As I Sit Here At The Crossroads Of My Life, I Make The Choice
She left me once again. This time it's for good. Crystal ended things with me out of the blue tuesday night. I, naturally, became very ill and very upset. I fell into my own abyss of loathing and despair. I popped pill after pill and drank 3/4 of a bottle of nyquil. I totalled around 10-12 pills after it was all said and done. Then, I did the unthinkable once again. Although, this time not so bad but it still happened again. It was only 6 cuts, but it still happened. I broke 2 of mine and crystal's picture frames and I wiped off all the things she wrote on my mirrors. At the time, I was so furious that I didn't even believe that she loved me. All I could see was red. I wanted to die that night. Crystal came over and talked to me. It helped a little but then seeing her leave just reinforced the fact that she'll never belong to me ever again. She even told me that. My feelings and emotions were and still are absolutely destroyed. I feel so dumb. I'm absolutely crushed right now. However, another problem arose. Apparently, I was showing signs of a split personality. Crystal told me that I would be talking to her all sweet one second and then just start to tear her apart the next. She said she looked into my eyes and saw nothing, emptiness. I did feel I wasn't in control at times, which isn't the first time. When I get mad like that I just lose all control. I know it scared her and it scares me. My life and love have once again left, this time for good.
So, what am I to do now? I mean, there's no desire for me to be with anyone right now due to the fact that I'm such a mess because of what she did and what is going on in my head. I blame her for me being so upset but as far as the cuts and pill addiction go, it's my fault. I just wish I was the one you wanted. I have tried to give you my all since we started to talk again and work this relationship out. I would have done anything for you, but I guess it's just not what you want. That's fine. I'll leave this place one way or another come february. My life depends on it.
I honestly did not see this coming. I felt it was happening but I was hoping that it was just a feeling and not reality. Now, I'm back to being this lonely, pathetic individual who has nothing but time and the arts. I don't care if I never date another girl the rest of my life just as long as I don't get hurt like I just did. This summer and fall have been the worst and most bittersweet times of my life. I've never had such a hard time with anything before. I had a complete personality makeover and then in one night I fall apart. I can't sleep anymore. I slept maybe and hour or two last night.
I would like to thank Wayne for taking me to Pensecola with him last night. However, as fun as it was it sucked having to watch him and Heather be together. I drank nearly 10 beers, 2 long island iced teas, and an ammaretto sour. I was really really hammered. I just don't know what to do anymore. I talked to my parents, who are officially worried about me. It's good to know that they care. I will be seeking help from the therapists at work, which is something I've been doing but for different reasons. I want to know why I lose control like I do when I let all that anger and frustration out. I hurt myself when that happens. I guess I punish myself. I'm really sick I guess. I never would hurt Crystal or anyone who would just happen to be around me when that happens. I don't know what goes on when I do it. I'm not in control. I'm really scared of myself. I've lived my life trying to make others happy. I've tried to make others happy even when they were hurting me emotionally. I guess I've held so much of that in and when I get my heart broke like the other night I just let it out and lose all control.
It's not something I enjoy.
Please forgive me but I do have a problem. I'm not searching for pity only understanding and help. I don't mean to upset anyone.
God please help me.
Why am I forced to not have the one thing I've worked so hard to have? Am I meant to live the rest of my days alone? Nobody deserves to have the hurt and pain that is inside of me, inside of my heart. I don't know what to do anymore.
So, what am I to do now? I mean, there's no desire for me to be with anyone right now due to the fact that I'm such a mess because of what she did and what is going on in my head. I blame her for me being so upset but as far as the cuts and pill addiction go, it's my fault. I just wish I was the one you wanted. I have tried to give you my all since we started to talk again and work this relationship out. I would have done anything for you, but I guess it's just not what you want. That's fine. I'll leave this place one way or another come february. My life depends on it.
I honestly did not see this coming. I felt it was happening but I was hoping that it was just a feeling and not reality. Now, I'm back to being this lonely, pathetic individual who has nothing but time and the arts. I don't care if I never date another girl the rest of my life just as long as I don't get hurt like I just did. This summer and fall have been the worst and most bittersweet times of my life. I've never had such a hard time with anything before. I had a complete personality makeover and then in one night I fall apart. I can't sleep anymore. I slept maybe and hour or two last night.
I would like to thank Wayne for taking me to Pensecola with him last night. However, as fun as it was it sucked having to watch him and Heather be together. I drank nearly 10 beers, 2 long island iced teas, and an ammaretto sour. I was really really hammered. I just don't know what to do anymore. I talked to my parents, who are officially worried about me. It's good to know that they care. I will be seeking help from the therapists at work, which is something I've been doing but for different reasons. I want to know why I lose control like I do when I let all that anger and frustration out. I hurt myself when that happens. I guess I punish myself. I'm really sick I guess. I never would hurt Crystal or anyone who would just happen to be around me when that happens. I don't know what goes on when I do it. I'm not in control. I'm really scared of myself. I've lived my life trying to make others happy. I've tried to make others happy even when they were hurting me emotionally. I guess I've held so much of that in and when I get my heart broke like the other night I just let it out and lose all control.
It's not something I enjoy.
Please forgive me but I do have a problem. I'm not searching for pity only understanding and help. I don't mean to upset anyone.
God please help me.
Why am I forced to not have the one thing I've worked so hard to have? Am I meant to live the rest of my days alone? Nobody deserves to have the hurt and pain that is inside of me, inside of my heart. I don't know what to do anymore.