(no subject)
OH MAN!
all around Sangha is like crazy white collge student party town. It's insane. WOAH! I just walked around, and I was thinking about chalking and stuff. Because I thought it would be fun but then I realized that it really wouldn't be that fun to be chalking and surrounded by a bunch of CU kids, and there are soo many cops here it's not even funny. It's actually kind of insane. But the cops seen okay I think. And the kids comply. I think this situation is so fascinating because woah. It's just weird, all these kida, I mean, I wish you could see it. It's like, white washed. It's a little scary too, the guys look kind of crazed, and the girls have a lot of secret anger. The funny thing is I know it would be so easy to walk into these parties, especially if I had booze. But You know. I haven't been to a party in a long time.
Today I was feel so weird. Kinda lonely. Just walking around with all those college kids everywhere made me feel like I was a part of something, like I was going to a party! But I wasn't... I was just walking around thinking about chalking, feeling a little scared of like, being made fun of or raped by some college person/people. ACH. In any case, it's funny how much more fear I feel when surrounded by white college kids, than when surrounded by just about anyone else. Something about it makes me feel out of control. Like I would have no say.
And I probably wouldn't. Haha!
Racism!
In anycase, I was getting to the point that I'm feeling alright after an invigorating walk in 18+ Disney world. I feel a little weird. I wish I was a white college so and so, just drinking and laughing, and fucking, and feeling worryless. But in a way, I know that life doesn't work for me. Because thats not what I am. I'm a nerdy insecure black finnish girl who really only fits in with other weirdos of color. But that's okay. I guess. It just makes things harder. Leaves more to worry about.
In anycase, chalking. I didn't know what to chalk.
Emma's comming tomorrow and I'm nervous about how she's gonna deal with being at Sangha, and seeing me here, and everything. I hope she will be okay with it. But if she isn't I won't be surprised, because I'm sure she's having a lot of stuff going on in her head, and experiencing a lot of new things (just like me) so we might just end up crying together all night tomorrow night.
This kid at Sangha called me the resident ax murderer. I feel like thats something to live up too. But I don't really like being isolated all the time. But.. I don't really like being with them all the time either. But! I do like the one who gave me the pet name. ALSO, I don't know like anyones name.
AND, I think Tim (my RA) has a girl in his room. ACH. It would be funny if it was Willow my group leader.
all around Sangha is like crazy white collge student party town. It's insane. WOAH! I just walked around, and I was thinking about chalking and stuff. Because I thought it would be fun but then I realized that it really wouldn't be that fun to be chalking and surrounded by a bunch of CU kids, and there are soo many cops here it's not even funny. It's actually kind of insane. But the cops seen okay I think. And the kids comply. I think this situation is so fascinating because woah. It's just weird, all these kida, I mean, I wish you could see it. It's like, white washed. It's a little scary too, the guys look kind of crazed, and the girls have a lot of secret anger. The funny thing is I know it would be so easy to walk into these parties, especially if I had booze. But You know. I haven't been to a party in a long time.
Today I was feel so weird. Kinda lonely. Just walking around with all those college kids everywhere made me feel like I was a part of something, like I was going to a party! But I wasn't... I was just walking around thinking about chalking, feeling a little scared of like, being made fun of or raped by some college person/people. ACH. In any case, it's funny how much more fear I feel when surrounded by white college kids, than when surrounded by just about anyone else. Something about it makes me feel out of control. Like I would have no say.
And I probably wouldn't. Haha!
Racism!
In anycase, I was getting to the point that I'm feeling alright after an invigorating walk in 18+ Disney world. I feel a little weird. I wish I was a white college so and so, just drinking and laughing, and fucking, and feeling worryless. But in a way, I know that life doesn't work for me. Because thats not what I am. I'm a nerdy insecure black finnish girl who really only fits in with other weirdos of color. But that's okay. I guess. It just makes things harder. Leaves more to worry about.
In anycase, chalking. I didn't know what to chalk.
Emma's comming tomorrow and I'm nervous about how she's gonna deal with being at Sangha, and seeing me here, and everything. I hope she will be okay with it. But if she isn't I won't be surprised, because I'm sure she's having a lot of stuff going on in her head, and experiencing a lot of new things (just like me) so we might just end up crying together all night tomorrow night.
This kid at Sangha called me the resident ax murderer. I feel like thats something to live up too. But I don't really like being isolated all the time. But.. I don't really like being with them all the time either. But! I do like the one who gave me the pet name. ALSO, I don't know like anyones name.
AND, I think Tim (my RA) has a girl in his room. ACH. It would be funny if it was Willow my group leader.