Helpful Links
Part of preventing a situation like this, which is our aim, is understanding how it happens and recognizing the signs before they turn into this.
In the process of discussing this situation and events, we have sought out many resources, including counseling for ourselves. Some of us were already seeing a counselor, a few of us sought counseling because of this issue.
Here is some information we found validating and helpful, both in helping us recognize the role we played in this relationship as well as past and current ones, and what to watch out for in future interactions.
Enmeshed Relationships: 1+1=1
We have put this first as it seems most relevant. The majority of Thom's interactions with is victims focuses on sameness. Being like them, writing in their style, sharing their opinions, no solid religious or personal beliefs (will often side with contradictory opinions simultaneously), turns into who he's with, appropriating their hobbies, religious views and practices, expressions and whatever else he can get his hands on, no distinction between others/wife and self, no other close relationships, lack of boundaries and ignoring the boundaries of others, outside relationships and emotional intimacy seen as "threats", need and enmeshment as a sign of love and loyalty. If you see ANY of these signs in a current or future relationship, GTFO. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, run. You, reader, cannot be everything to someone. While "You're all I need" might sound romantic, try DOING it. Try being someone's spouse, friend, lover, and mother/father. Try meeting all their emotional and physical needs. Try being a whole flock to a single bird. You can't do it. You will fail, because eventually, YOU will need something from this friend or partner, and that's not what you're there for. You're there to be them, for them, to provide anything they want whenever they want it, and forget you exist. And when you fail, you will be met with disdain and thrown away. There will be no exception to this. +1 if you stay in the relationship longer than you should, because you've spent so much time being them, that you've forgotten you existed at all.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Dependent Personality Disorder
These personality disorders are responsible for the majority of abuse in relationships. Know the signs. Everyone will have some of them, do not diagnose yourself or others, but do keep a wary eye on anyone who seems to have all or most of them to the extent it interferes with that person having interpersonal relationships or functioning in society. If they constantly have problems with friends, partners, or jobs... there is a reason.
15 Signs of Codependency
This is not love. Suffering does not show you care. It shows you hate yourself and will settle for bad rather than nothing at all.
And most importantly, look at what someone DOES rather than what they SAY. Everyone makes mistakes and unfortunately, we all sometimes hurt those we care about. When your friend or partner has hurt you, do they work to make amends or do they say "I'm sorry" and turn around and do the same thing again? Do they say that you can rely on and trust them, and then betray you or fail to deliver, without any notification or explanation as to why what they promised didn't come to fruition? Do they seem to offer things in the hope that you'll never take them up on it?
If so, run.
Unhealthy people can change and improve to become fantastic friends and partners, but it is not something that happens over night. It takes a great deal of soul searching, self awareness, open communication with others, and most importantly, accepting that their views on what constitutes an interpersonal relationship has been wrong. This is not an easy thing to do.
While none of us asked to be victimized, and we are not to blame, we all DO bear some of the responsibility. If we had been aware of many of these things, this never would have happened, at least not to us.
There is no such thing as a perfect person, and we all have some faults and unhealthy habits or patterns. One or two does not make a deal breaker in a relationship. However, if you see many over time, and more importantly if you have a gut feeling that you aren't being seen as you are, that you don't have equal "say" in the relationship, that you aren't being heard or considered, if you feel engulfed, controlled, or smothered, if you find yourself stuffing down twinges of doubt or rationalizing them away, then you need to leave the relationship. Plain and simple. You need to do a difficult thing and admit to yourself that this friend or partner just isn't who you thought they were, and get out before, well... this, happens.
Also of note: victims beware. If you have trauma in your past, especially abusive parents or an abusive previous relationship, be especially on guard toward those you seem to "immediately click" with. Odds are good that you have just found someone who reminds you of your abuser and you are in a perfect position to slip back into that role. You feel whole and it feels familiar for a reason.
issendai's "Sick System" links explain more about this, and why some people seem to willfully turn a blind eye to abuse that blinks like a neon sign in the desert to everyone else.
The Tenacity of Sick Systems
Qualities that Keep You in a Sick System
Sick Systems: How to Keep Someone With You Forever
As always, thanks for reading, and keep your head up. A wolf in sheep's clothing is still a wolf, and just because YOU mean everything you say and are an honest person, doesn't mean that everyone you encounter will be.
In the process of discussing this situation and events, we have sought out many resources, including counseling for ourselves. Some of us were already seeing a counselor, a few of us sought counseling because of this issue.
Here is some information we found validating and helpful, both in helping us recognize the role we played in this relationship as well as past and current ones, and what to watch out for in future interactions.
Enmeshed Relationships: 1+1=1
We have put this first as it seems most relevant. The majority of Thom's interactions with is victims focuses on sameness. Being like them, writing in their style, sharing their opinions, no solid religious or personal beliefs (will often side with contradictory opinions simultaneously), turns into who he's with, appropriating their hobbies, religious views and practices, expressions and whatever else he can get his hands on, no distinction between others/wife and self, no other close relationships, lack of boundaries and ignoring the boundaries of others, outside relationships and emotional intimacy seen as "threats", need and enmeshment as a sign of love and loyalty. If you see ANY of these signs in a current or future relationship, GTFO. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, run. You, reader, cannot be everything to someone. While "You're all I need" might sound romantic, try DOING it. Try being someone's spouse, friend, lover, and mother/father. Try meeting all their emotional and physical needs. Try being a whole flock to a single bird. You can't do it. You will fail, because eventually, YOU will need something from this friend or partner, and that's not what you're there for. You're there to be them, for them, to provide anything they want whenever they want it, and forget you exist. And when you fail, you will be met with disdain and thrown away. There will be no exception to this. +1 if you stay in the relationship longer than you should, because you've spent so much time being them, that you've forgotten you existed at all.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Dependent Personality Disorder
These personality disorders are responsible for the majority of abuse in relationships. Know the signs. Everyone will have some of them, do not diagnose yourself or others, but do keep a wary eye on anyone who seems to have all or most of them to the extent it interferes with that person having interpersonal relationships or functioning in society. If they constantly have problems with friends, partners, or jobs... there is a reason.
15 Signs of Codependency
This is not love. Suffering does not show you care. It shows you hate yourself and will settle for bad rather than nothing at all.
And most importantly, look at what someone DOES rather than what they SAY. Everyone makes mistakes and unfortunately, we all sometimes hurt those we care about. When your friend or partner has hurt you, do they work to make amends or do they say "I'm sorry" and turn around and do the same thing again? Do they say that you can rely on and trust them, and then betray you or fail to deliver, without any notification or explanation as to why what they promised didn't come to fruition? Do they seem to offer things in the hope that you'll never take them up on it?
If so, run.
Unhealthy people can change and improve to become fantastic friends and partners, but it is not something that happens over night. It takes a great deal of soul searching, self awareness, open communication with others, and most importantly, accepting that their views on what constitutes an interpersonal relationship has been wrong. This is not an easy thing to do.
While none of us asked to be victimized, and we are not to blame, we all DO bear some of the responsibility. If we had been aware of many of these things, this never would have happened, at least not to us.
There is no such thing as a perfect person, and we all have some faults and unhealthy habits or patterns. One or two does not make a deal breaker in a relationship. However, if you see many over time, and more importantly if you have a gut feeling that you aren't being seen as you are, that you don't have equal "say" in the relationship, that you aren't being heard or considered, if you feel engulfed, controlled, or smothered, if you find yourself stuffing down twinges of doubt or rationalizing them away, then you need to leave the relationship. Plain and simple. You need to do a difficult thing and admit to yourself that this friend or partner just isn't who you thought they were, and get out before, well... this, happens.
Also of note: victims beware. If you have trauma in your past, especially abusive parents or an abusive previous relationship, be especially on guard toward those you seem to "immediately click" with. Odds are good that you have just found someone who reminds you of your abuser and you are in a perfect position to slip back into that role. You feel whole and it feels familiar for a reason.
issendai's "Sick System" links explain more about this, and why some people seem to willfully turn a blind eye to abuse that blinks like a neon sign in the desert to everyone else.
The Tenacity of Sick Systems
Qualities that Keep You in a Sick System
Sick Systems: How to Keep Someone With You Forever
As always, thanks for reading, and keep your head up. A wolf in sheep's clothing is still a wolf, and just because YOU mean everything you say and are an honest person, doesn't mean that everyone you encounter will be.