I hate my-self for my-self

[neverseen4cast]

I haven't posted in a while. I've been really depressed lately. I don't really know a way to deal with it. I try to hide it most the time, but all i can ever think of is Dustin. Like the other day i was driving and i look over and theres this black Maxima beside me. It was the same year as Dustins. And i just started crying on my way to work. Then I constantly drive by his house on hubbards lane and i just cant handle it any more. And this past weekend we went to scott's birthday party/ going away party for Dustin. And we we're listening to this compalation of songs that dustin loved and thats all i could think about. Then everybody else started drinking. I'm not a big drinker and I actully made a promise to a good friend that i would stop drinking and i havent for a while. But as im sitting there watching everybody else have a good time laughing and wrestling and what not i just got worse and then i broke and i started drinking and drinking led to more drinking and i started feeling better in my head because i was loosing so many brain cells i couldn't feel the pain that was still in my heart. And by this time i was sitting next to this girl hannah on the couch talking to her and she has liked me for a while. I've thought she was hot since last year but ive always had my eye on one other person and truly until i find someone better than that person i don't want a relationship. But for some reason which i know is because i was drinking but any way i leaned over and we started making out. I feel sooooo bad! I don't know how to feel any more. I don't know what to do. I'm so messed up i cant even eat. I havent eaten in two days. I'm starting to get sick. I feel like some type of slut because shit like this always happens to me. Most guys are like yeah im a pimp or whatever but i hate that. I hate my-self right now. I'm no fun. I'm to depressed to go out and do anything and when i do go out i end up kissing some girl that no offense but i dont really know. And personally thats not my style. Im so upset. I just want to cry. But i dont like to cry by myself and i have no one to cry with. Why did he have to do it? If there is a god which i know some of you do believe in thats the answer i want to know....WHY? Where is god now? Huh, where is he now when i need him the most?

P.S.: Always look for the GTR in the sky. And in doing so remember. R.I.P.