Confessions & Closure
Over the many years that I have been out, I have made many mistakes - all which I learned from. I was a best friend to some, a bitch to others. I admit, I was a snob back in the day. But since then, life has seemed to tame me quite a bit. To those of you who I hurt in the past, I am sorry. I really am. Life is too short to have enemies.
I must also admit that when I moved to Austin at the end of April 2005, I lost contact with most of my friends, this was on purpose. Many of you held onto a former Tommy that I wanted to die. Some of you knew the real me, and those that did are still in my life, others simply knew TK and that fact I didn't like. While I am confessing, here goes some more:
I did move to Omaha to runaway. "TK" was tearing me apart physically and emotionally. I knew that I would never be anything in life if I was still living as "TK". Omaha provided me a chance to breakaway from all the rumors, lies, and deceit. It was there that I learned to be Tommy and move on with life. If my car didn't break down when I was in Killeen visiting from Omaha, I probably would of stayed in Omaha or moved to wherever my roomie Aaron wanted to go next. Next to Brian, he truly is the best friend I have ever had.
So in Killeen I was forced to live. Instantly, TK came back out. It is partially my fault and those who just loved TK were to blame too, but I mainly blame myself. I had truly changed but being back in that environment I only saw TK as the way to be. Then I met Josh.
For over a year you have read how wonderful this person Josh was and how happy we were together. You read about our first dates, our vacations, and our engagements. On our 1 year, 1 month, 1 week, and 11 day anniversary, exactly 1 month ago today, Josh and I seperated. Although I have dated a lot over the years, this was the first long term relationship I have ever been in (so far - Inside joke with Josh, sorry). Even though it has been a month, its hard to not have him in my life as my partner. He still lives across the street and I still see him out every once in a while, we still talk on the phone, but it is hard - for both of us. It is truly amazing to be so in love with someone that you have to let them go sooner than you thought.
I have no desire to be with anyone right now. Physcially, mentally, or sexually. A vast part of my heart still wants Josh, and I know we will never be together again, but those are big shoes to fill. I don't want to fall for someone else just to have them leave again. I know that is part of dating but right now, its not for me. Maybe someday I will be "over" him but I doubt you ever forget your first true love. Its kinda funny to say that. I've said "I Love You" in the past to others but never understood the full meaning until October 3, 2004, the day that Josh entered my life as my "other half". So to you, Mr. K - Thank you for the memories, the fun, the laughter, the tears. Here's to you, my friend.
In closing, in 10 days I will say goodbye to a roomie that although I didn't see much the first 5 months of living together (because I was ALWAYS at Josh's) but for the past month has truly been my rock. When Josh left, it was you who offered a shoulder to cry on. Never saying "He is stupid","You can do better", or any of those words that people usually say. You allowed me to be angry, to grieve, to cry, and to be frustrated. I am sorry that I wasn't around for most of our lease. I am very happy that 2 nights ago we went to see Rent, the only thing we really did as roomies. After all these years, I finally saw my favorite show. As I cried, who was there for me? You! Thank you, Thomas.
I hope you find what you need in Rockport. Finish your studies, get your certifications, and come back to Austin. If I am still here, look me up. If not, find me! I am sure we will not loose contact when you leave. We were LD friends before you moved here and I am sure we will be LD friends after you leave. Take care of yourself and remember that YOUR happiness is the most important thing!
All my love and Admiration -
Tommy
I must also admit that when I moved to Austin at the end of April 2005, I lost contact with most of my friends, this was on purpose. Many of you held onto a former Tommy that I wanted to die. Some of you knew the real me, and those that did are still in my life, others simply knew TK and that fact I didn't like. While I am confessing, here goes some more:
I did move to Omaha to runaway. "TK" was tearing me apart physically and emotionally. I knew that I would never be anything in life if I was still living as "TK". Omaha provided me a chance to breakaway from all the rumors, lies, and deceit. It was there that I learned to be Tommy and move on with life. If my car didn't break down when I was in Killeen visiting from Omaha, I probably would of stayed in Omaha or moved to wherever my roomie Aaron wanted to go next. Next to Brian, he truly is the best friend I have ever had.
So in Killeen I was forced to live. Instantly, TK came back out. It is partially my fault and those who just loved TK were to blame too, but I mainly blame myself. I had truly changed but being back in that environment I only saw TK as the way to be. Then I met Josh.
For over a year you have read how wonderful this person Josh was and how happy we were together. You read about our first dates, our vacations, and our engagements. On our 1 year, 1 month, 1 week, and 11 day anniversary, exactly 1 month ago today, Josh and I seperated. Although I have dated a lot over the years, this was the first long term relationship I have ever been in (so far - Inside joke with Josh, sorry). Even though it has been a month, its hard to not have him in my life as my partner. He still lives across the street and I still see him out every once in a while, we still talk on the phone, but it is hard - for both of us. It is truly amazing to be so in love with someone that you have to let them go sooner than you thought.
I have no desire to be with anyone right now. Physcially, mentally, or sexually. A vast part of my heart still wants Josh, and I know we will never be together again, but those are big shoes to fill. I don't want to fall for someone else just to have them leave again. I know that is part of dating but right now, its not for me. Maybe someday I will be "over" him but I doubt you ever forget your first true love. Its kinda funny to say that. I've said "I Love You" in the past to others but never understood the full meaning until October 3, 2004, the day that Josh entered my life as my "other half". So to you, Mr. K - Thank you for the memories, the fun, the laughter, the tears. Here's to you, my friend.
In closing, in 10 days I will say goodbye to a roomie that although I didn't see much the first 5 months of living together (because I was ALWAYS at Josh's) but for the past month has truly been my rock. When Josh left, it was you who offered a shoulder to cry on. Never saying "He is stupid","You can do better", or any of those words that people usually say. You allowed me to be angry, to grieve, to cry, and to be frustrated. I am sorry that I wasn't around for most of our lease. I am very happy that 2 nights ago we went to see Rent, the only thing we really did as roomies. After all these years, I finally saw my favorite show. As I cried, who was there for me? You! Thank you, Thomas.
I hope you find what you need in Rockport. Finish your studies, get your certifications, and come back to Austin. If I am still here, look me up. If not, find me! I am sure we will not loose contact when you leave. We were LD friends before you moved here and I am sure we will be LD friends after you leave. Take care of yourself and remember that YOUR happiness is the most important thing!
All my love and Admiration -
Tommy