(no subject)
Dear world,
Just so you know, I still think it would be funsies to date Jordan. Except the part where he's a lying sack of shit who told me all sorts of things that are apparently impossible because he was trying to impress me or some such bullshit.
It's not like I'm not over him. It's just how you think about somebody from time to time - something triggers your memory. I was pissed off one day freshman year because I hadn't gotten to see him like usual - not real mature. And my friends were demanding I cheer up. And I wouldn't, and I wouldn't come sit with them, and I knew I was being ridiculous, but I just wanted to be alone. (Maybe I was on my period or something? Good lord.) So one of them grabbed my foot and tried to keep me from leaving. So I just started dragging her across the floor. And then my other, heavier friend latched onto the first friend's foot, and I couldn't move.
And I looked over, for whatever reason, and he was standing there at his locker, laughing at me. And I gave him a pitiful, pouty look, and I said, "Help me?"
And he came over and launched a tickle attack, and I escaped. And I had cheered up by the time I got free, so I came back to sit with them anyway. (The ridiculousness of this keeps striking me; I'm sort of really embarrassed that this actually happened.) And I remember that it meant a lot to me, because he'd told me the first night I met him not to expect him to care - so I didn't. And he wouldn't have helped me if he didn't care.
Blargh. I liked him a whole fucking lot, and maybe he liked me, too.
I don't like being tickled - unless it's flirty tickling. That's why I thought of this.
And, you know, I started out feeling a little bit melancholy. And now... I don't really care. I'm calm, a little sad, a little bit of a sweet smile. It didn't happen, and I'm okay with that. Liking him isn't something I can really regret, and I don't think I should. He's a sweet guy. Insecure, but sweet.
I'm not sure he'd recognize me. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't. The face hasn't changed, but the make-up has. The clothes have. I didn't wear heels when he knew me. The posture, the body language, they've changed. What I want and where I'm going and my happiness have changed.
And I can't regret liking him, or Bruno, or even Jarrod. Even though sometimes how fucking sad I was about Jarrod hurts like a bitch and makes me afraid and makes me want to run away from anyone I could ever like for a really long time. But I can't and I won't regret that shit. I have a yardstick for liking people, hahah, and that's fucking useful shit.
If he makes me glow from the inside out, feel like my body has turned into the sun... then he's worth it. Why should I regret feeling that way? Why should I regret learning how I never want to feel again?
I'm happy.
P.S.: I think three-years-ago him might have a heart attack if he saw me now - especially if he saw me dance. Heeeeeeeeee. And if he knew it was me, hahahaha. I think it would be really, really funny to see someone who only really knows me as who I used to be see me now. Or even anyone from middle school. I was such a little emo panda! Damn! And now I'm all WHEEEEE HAPPY! <3 <3 <3
Just so you know, I still think it would be funsies to date Jordan. Except the part where he's a lying sack of shit who told me all sorts of things that are apparently impossible because he was trying to impress me or some such bullshit.
It's not like I'm not over him. It's just how you think about somebody from time to time - something triggers your memory. I was pissed off one day freshman year because I hadn't gotten to see him like usual - not real mature. And my friends were demanding I cheer up. And I wouldn't, and I wouldn't come sit with them, and I knew I was being ridiculous, but I just wanted to be alone. (Maybe I was on my period or something? Good lord.) So one of them grabbed my foot and tried to keep me from leaving. So I just started dragging her across the floor. And then my other, heavier friend latched onto the first friend's foot, and I couldn't move.
And I looked over, for whatever reason, and he was standing there at his locker, laughing at me. And I gave him a pitiful, pouty look, and I said, "Help me?"
And he came over and launched a tickle attack, and I escaped. And I had cheered up by the time I got free, so I came back to sit with them anyway. (The ridiculousness of this keeps striking me; I'm sort of really embarrassed that this actually happened.) And I remember that it meant a lot to me, because he'd told me the first night I met him not to expect him to care - so I didn't. And he wouldn't have helped me if he didn't care.
Blargh. I liked him a whole fucking lot, and maybe he liked me, too.
I don't like being tickled - unless it's flirty tickling. That's why I thought of this.
And, you know, I started out feeling a little bit melancholy. And now... I don't really care. I'm calm, a little sad, a little bit of a sweet smile. It didn't happen, and I'm okay with that. Liking him isn't something I can really regret, and I don't think I should. He's a sweet guy. Insecure, but sweet.
I'm not sure he'd recognize me. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't. The face hasn't changed, but the make-up has. The clothes have. I didn't wear heels when he knew me. The posture, the body language, they've changed. What I want and where I'm going and my happiness have changed.
And I can't regret liking him, or Bruno, or even Jarrod. Even though sometimes how fucking sad I was about Jarrod hurts like a bitch and makes me afraid and makes me want to run away from anyone I could ever like for a really long time. But I can't and I won't regret that shit. I have a yardstick for liking people, hahah, and that's fucking useful shit.
If he makes me glow from the inside out, feel like my body has turned into the sun... then he's worth it. Why should I regret feeling that way? Why should I regret learning how I never want to feel again?
I'm happy.
P.S.: I think three-years-ago him might have a heart attack if he saw me now - especially if he saw me dance. Heeeeeeeeee. And if he knew it was me, hahahaha. I think it would be really, really funny to see someone who only really knows me as who I used to be see me now. Or even anyone from middle school. I was such a little emo panda! Damn! And now I'm all WHEEEEE HAPPY! <3 <3 <3