unleash the horde
i havent made an entry in a while. im not dead yet. my mood goes from bad to worse and then i go numb every so often. i never know what to expect next. i do know that whatever im looking for im not getting from anyone living. i fucking hate christmas.
lately i feel like shit. i hate everything about my life, and i dont want to wake up tomorrow. i hate the way i act, the way i look, and even my voice irritates me. i dont feel very valuable tonight. nor have i in many nights. i dont much like this stupid fucking every day shit hole of living.
christmas can eat a bag of dicks. not believing in god makes it difficult for me to participate in most holidays. since most of them are pretty well based on the celebration of faith and/or belief in god. the other two aspects of christmas (and most other holidays) that i know of are commercial and family. i hate buying/selling and most things related to it. i especially hate money. and i hate my fucking family. oh how i hate them.
my mother is still in jail. my uncle went back in, got out, and is going back in again it seems. its a never ending cycle. i went to court. my brother is now wanted. and my whole family thinks i did the wrong thing. fuck them. they are all hell bent on destroying me. so i wage war on them. i dont need them. and the further away from them i go, the better i feel. my brother is looking at about a year in jail for this current shit. well fuck him too. i hope he fucking dies.
i feel like a piece of shit. i havent done anything in weeks. tonight i dont want to do anything. people all around me, people who are supposed to mean everything to me, mean nothing to me right now. i hate it when i get like this. the world could be swallowed in flames right now and i would smile at it. my closest friends could melt in molten fire, and i wouldnt flinch at their screaming. the entire human race and all of its stupid fucking splendor could fucking die tonight... and i wouldnt care. i could die tonight.
i cant remember the last time i had a pleasant thought. i know it must have been not so long ago. i know that ive enjoyed some of my days. i know that i have smiled. i know that i have laughed. but i dont remember when. not right now anyway.
this is all so fuckin stupid. im so lonely i could carve my fuckin eyes out and let the blood stream down my face until i faded into unconsciousness. isnt that attractive... i know thats exactly what people are looking for. "hello, im an unattractive, unsuccessful, broke-ass-poor, stupid little nothing of a man. i cant sing, im physically inept, and i pretty much just sit around and think about how to die most days. will you be my friend?" believe me, i dont expect anyone to want to be around me.
i need distractions. i need things to take my mind off of this shit. life was better when... shit, i dont remember. im not so sure life was ever really all that better.
i dont care anymore. i dont feel anymore. or i just feel like shit. ive lost my compassion and passion. i feel like a corpse. i look like a dirtbag. and i really want to give up on it all.
i really dont know why the fuck im even making entries on this thing. i guess i started it off for the same reason i do a lot of things. hope. for what, i have no fucking idea. i fuckin hate hope. it hasnt done much for me. fuck hope. and fuck you too. whoever you are. i guess i expected someone to respond to one of these pitiful and worthless entries with some profound statement. but every day i wake up the more i realize, people are not profound. they are meaningless little meatbags, and not very interesting for the most part. i guess i expected someone to sympathize with me, and that it would make me feel better. i guess i just wanted to hear someone say "things will get better" and believe them. but i dont believe them. im fucking bitter. im pissed off at the hand i got. i guess i expected someone to read this and respond, feeling an overwhelming desire to help me. to make me happy. to do whatever they could so that my life would stop killing me. but thats just fuckin stupid. or maybe i thought i would make some kind of connection on here. as if that were possible.
but nobody will respond with anything that hasnt already been said. nobody will fill the void or whatever it is, that sucking chest wound where my heart used to be, that pain like no other pain in the world that everyone feels but no one can relate to. i fucking hate feeling like this. and i fucking hate describing it. i hate explaining it. or trying to explain it. no matter what i say it all sounds like garbage. like some half-witted nonsense about how sad and pathetic my life is. and how everyone should drop what they are doing and feel sorry for me all at once.
i dont expect a response to this.
i want a response to this.
im fucking tired. what comes next. i suppose i go to sleep, wake up, hate life, repeat. i dont want to eat anymore. i dont want to laugh anymore. and i certainly dont want to search online for a fucking house to live in. its not that i cant do these things. its that i dont want to. whats the use if im still going to be miserable.
i need a distraction. if not another person, then someone else. maybe i should start playing video games again. maybe i should join a cult. maybe i should register to vote. maybe i should lock myself in my room and obsess over firearms again. maybe i should go to sleep and never wake up.
this is long, and i cant even remember what i was writing about when i started. but i miss the warmth of another persons body next to mine. when i try to remember it, i suddenly feel as though im at the bottom of some dry well. reaching light is hopeless. im hopeless. i should shave my head with a wood chipper. i should. when i try to remember the last time i felt safe, felt calm and relaxed, next to another person, i get lost. i know the feeling well, so i know ive been there. but i cant find it. i cant remember it. my memory is failing me. its falling to pieces.
i know you dont care. whoever you are. i know you might read this and think of me for no more than an instant. or that may be too hopeful. probably i wont occupy any space in anyones heart or mind. and any love someone has to offer means nothing unless i feel it. i know whoever reads this wont care after a blink of the eye. and i know i could never tell anyone anything ive written here to their face.
i could easily hold someone close to me, but i could just as easily slide a blade into their throat. i could just as easily slide a blade into my own throat.
why doesnt anyone care about me? and dont tell me otherwise. either no one cares, or im broken and cant recieve the given emotions. or chemicals. or whatever it is i need.
am i just a lazy fuck? am i just a worthless shit? what have i done? what will i do? im nothing. equal to a lie. im an empty promise. im a dissapointment. im a fucking wound. i wish i would just go away.
i dont know why i make these entries. its been a long time since i made the last one. and i havent changed much since. im just more compounded. i miss physical contact terribly. and i am desperately lonely. i need to feel secure for a change. i fuckin hate that things have gone on this long the way they have. im sorry to everyone who ive ever damaged. im so sorry to anyone i have let down.
all of this is stupid. im sorry i ever even wrote this down. its christmas morning now i guess. and god is nowhere to be found. family means very little now. and even though i watch the sun come up, i know nothing has changed. and nothing probably ever will.
im so fuckin lonely. i long for the misery of companionship. i wish for fights and conflicts, for angry days and for jealous ones. i would give anything to cry because of something someone said. i want so much to miss someone more than a breath. i want my life to be part of someone elses daily thoughts. and i want someone else to care every day about what i want and need. i would take every bit of pain and misery and tears just to be in love again.
none of this has helped.
lately i feel like shit. i hate everything about my life, and i dont want to wake up tomorrow. i hate the way i act, the way i look, and even my voice irritates me. i dont feel very valuable tonight. nor have i in many nights. i dont much like this stupid fucking every day shit hole of living.
christmas can eat a bag of dicks. not believing in god makes it difficult for me to participate in most holidays. since most of them are pretty well based on the celebration of faith and/or belief in god. the other two aspects of christmas (and most other holidays) that i know of are commercial and family. i hate buying/selling and most things related to it. i especially hate money. and i hate my fucking family. oh how i hate them.
my mother is still in jail. my uncle went back in, got out, and is going back in again it seems. its a never ending cycle. i went to court. my brother is now wanted. and my whole family thinks i did the wrong thing. fuck them. they are all hell bent on destroying me. so i wage war on them. i dont need them. and the further away from them i go, the better i feel. my brother is looking at about a year in jail for this current shit. well fuck him too. i hope he fucking dies.
i feel like a piece of shit. i havent done anything in weeks. tonight i dont want to do anything. people all around me, people who are supposed to mean everything to me, mean nothing to me right now. i hate it when i get like this. the world could be swallowed in flames right now and i would smile at it. my closest friends could melt in molten fire, and i wouldnt flinch at their screaming. the entire human race and all of its stupid fucking splendor could fucking die tonight... and i wouldnt care. i could die tonight.
i cant remember the last time i had a pleasant thought. i know it must have been not so long ago. i know that ive enjoyed some of my days. i know that i have smiled. i know that i have laughed. but i dont remember when. not right now anyway.
this is all so fuckin stupid. im so lonely i could carve my fuckin eyes out and let the blood stream down my face until i faded into unconsciousness. isnt that attractive... i know thats exactly what people are looking for. "hello, im an unattractive, unsuccessful, broke-ass-poor, stupid little nothing of a man. i cant sing, im physically inept, and i pretty much just sit around and think about how to die most days. will you be my friend?" believe me, i dont expect anyone to want to be around me.
i need distractions. i need things to take my mind off of this shit. life was better when... shit, i dont remember. im not so sure life was ever really all that better.
i dont care anymore. i dont feel anymore. or i just feel like shit. ive lost my compassion and passion. i feel like a corpse. i look like a dirtbag. and i really want to give up on it all.
i really dont know why the fuck im even making entries on this thing. i guess i started it off for the same reason i do a lot of things. hope. for what, i have no fucking idea. i fuckin hate hope. it hasnt done much for me. fuck hope. and fuck you too. whoever you are. i guess i expected someone to respond to one of these pitiful and worthless entries with some profound statement. but every day i wake up the more i realize, people are not profound. they are meaningless little meatbags, and not very interesting for the most part. i guess i expected someone to sympathize with me, and that it would make me feel better. i guess i just wanted to hear someone say "things will get better" and believe them. but i dont believe them. im fucking bitter. im pissed off at the hand i got. i guess i expected someone to read this and respond, feeling an overwhelming desire to help me. to make me happy. to do whatever they could so that my life would stop killing me. but thats just fuckin stupid. or maybe i thought i would make some kind of connection on here. as if that were possible.
but nobody will respond with anything that hasnt already been said. nobody will fill the void or whatever it is, that sucking chest wound where my heart used to be, that pain like no other pain in the world that everyone feels but no one can relate to. i fucking hate feeling like this. and i fucking hate describing it. i hate explaining it. or trying to explain it. no matter what i say it all sounds like garbage. like some half-witted nonsense about how sad and pathetic my life is. and how everyone should drop what they are doing and feel sorry for me all at once.
i dont expect a response to this.
i want a response to this.
im fucking tired. what comes next. i suppose i go to sleep, wake up, hate life, repeat. i dont want to eat anymore. i dont want to laugh anymore. and i certainly dont want to search online for a fucking house to live in. its not that i cant do these things. its that i dont want to. whats the use if im still going to be miserable.
i need a distraction. if not another person, then someone else. maybe i should start playing video games again. maybe i should join a cult. maybe i should register to vote. maybe i should lock myself in my room and obsess over firearms again. maybe i should go to sleep and never wake up.
this is long, and i cant even remember what i was writing about when i started. but i miss the warmth of another persons body next to mine. when i try to remember it, i suddenly feel as though im at the bottom of some dry well. reaching light is hopeless. im hopeless. i should shave my head with a wood chipper. i should. when i try to remember the last time i felt safe, felt calm and relaxed, next to another person, i get lost. i know the feeling well, so i know ive been there. but i cant find it. i cant remember it. my memory is failing me. its falling to pieces.
i know you dont care. whoever you are. i know you might read this and think of me for no more than an instant. or that may be too hopeful. probably i wont occupy any space in anyones heart or mind. and any love someone has to offer means nothing unless i feel it. i know whoever reads this wont care after a blink of the eye. and i know i could never tell anyone anything ive written here to their face.
i could easily hold someone close to me, but i could just as easily slide a blade into their throat. i could just as easily slide a blade into my own throat.
why doesnt anyone care about me? and dont tell me otherwise. either no one cares, or im broken and cant recieve the given emotions. or chemicals. or whatever it is i need.
am i just a lazy fuck? am i just a worthless shit? what have i done? what will i do? im nothing. equal to a lie. im an empty promise. im a dissapointment. im a fucking wound. i wish i would just go away.
i dont know why i make these entries. its been a long time since i made the last one. and i havent changed much since. im just more compounded. i miss physical contact terribly. and i am desperately lonely. i need to feel secure for a change. i fuckin hate that things have gone on this long the way they have. im sorry to everyone who ive ever damaged. im so sorry to anyone i have let down.
all of this is stupid. im sorry i ever even wrote this down. its christmas morning now i guess. and god is nowhere to be found. family means very little now. and even though i watch the sun come up, i know nothing has changed. and nothing probably ever will.
im so fuckin lonely. i long for the misery of companionship. i wish for fights and conflicts, for angry days and for jealous ones. i would give anything to cry because of something someone said. i want so much to miss someone more than a breath. i want my life to be part of someone elses daily thoughts. and i want someone else to care every day about what i want and need. i would take every bit of pain and misery and tears just to be in love again.
none of this has helped.