in your universe--cynicalismOctober 31 2008, 21:42:53 UTC
fucking things up. sorry. but it's all your fault.
Tegoshi's trying, and that's saying a lot since Tegoshi hasn't had to try at anything since he was born. Since before then, even. But nothing seems to even graze the surface of Yamapi's expression; he smiles when he's told, he frowns when he's told, but the rest of the time he looks ambivalent.
He doesn't get angry. Not really. Despite Tegoshi's best efforts, nothing seems to make him tick--not even that time he lost a game of cards seven times in a row. He got annoyed, yes, it showed in the slant of his eyebrows and the twitching corners of his mouth, but it was a shallow indent at best.
Tegoshi is still lost in thought over just what it would take to get Yamapi to break, when Massu enters the dressing room, obliviously and eternally radiant with smiles.
"Nikuman?" he offers, settling down next to Tegoshi and shaking the bag in front of Tegoshi's nose. Tegoshi sighs a little, wistfully. Once upon a time, when he was lost and so confused and had absolutely not idea what to do, Massu was always there to help him, make things better; now, Massu probably wouldn't even believe Tegoshi if he were to tell him the truth. That once upon a time, he and Massu were angels and that their only hope back to heaven rested on the happiness of their leader. Massu shakes the bag in front of his face again and Tegoshi blinks. Right.
"Thanks," Tegoshi replies, stuffing the meatbun in his mouth and feeling his spirits lift considerably; even if Massu couldn't tell him what to do for now, his presence helps.
Yamapi comes in a few minutes after, looking entirely disheveled and exhausted. He drops into the sofa across from them without so much as another word. Tegoshi feels his heart leap into his throat; half-surprised at the sudden entrance of the boy that had been preoccupying most of his thoughts at the moment, and half-embarrassed, as if Yamapi knew that fact for himself. Tegoshi's plotting words and lines and subjects that might finally do the trick, when Massu beats him to the punch and all his words are lost.
"Nikuman, Yamashita-kun?" Massu asks, reaching over to offer the bag to him. Yamapi opens his eyes and blinks. Twice. And that's where Tegoshi finally sees something. Barely. But something all the same.
"Sure. Thanks, uhh, Masuda."
Masuda beams and Yamapi gives him that half-hearted smile in response, but Tegoshi's certain of what he's just seen. He crams the rest of his own nikuman in his mouth thoughtfully and doesn't say a word for the rest of the day.
-
His plan goes into action over the course of the next few days. Slowly. Tegoshi realizes that it's not going to be as easy as he once thought, but maybe that's why he knew he wanted to choose Yamapi.
The next day, Tegoshi mentions to Koyama, in passing, that Yamapi has been looking really tired lately. Koyama rubs at his chin and nods, eyebrows immediately furrowing into worry; he gets Yamapi a cup of Oolong tea before the performance, and Tegoshi secretly pats himself on the back. In time, everyone seems to find their own ways of getting through to Yamapi, bit by bit.
It's not much, not by a long shot, but Tegoshi thinks that for now, progress is progress. By the end of the week, Yamapi looks less worn for the wear and when Massu and him go out to karaoke that weekend, Tegoshi treats him to a slice of angel food cake.
"Mm? What's this for?" Massu asks, delighted if confused.
"Just a thanks," Tegoshi replies, amusing himself with a joke only he understands.
Re: in your universe--cynicalismOctober 31 2008, 21:44:34 UTC
-
Eventually Tegoshi loses sight of the mission. Sort of. It's in the back of his mind constantly, Yamapi's happiness, but Tegoshi finds he's in no rush. Yamapi's making progress steadily, in Tegoshi's eyes, and a part of him, the selfish part of him, somewhere deep down in him heart, thinks that he wouldn't mind living this life just a little longer; being with all these people just a little longer.
It isn't until one day, so many months later, when Massu is sleeping over, that Tegoshi realizes just how selfish he's really being. Massu starts up with a strangled cry from his futon across the room in the middle of the night, breathing heavily, tears streaming down his face. Tegoshi jolts awake from the sound and flicks the light switch, flooding the room in light.
"Massu? Massu are you okay?"
Massu shakes his head, wipes at his eyes but seems unable to control himself. Tegoshi wraps his arms around him in concern, pats him on the back. "Massu, Massu it's okay. Tell me what happened. Was it a bad dream?" Massu shakes his head again and buries his face into Tegoshi's shirt.
"It was so--happy," he manages to hiccup.
"What?" Tegoshi blinks.
"It was...really beautiful. The dream. So beautiful. Too beautiful. It felt--I wanted to stay there. Forever." Massu falls silent after that, only silently dampens the front of Tegoshi's shirt with tears. It's then that he finally understands what Kami-sama's real punishment for him was; to remember is one thing, to have to bring Yamapi to happiness all alone with no help was another, but because he remembers, Tegoshi understands what he's missing, and sometimes he does feel a incomplete, but Tegoshi knows how to get it back--get back.
Massu doesn't. All he has is a dull ache, a desperate yearning for once was, only he doesn't even know what. Tegoshi closes his eyes; angels have wings for a reason, after all, to stifle them is perhaps the worst thing that can be done.
That night, with Massu still in his arms, Tegoshi realizes that he can't keep being selfish, for Massu's sake, and especially for Yamapi's sake. That night, Tegoshi prays for a miracle.
He prays for an earthquake.
-
Tegoshi doesn't get an answer as quickly as he's used to, in fact, he only realizes that it was his answer in hindsight.
A few months later, Uchi is caught drinking underage. The scandal is blown out of control and out of proportion, in Tegoshi's opinion, but he's certain that it'll calm down soon. He's certain Uchi will be back with them, after just a small suspension. Meanwhile Tegoshi continues working hard, with NewS, with Yamapi.
Then Kusano gets caught too.
He says he's innocent, and Tegoshi really, truly believes him. Kusano likes to lie, he likes creating mischief and loves practical jokes, but when Tegoshi looks into his eyes that day, red-rimmed and watery and desperately pleading, Tegoshi knows he's telling the truth. Everyone does. Even Johnny does. But that doesn't change his decision: Kusano is also demoted to trainee status, and NewS is put on an indefinite suspension.
It's only once the decision is made final, in front of them all, that Tegoshi sees it on Yamapi's face. Sees it as Yamapi yells and argues and clenches his fists tightly at his sides. It's something he's never seen, something Tegoshi's sure no one has ever seen in Yamapi: unbridled, untempered, and unchecked anger. But even as they all argue, as they all beg and remonstrate, it doesn't change Johnny's decision.
And, leaving the building for what might be the last time, seeing all these faces for what might be the last time, Tegoshi finally realizes just what's happened.
Earthquake.
-
Tegoshi spends most of his time in his room after the suspension. He can tell his mother and grandmother are really worried, but he doesn't want to do anything. He's afraid to do anything. Because probably he'll just screw it all up. It's two weeks before he hears from Johnny-san again.
"You, are you free right now?" Tegoshi is about to answer in the negative, still bitter over everything that's transpired. "It's about NewS's future--" Tegoshi doesn't even let him finish before he's headed out the door.
Re: in your universe--cynicalismOctober 31 2008, 21:46:18 UTC
-
To say Tegoshi's disappointed when he gets to the studio would be unfair to Massu; because Massu's always been a breath of fresh air even in his unhappiest moments. But he can't help but feel a twinge of something sharp and painful--guilt--when he realizes that no one else from the group is there; not Kusano, not Uchi, not Ryo or Shige or Koyama. Not Yamapi.
"--debut as a duo. What do you think?" Johnny finishes. Tegoshi blinks and looks to Massu for clarification, but Massu is sitting there in deep contemplation.
"And...And NewS?" Massu ventures, hesitantly. And Tegoshi realizes what exactly they're both here for: a duo group apart from NewS, away from NewS. He feels his throat tighten.
"This will only be while NewS is on an indefinite hiatus," Johnny begins, steepling his fingers. "Think of it as a temporary arrangement, while we work things out." He pauses. "You both miss singing, don't you?"
It's Tegoshi that finds his voice first. "Yes," he says, and Massu looks at him in surprise. "But NewS--NewS--"
"Will be back eventually," Johnny says vaguely, and it's enough hope for Tegoshi at the moment. For him and Massu both.
Plans for the new temporary-unit, Tegomass, are made that day, but before leaving his office, Tegoshi turns back to Johnny.
"What about Yamashita-kun?" he asks softly, almost afraid of the answer.
"We've already made plans for him as well," Johnny replies, before waving him off dismissively.
-
Tegoshi finds it easier to forget the loss of NewS with Massu; Massu isn't a replacement for the entire group, no one person could ever be, but Massu is still a piece of the puzzle; living, breathing proof that NewS existed, once. Hope that it will exist again. For now he throws himself into learning new lyrics, new words, English words; concentrates on his singing and harmony and even his dancing, which he had always been severely lacking talent in.
He never once stops thinking about the others, though, makes sure to catch Koyama on Shounen Club, and follow Ryo in Kanjani8, tries to keep tabs on Shige and Kusano and Uchi, but mostly Tegoshi spends his time watching Yamapi. It's harder not to, because Yamapi is everwhere he looks; on tvs and magazines and billboards and advertisements. That's what the Jimusho's plan for Yamapi was; a solo career.
A part of Tegoshi knew that Yamapi was the kind of person that stood out among all others, the kind of person that naturally attracts the spotlight; it's why he was drawn to him too, after all. But seeing him there, performances and guest appearances all alone, makes Tegoshi ache inside and shut off the tv.
Re: in your universe--cynicalismOctober 31 2008, 21:47:16 UTC
-
He gets drunk in Sweden.
He's depressed and reckless and in a new country and so fed up with himself and so haunted by the image of Yamapi's blank stare that he can't help it; tears into the minibar in their hotel room after the meet and greet with dozens of fans who know him only as one part of Tegomass and not as one part of NewS. Soon he's drunk enough that Yamapi's face in his memory is more of a blur than anything else, a blur with more expression and more liveliness than Yamapi currently has, and it somehow makes Tegoshi feel better. Then Massu comes in.
He's stunned at first, then confused, then angry--because wasn't this the root of all their troubles to begin with and how could Tegoshi even think to and Tegoshi knows all the things Massu could say, and would say, because they're the same things that Tegoshi's thinking right now too. And he hates himself for it.
Massu doesn't say anything though, calmly locks the door and hands Tegoshi a bottle of water, and the gentle silence is more oppressive and painful than the alternative. Tegoshi blurts out, "It's all my fault."
"What?"
But Tegoshi doesn't stop to clarify, keeps babbling on a hundred words a minute, about Yamapi and Uchi and Kusano and miracles and earthquakes and Massu shakes his head once Tegoshi finally exhausts himself of all his words.
"Tegoshi, I know you might feel guilty. We all do. But it's not your fault."
"But it is," Tegoshi screams. "Everything is my fault. Even--even--" He cuts off, too ashamed to look Massu in the eye.
"Tegoshi," Massu begins again, after a long moment of silence, "it's not your fault. There's no way anyone could know what would happen. Sometimes things just happen by chance, or accident. Sometimes circumstances can't be controlled. Sometimes it's just bad luck, or maybe some higher power." Massu smiles warmly. "You're only human."
Tegoshi stares, before suddenly bursting into peals of laughter, laughing so hard that his stomach becomes sore and his jaw aches; he laughs until he cries and his eyes become red and blotchy and his cheeks feel sticky with tears. It's the first time he's cried after the suspension.
A small part of his mind wonders if Yamapi has cried like this for NewS too. The other part berates him for not realizing this sooner.
That night, while Massu is soundly asleep, exhausted from the events of the night, Tegoshi prays extra hard. For Massu, for Kusano and Uchi, for Koyama and Shige and Ryo, and for Yamapi. He prays that every one of them will always be happy, no matter what happens.
He hopes NewS will come back soon.
-
He gets his answer after the new year, during the concert tour; it's only then that he really believes NewS is together again. It's only then that he'll allow himself to believe it.
"Are you happy, Yamashita-kun?" he asks breathlessly after the third and final encore of the first show, winding down from a wave of adrenaline. He half doesn't know what he's saying, half delirious with sheer ecstasy; the words simply tumble out of his mouth. Yamapi smiles, and Tegoshi feels his heart leap into his throat all over again.
"I'm happy!" he calls back, just as breathless and just as happy as Tegoshi is.
-
To say Tegoshi is disappointed at the answer would be unfair to Yamapi; because it's not so much the answer he's disappointed over, as the aftermath. The lack of an aftermath, maybe. Confused more than disappointed, maybe.
Tegoshi had expected bright shafts of light, or a chorus of heavenly voices or something. Anything. Wasn't that the condition, after all? To bring Yamapi back to happiness?
Tegoshi pauses at the thought. Maybe there was never a condition. Maybe he really wasn't ever an angel. Maybe it was just something he imagined out of his head.
"Good night," Massu says that night, snuggling in the covers of his bed in their shared hotel room, before nodding off into a quick and deep sleep.
And maybe it doesn't matter in the least, Tegoshi muses, as he shuts off the light. "Good night."
Re: in your universe--cynicalismOctober 31 2008, 21:48:23 UTC
-
When Tegoshi opens his eyes, he's met with the sight of pure white everywhere around him. It's a sight that's achingly familiar, and Tegoshi something stir in his chest.
"Good job," someone says, and Tegoshi instantly recognizes the voice of Kami-sama. "You did well, Tegoshi."
"K-Kami-sama!" Tegoshi squeaks, and is at a loss whether to run away or run straight into his arms. He makes the decision for Tegoshi by wrapping his arms around Tegoshi's body.
"It's okay, my child. I can see you've done well for the boy, Yamashita. And you've learned a lot on your own. You and Massu--" He looks off to the side, where Tegoshi notices Massu sitting, for the first time, "can finally come back home."
Tegoshi's heart swells with emotion, which is quickly tempered by something else. The image of his mother and father and grandmother, of everyone he's met in his life, of KoyamaShigeRyoKusanoUchiYamapi. Of NewS. And something inside Tegoshi shatters at the thought of never seeing them again.
But he can't be selfish. Not this time. He swipes at his eyes and concentrates them on Massu, who is still sitting there silently, lost in his reverie of blissful marshmallow clouds and the air of sweet heaven. His wings are spread out wide and open and beautifully white.
"Thank you, Kami-sama," Tegoshi replies dutifully, tries hard not to imagine the look on Yamapi's face that day the suspension was called, how actively he protested against it. Kami-sama makes to speak, but it's Massu that cuts him off.
"Kami-sama?" he speaks softly, dreamily, like he's almost not sure what's going on.
"Yes, Massu?"
Massu blinks, looks hesitant for a moment, and opens his mouth and closes it again a few times, before finally continuing, "I don't think this is home for us. At least, not now. Not for now." He looks up at them both, and Tegoshi can see it in Massu's face. He knows Kami-sama can, too.
"I see," Kami-sama says, voice warm and comforting and so gentle that Tegoshi feels his eyelids start to droop.
-
"Ne Tegoshi," Massu mumurs softly, and Tegoshi rouses himself enough to squint up at him. They're in the very back of the train, and everyone is fast asleep around them.
"Mmm?"
"I don't really remember it, but I think I just had a really nice dream."
Tegoshi takes one look around at everyone's sleeping faces, before replacing his head against Massu's shoulder again, smiling into his arm. "Me too, Massu. Me too."
That night, Tegoshi dreams that he's flying.
END PLEASE KILL ME NOW OH MY FUCK HOW IS THIS FIVE COMMENT BOXES LONG. asjdksjfkashfas I'M SORRY.
Re: in your universe--cynicalismNovember 1 2008, 18:17:56 UTC
o god are you really? oh uhm, well. i will at least be glad i wrote less of it than you did. seriously. i got back from my last class that day and just wrote for two hours straight, no joke. lkhadaskhd why are your ideas so shiny.
kljsd totally your decision. i am mostly bad with titles and i like yours anyway. *___*
Tegoshi's trying, and that's saying a lot since Tegoshi hasn't had to try at anything since he was born. Since before then, even. But nothing seems to even graze the surface of Yamapi's expression; he smiles when he's told, he frowns when he's told, but the rest of the time he looks ambivalent.
He doesn't get angry. Not really. Despite Tegoshi's best efforts, nothing seems to make him tick--not even that time he lost a game of cards seven times in a row. He got annoyed, yes, it showed in the slant of his eyebrows and the twitching corners of his mouth, but it was a shallow indent at best.
Tegoshi is still lost in thought over just what it would take to get Yamapi to break, when Massu enters the dressing room, obliviously and eternally radiant with smiles.
"Nikuman?" he offers, settling down next to Tegoshi and shaking the bag in front of Tegoshi's nose. Tegoshi sighs a little, wistfully. Once upon a time, when he was lost and so confused and had absolutely not idea what to do, Massu was always there to help him, make things better; now, Massu probably wouldn't even believe Tegoshi if he were to tell him the truth. That once upon a time, he and Massu were angels and that their only hope back to heaven rested on the happiness of their leader. Massu shakes the bag in front of his face again and Tegoshi blinks. Right.
"Thanks," Tegoshi replies, stuffing the meatbun in his mouth and feeling his spirits lift considerably; even if Massu couldn't tell him what to do for now, his presence helps.
Yamapi comes in a few minutes after, looking entirely disheveled and exhausted. He drops into the sofa across from them without so much as another word. Tegoshi feels his heart leap into his throat; half-surprised at the sudden entrance of the boy that had been preoccupying most of his thoughts at the moment, and half-embarrassed, as if Yamapi knew that fact for himself. Tegoshi's plotting words and lines and subjects that might finally do the trick, when Massu beats him to the punch and all his words are lost.
"Nikuman, Yamashita-kun?" Massu asks, reaching over to offer the bag to him. Yamapi opens his eyes and blinks. Twice. And that's where Tegoshi finally sees something. Barely. But something all the same.
"Sure. Thanks, uhh, Masuda."
Masuda beams and Yamapi gives him that half-hearted smile in response, but Tegoshi's certain of what he's just seen. He crams the rest of his own nikuman in his mouth thoughtfully and doesn't say a word for the rest of the day.
-
His plan goes into action over the course of the next few days. Slowly. Tegoshi realizes that it's not going to be as easy as he once thought, but maybe that's why he knew he wanted to choose Yamapi.
The next day, Tegoshi mentions to Koyama, in passing, that Yamapi has been looking really tired lately. Koyama rubs at his chin and nods, eyebrows immediately furrowing into worry; he gets Yamapi a cup of Oolong tea before the performance, and Tegoshi secretly pats himself on the back. In time, everyone seems to find their own ways of getting through to Yamapi, bit by bit.
It's not much, not by a long shot, but Tegoshi thinks that for now, progress is progress. By the end of the week, Yamapi looks less worn for the wear and when Massu and him go out to karaoke that weekend, Tegoshi treats him to a slice of angel food cake.
"Mm? What's this for?" Massu asks, delighted if confused.
"Just a thanks," Tegoshi replies, amusing himself with a joke only he understands.
Reply
Eventually Tegoshi loses sight of the mission. Sort of. It's in the back of his mind constantly, Yamapi's happiness, but Tegoshi finds he's in no rush. Yamapi's making progress steadily, in Tegoshi's eyes, and a part of him, the selfish part of him, somewhere deep down in him heart, thinks that he wouldn't mind living this life just a little longer; being with all these people just a little longer.
It isn't until one day, so many months later, when Massu is sleeping over, that Tegoshi realizes just how selfish he's really being. Massu starts up with a strangled cry from his futon across the room in the middle of the night, breathing heavily, tears streaming down his face. Tegoshi jolts awake from the sound and flicks the light switch, flooding the room in light.
"Massu? Massu are you okay?"
Massu shakes his head, wipes at his eyes but seems unable to control himself. Tegoshi wraps his arms around him in concern, pats him on the back. "Massu, Massu it's okay. Tell me what happened. Was it a bad dream?" Massu shakes his head again and buries his face into Tegoshi's shirt.
"It was so--happy," he manages to hiccup.
"What?" Tegoshi blinks.
"It was...really beautiful. The dream. So beautiful. Too beautiful. It felt--I wanted to stay there. Forever." Massu falls silent after that, only silently dampens the front of Tegoshi's shirt with tears. It's then that he finally understands what Kami-sama's real punishment for him was; to remember is one thing, to have to bring Yamapi to happiness all alone with no help was another, but because he remembers, Tegoshi understands what he's missing, and sometimes he does feel a incomplete, but Tegoshi knows how to get it back--get back.
Massu doesn't. All he has is a dull ache, a desperate yearning for once was, only he doesn't even know what. Tegoshi closes his eyes; angels have wings for a reason, after all, to stifle them is perhaps the worst thing that can be done.
That night, with Massu still in his arms, Tegoshi realizes that he can't keep being selfish, for Massu's sake, and especially for Yamapi's sake. That night, Tegoshi prays for a miracle.
He prays for an earthquake.
-
Tegoshi doesn't get an answer as quickly as he's used to, in fact, he only realizes that it was his answer in hindsight.
A few months later, Uchi is caught drinking underage. The scandal is blown out of control and out of proportion, in Tegoshi's opinion, but he's certain that it'll calm down soon. He's certain Uchi will be back with them, after just a small suspension. Meanwhile Tegoshi continues working hard, with NewS, with Yamapi.
Then Kusano gets caught too.
He says he's innocent, and Tegoshi really, truly believes him. Kusano likes to lie, he likes creating mischief and loves practical jokes, but when Tegoshi looks into his eyes that day, red-rimmed and watery and desperately pleading, Tegoshi knows he's telling the truth. Everyone does. Even Johnny does. But that doesn't change his decision: Kusano is also demoted to trainee status, and NewS is put on an indefinite suspension.
It's only once the decision is made final, in front of them all, that Tegoshi sees it on Yamapi's face. Sees it as Yamapi yells and argues and clenches his fists tightly at his sides. It's something he's never seen, something Tegoshi's sure no one has ever seen in Yamapi: unbridled, untempered, and unchecked anger. But even as they all argue, as they all beg and remonstrate, it doesn't change Johnny's decision.
And, leaving the building for what might be the last time, seeing all these faces for what might be the last time, Tegoshi finally realizes just what's happened.
Earthquake.
-
Tegoshi spends most of his time in his room after the suspension. He can tell his mother and grandmother are really worried, but he doesn't want to do anything. He's afraid to do anything. Because probably he'll just screw it all up. It's two weeks before he hears from Johnny-san again.
"You, are you free right now?" Tegoshi is about to answer in the negative, still bitter over everything that's transpired. "It's about NewS's future--" Tegoshi doesn't even let him finish before he's headed out the door.
Reply
To say Tegoshi's disappointed when he gets to the studio would be unfair to Massu; because Massu's always been a breath of fresh air even in his unhappiest moments. But he can't help but feel a twinge of something sharp and painful--guilt--when he realizes that no one else from the group is there; not Kusano, not Uchi, not Ryo or Shige or Koyama. Not Yamapi.
"--debut as a duo. What do you think?" Johnny finishes. Tegoshi blinks and looks to Massu for clarification, but Massu is sitting there in deep contemplation.
"And...And NewS?" Massu ventures, hesitantly. And Tegoshi realizes what exactly they're both here for: a duo group apart from NewS, away from NewS. He feels his throat tighten.
"This will only be while NewS is on an indefinite hiatus," Johnny begins, steepling his fingers. "Think of it as a temporary arrangement, while we work things out." He pauses. "You both miss singing, don't you?"
It's Tegoshi that finds his voice first. "Yes," he says, and Massu looks at him in surprise. "But NewS--NewS--"
"Will be back eventually," Johnny says vaguely, and it's enough hope for Tegoshi at the moment. For him and Massu both.
Plans for the new temporary-unit, Tegomass, are made that day, but before leaving his office, Tegoshi turns back to Johnny.
"What about Yamashita-kun?" he asks softly, almost afraid of the answer.
"We've already made plans for him as well," Johnny replies, before waving him off dismissively.
-
Tegoshi finds it easier to forget the loss of NewS with Massu; Massu isn't a replacement for the entire group, no one person could ever be, but Massu is still a piece of the puzzle; living, breathing proof that NewS existed, once. Hope that it will exist again. For now he throws himself into learning new lyrics, new words, English words; concentrates on his singing and harmony and even his dancing, which he had always been severely lacking talent in.
He never once stops thinking about the others, though, makes sure to catch Koyama on Shounen Club, and follow Ryo in Kanjani8, tries to keep tabs on Shige and Kusano and Uchi, but mostly Tegoshi spends his time watching Yamapi. It's harder not to, because Yamapi is everwhere he looks; on tvs and magazines and billboards and advertisements. That's what the Jimusho's plan for Yamapi was; a solo career.
A part of Tegoshi knew that Yamapi was the kind of person that stood out among all others, the kind of person that naturally attracts the spotlight; it's why he was drawn to him too, after all. But seeing him there, performances and guest appearances all alone, makes Tegoshi ache inside and shut off the tv.
There's nothing in Yamapi's expression.
Reply
He gets drunk in Sweden.
He's depressed and reckless and in a new country and so fed up with himself and so haunted by the image of Yamapi's blank stare that he can't help it; tears into the minibar in their hotel room after the meet and greet with dozens of fans who know him only as one part of Tegomass and not as one part of NewS. Soon he's drunk enough that Yamapi's face in his memory is more of a blur than anything else, a blur with more expression and more liveliness than Yamapi currently has, and it somehow makes Tegoshi feel better. Then Massu comes in.
He's stunned at first, then confused, then angry--because wasn't this the root of all their troubles to begin with and how could Tegoshi even think to and Tegoshi knows all the things Massu could say, and would say, because they're the same things that Tegoshi's thinking right now too. And he hates himself for it.
Massu doesn't say anything though, calmly locks the door and hands Tegoshi a bottle of water, and the gentle silence is more oppressive and painful than the alternative. Tegoshi blurts out, "It's all my fault."
"What?"
But Tegoshi doesn't stop to clarify, keeps babbling on a hundred words a minute, about Yamapi and Uchi and Kusano and miracles and earthquakes and Massu shakes his head once Tegoshi finally exhausts himself of all his words.
"Tegoshi, I know you might feel guilty. We all do. But it's not your fault."
"But it is," Tegoshi screams. "Everything is my fault. Even--even--" He cuts off, too ashamed to look Massu in the eye.
"Tegoshi," Massu begins again, after a long moment of silence, "it's not your fault. There's no way anyone could know what would happen. Sometimes things just happen by chance, or accident. Sometimes circumstances can't be controlled. Sometimes it's just bad luck, or maybe some higher power." Massu smiles warmly. "You're only human."
Tegoshi stares, before suddenly bursting into peals of laughter, laughing so hard that his stomach becomes sore and his jaw aches; he laughs until he cries and his eyes become red and blotchy and his cheeks feel sticky with tears. It's the first time he's cried after the suspension.
A small part of his mind wonders if Yamapi has cried like this for NewS too. The other part berates him for not realizing this sooner.
That night, while Massu is soundly asleep, exhausted from the events of the night, Tegoshi prays extra hard. For Massu, for Kusano and Uchi, for Koyama and Shige and Ryo, and for Yamapi. He prays that every one of them will always be happy, no matter what happens.
He hopes NewS will come back soon.
-
He gets his answer after the new year, during the concert tour; it's only then that he really believes NewS is together again. It's only then that he'll allow himself to believe it.
"Are you happy, Yamashita-kun?" he asks breathlessly after the third and final encore of the first show, winding down from a wave of adrenaline. He half doesn't know what he's saying, half delirious with sheer ecstasy; the words simply tumble out of his mouth. Yamapi smiles, and Tegoshi feels his heart leap into his throat all over again.
"I'm happy!" he calls back, just as breathless and just as happy as Tegoshi is.
-
To say Tegoshi is disappointed at the answer would be unfair to Yamapi; because it's not so much the answer he's disappointed over, as the aftermath. The lack of an aftermath, maybe. Confused more than disappointed, maybe.
Tegoshi had expected bright shafts of light, or a chorus of heavenly voices or something. Anything. Wasn't that the condition, after all? To bring Yamapi back to happiness?
Tegoshi pauses at the thought. Maybe there was never a condition. Maybe he really wasn't ever an angel. Maybe it was just something he imagined out of his head.
"Good night," Massu says that night, snuggling in the covers of his bed in their shared hotel room, before nodding off into a quick and deep sleep.
And maybe it doesn't matter in the least, Tegoshi muses, as he shuts off the light. "Good night."
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-
When Tegoshi opens his eyes, he's met with the sight of pure white everywhere around him. It's a sight that's achingly familiar, and Tegoshi something stir in his chest.
"Good job," someone says, and Tegoshi instantly recognizes the voice of Kami-sama. "You did well, Tegoshi."
"K-Kami-sama!" Tegoshi squeaks, and is at a loss whether to run away or run straight into his arms. He makes the decision for Tegoshi by wrapping his arms around Tegoshi's body.
"It's okay, my child. I can see you've done well for the boy, Yamashita. And you've learned a lot on your own. You and Massu--" He looks off to the side, where Tegoshi notices Massu sitting, for the first time, "can finally come back home."
Tegoshi's heart swells with emotion, which is quickly tempered by something else. The image of his mother and father and grandmother, of everyone he's met in his life, of KoyamaShigeRyoKusanoUchiYamapi. Of NewS. And something inside Tegoshi shatters at the thought of never seeing them again.
But he can't be selfish. Not this time. He swipes at his eyes and concentrates them on Massu, who is still sitting there silently, lost in his reverie of blissful marshmallow clouds and the air of sweet heaven. His wings are spread out wide and open and beautifully white.
"Thank you, Kami-sama," Tegoshi replies dutifully, tries hard not to imagine the look on Yamapi's face that day the suspension was called, how actively he protested against it. Kami-sama makes to speak, but it's Massu that cuts him off.
"Kami-sama?" he speaks softly, dreamily, like he's almost not sure what's going on.
"Yes, Massu?"
Massu blinks, looks hesitant for a moment, and opens his mouth and closes it again a few times, before finally continuing, "I don't think this is home for us. At least, not now. Not for now." He looks up at them both, and Tegoshi can see it in Massu's face. He knows Kami-sama can, too.
"I see," Kami-sama says, voice warm and comforting and so gentle that Tegoshi feels his eyelids start to droop.
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"Ne Tegoshi," Massu mumurs softly, and Tegoshi rouses himself enough to squint up at him. They're in the very back of the train, and everyone is fast asleep around them.
"Mmm?"
"I don't really remember it, but I think I just had a really nice dream."
Tegoshi takes one look around at everyone's sleeping faces, before replacing his head against Massu's shoulder again, smiling into his arm. "Me too, Massu. Me too."
That night, Tegoshi dreams that he's flying.
END PLEASE KILL ME NOW OH MY FUCK HOW IS THIS FIVE COMMENT BOXES LONG. asjdksjfkashfas I'M SORRY.
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THIS COMM IS AMAZING. XD
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i really loved this plot too much pero. ;______; ♥
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Also, I had the working title "The Way Back Home" but if you can think of something better I am letting you decide.
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kljsd totally your decision. i am mostly bad with titles and i like yours anyway. *___*
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THROWING IT UP THEN.
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