right here waiting

[neverletxgo]

its been awhile since ive updated this damn thing. i usually only update when im pissed, and if that is the case, i should have updated a long time ago. things are so stupid right now. im leaving for school in 5 weeks, and im not sure how to deal with it. marvin isnt helping the situation any. he wont talk to me about anything, and he wont express his feelings to me. i dont know what his deal is. he isnt making me feel any better about this, like a boyfriend should. i dont know why i put up with this so much, and have for so long. i guess its just the way i am. i guess that there is something inside of me that wont let him go. i havent figured it out, and i doubt that i ever will. there is a part of me that wants to let him go, and there is a part of me that wishes he would change.. although ill never have the balls to break it off for good, and i know he'll never change. i hate thinking things will be different when i know they wont be.
i wish there was something, a sign, that things will be okay and everything will work out the way it is supposed to. i wish it would all just change right now, and i could be happy with him again like we used to. hes been my life, my entire life, for so long.. i just wish i knew what was going on with us.

-- Nicole