(no subject)
So I have now had not one, but two of my coworkers give me the “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this,” conversation: the one where one person tells another some personal secret, signifying their need to express the issue to someone they feel they can trust. I am always honored by this, and it makes me feel good, particularly to know that people feel they can trust me. It does lead me sometimes however, to wonder if that gratification is coming from a positive place.
I like being needed. I imagine most people do, but that can be a personal form of insanity in my case. I try not to make that a secret. I have gotten very good at reading people, and I went to school to become a therapist for a reason. I guess motive has become a lot more important to me then it once was, and I’m trying to put my own under a magnifying glass. I like to think that I like it when people trust me for more altruistic reasons then simply being needed. I like being helpful to people, but I guess I want to be for the right reasons. In my life I have encountered, both from within and without, attempts at altruism for entirely selfish purposes, if that makes sense, and I have nothing but contempt for the experience. I don’t want to be find myself being that guy again anymore then I want to experience that feeling of hollow, dishonest sentimentality again. It’s masturbatory, narcissistic, and generally pathetic. I guess I’m at a point where doing the right thing for the wrong reasons only seems so much better then simply doing the wrong thing. Welcome to one of my weird mental feedback loops.
I like being needed. I imagine most people do, but that can be a personal form of insanity in my case. I try not to make that a secret. I have gotten very good at reading people, and I went to school to become a therapist for a reason. I guess motive has become a lot more important to me then it once was, and I’m trying to put my own under a magnifying glass. I like to think that I like it when people trust me for more altruistic reasons then simply being needed. I like being helpful to people, but I guess I want to be for the right reasons. In my life I have encountered, both from within and without, attempts at altruism for entirely selfish purposes, if that makes sense, and I have nothing but contempt for the experience. I don’t want to be find myself being that guy again anymore then I want to experience that feeling of hollow, dishonest sentimentality again. It’s masturbatory, narcissistic, and generally pathetic. I guess I’m at a point where doing the right thing for the wrong reasons only seems so much better then simply doing the wrong thing. Welcome to one of my weird mental feedback loops.