. Obviously oil stocks will also run out very fast, with plastic being used in phenomenal quantities for Taiwanese cracker toys, and the manufacturing of tinsel, leaving the earth sapped of power, and life would essentially plunge into the next ice age.
4. Until power completely runs out we will eternally be punished for living, with films such as ‘Home Alone III’ and ‘Santa Claus: The Movie’ continually raping our senses, forever underneath the guise of ‘family entertainment’.
5. Not that any of the above would matter, because by that time, pretty much all of the worlds trees would have been cut down and used for the production of gift wrapping and the decoration of people’s festive houses. As a direct result, the population would be left without oxygen, and we will most likely suffocate on our own breath, cursing wildly and silently at the Christmas cards on the mantelpiece.
6. For those that are unlucky enough to still be alive, hospitals would be the busiest places on earth, with wards specialising in stomach pumps, Christmas cracker injuries and fake snow allergies. Presumably nursing staff would continually wear Santa hats also, so that would clearly mess with the heads of the patients on the mental health ward, which would, of course, be full - primarily with people humming the ‘Only Fools and Horses’ theme and rocking back and forth.
7. Your Nan would ALWAYS be in your living room.
So, on that bombshell - no ‘Wizzard’, I do NOT wish it was Christmas every day, once a year, at most, is absolutely fine with me. I do not wish to live in the worldwide equivalent of a nuclear winter, where the living pray for death and the dead are covered in fairy lights.
x
Mood: Prophetic.
Music: Glassjaw - Two Tabs of Mescaline.
…and in answer to my colleague’s kind question; No, I am not ‘full of Christmas cheer’. My feet are numb, there appears to be a layer of frost gathering underneath my eyes, and my knuckles are blue. Why is winter so utterly rubbish?
I propose we take a leaf from the migrating bird’s book, and literally fly somewhere else when home becomes this cold. I know it’s somewhat unpractical (you know, environmentally, economically…blahdeblah), but presumably the people who were slightly better off could manage it, and who really cares about poor people anyway? They’ll sell the ‘Big Issue’ come rain or shine…yet who they would actually sell it to exactly would remain to be seen.
I would also like to propose that the band ‘Wizzard’, are thoughtless fools. ‘I wish it could be Christmas every day?’ Have they even considered the horrendous implications of such an ordeal? Well, I have little else to do with my day, so I took the liberty of doing it for them:
1. It would be freezing cold, every live long day.
2. The Turkey would eventually become extinct (not before Bernard Matthews monopolised the world economy), and people would be hideously malnourished. ‘Quality Street’ and pork pie do not constitute nutrition - people would be screaming on the floor, scraping at the shutters of the closed supermarket, pleading for indigestion tablets, fruit and vegetables. It would look like judgement day. Only with party hats.
3. Electricity supplies would gradually fade out and die, thanks to everybody’s, frankly baffling, and continuous desire to have a flashing reindeer on their porch roof. Also, electricity bills will sky rocket, leaving people with very little money for ‘Rennie’ and vitamin C. Obviously oil stocks will also run out very fast, with plastic being used in phenomenal quantities for Taiwanese cracker toys, and the manufacturing of tinsel, leaving the earth sapped of power, and life would essentially plunge into the next ice age.
4. Until power completely runs out we will eternally be punished for living, with films such as ‘Home Alone III’ and ‘Santa Claus: The Movie’ continually raping our senses, forever underneath the guise of ‘family entertainment’.
5. Not that any of the above would matter, because by that time, pretty much all of the worlds trees would have been cut down and used for the production of gift wrapping and the decoration of people’s festive houses. As a direct result, the population would be left without oxygen, and we will most likely suffocate on our own breath, cursing wildly and silently at the Christmas cards on the mantelpiece.
6. For those that are unlucky enough to still be alive, hospitals would be the busiest places on earth, with wards specialising in stomach pumps, Christmas cracker injuries and fake snow allergies. Presumably nursing staff would continually wear Santa hats also, so that would clearly mess with the heads of the patients on the mental health ward, which would, of course, be full - primarily with people humming the ‘Only Fools and Horses’ theme and rocking back and forth.
7. Your Nan would ALWAYS be in your living room.
So, on that bombshell - no ‘Wizzard’, I do NOT wish it was Christmas every day, once a year, at most, is absolutely fine with me. I do not wish to live in the worldwide equivalent of a nuclear winter, where the living pray for death and the dead are covered in fairy lights.
x
Mood: Prophetic.
Music: Glassjaw - Two Tabs of Mescaline.