Oh shit oh shit we're all going to die
I'm having a crisis. No, Jason, it is not a crisis of faith. It's more like an existential crisis. A hypothetical crisis? I don't even know. I do know that I am on the border of freaking out and panicking over a hypothetical situation and I need to not think about it because it's only going to cause me freak out more and start sobbing.
I am seriously like five minutes away from hopping in my car, and showing up at your apartment Jason. In my pjs. Possibly barefoot. I cannot think. I'm panicking.
This is what I'm going to do: I'm going to work on my project and listen to music and try to calm the fuck down. I don't care if I'm up until 6 AM, I am not going to freak out. If I try to go to bed, all I'm going to do is lie there and cry and panic and doom-say. I know that I am being irrational and freaking out and I need to stop myself from doing this. Yes.
Now if only this lump in my throat would go away and my hands would stop shaking.
EDIT: Feeling less doom-saying-y. Have written three paragraphs of utter drivel, but whatevs. I will edit it later and make it sound like I'm not schizophrenic and writing bizarre stream of consciousness.
Actual excerpt:
This falls slightly before the re-conservativing of the Reform movement by eastern European immigrants, and particularly their children, but if you’ve got enough money to build a mausoleum in a Jewish cemetery, chances are that you’ve donated enough to the congregation that they’re going to look the other way and not care. That’s what happens when you have more money than God.
See? Total drivel. Don't care. Still slightly freaking out. Can edit later. Godbless the computer.
I need to stop chewing on my headphone cords.
I want a cigarette. I don't even fucking smoke. The last time I had a cigarette was over a year ago. What the everloving fuck.
AGHR my heart's doing that racy thing again. I'm starting to freak more. Back to drivelling.
EDITTHESECOND: Why haven't I looked at the gravemarkers that DON'T have symbols? Why? Epiphany, much? I have like every BRMC song ever, do not get in my epiphanistic way.
EDITTHETHIRD: MMMM, BRMC, you hit the right buttons. Am much calmer. It's amazing what working with Excel for a half hour will do. My mind's starting to wander to that wacky Carnivale thing in my brain. Tigers, bitches. Tigers and snake people and people that turn into cats that happen to be tigers and AirStream trailers that are totally going to be painted. Checkerboard or whatever. It all makes sense in my head, and it's being scrawled out while I'm half awake onto legal pads.
Things I do to get my brain to shut off:
Count in French.
Do those '24' math cards.
Do those '24' math cards in French.
Do crosswords.
I'm like totally zen right now. Much calmer. Much..... maybe I'll start working out again tomorrow. Mmmmhmmm feeling ambitious.
Okay. Teeth brushing and face washing and sleep now. Or at least lay in bed, scratch out more Carnivale-y bits and then count in French and sleep.
I am seriously like five minutes away from hopping in my car, and showing up at your apartment Jason. In my pjs. Possibly barefoot. I cannot think. I'm panicking.
This is what I'm going to do: I'm going to work on my project and listen to music and try to calm the fuck down. I don't care if I'm up until 6 AM, I am not going to freak out. If I try to go to bed, all I'm going to do is lie there and cry and panic and doom-say. I know that I am being irrational and freaking out and I need to stop myself from doing this. Yes.
Now if only this lump in my throat would go away and my hands would stop shaking.
EDIT: Feeling less doom-saying-y. Have written three paragraphs of utter drivel, but whatevs. I will edit it later and make it sound like I'm not schizophrenic and writing bizarre stream of consciousness.
Actual excerpt:
This falls slightly before the re-conservativing of the Reform movement by eastern European immigrants, and particularly their children, but if you’ve got enough money to build a mausoleum in a Jewish cemetery, chances are that you’ve donated enough to the congregation that they’re going to look the other way and not care. That’s what happens when you have more money than God.
See? Total drivel. Don't care. Still slightly freaking out. Can edit later. Godbless the computer.
I need to stop chewing on my headphone cords.
I want a cigarette. I don't even fucking smoke. The last time I had a cigarette was over a year ago. What the everloving fuck.
AGHR my heart's doing that racy thing again. I'm starting to freak more. Back to drivelling.
EDITTHESECOND: Why haven't I looked at the gravemarkers that DON'T have symbols? Why? Epiphany, much? I have like every BRMC song ever, do not get in my epiphanistic way.
EDITTHETHIRD: MMMM, BRMC, you hit the right buttons. Am much calmer. It's amazing what working with Excel for a half hour will do. My mind's starting to wander to that wacky Carnivale thing in my brain. Tigers, bitches. Tigers and snake people and people that turn into cats that happen to be tigers and AirStream trailers that are totally going to be painted. Checkerboard or whatever. It all makes sense in my head, and it's being scrawled out while I'm half awake onto legal pads.
Things I do to get my brain to shut off:
Count in French.
Do those '24' math cards.
Do those '24' math cards in French.
Do crosswords.
I'm like totally zen right now. Much calmer. Much..... maybe I'll start working out again tomorrow. Mmmmhmmm feeling ambitious.
Okay. Teeth brushing and face washing and sleep now. Or at least lay in bed, scratch out more Carnivale-y bits and then count in French and sleep.