Home
Well, made it back to MN. Didn't get the "welcome home" I was expecting. Apparently, I've annoyed and angered my best friend just for leaving, so they were distant, my mind is still in Louisville, and I no longer know where "home" is.
I left, yes. I had fun. Oh, Kami, I had so much fun. You can WALK EVERYWHERE! You don't need a car! For someone who's been in a place where the nearest town is a block long and two miles away, that's seriously awesome. I have to drive everywhere, there, the grocery store is only a few blocks away! You can get EVERYWHERE by a TARC, the people are all friendly, and the night life is just... wow! It's freezing in the morning, but it gets real warm. Apparently, the winter doens't get below zero often at all. The school is HUGE!!! I went by some of the medical center, didn't even know it! The classes, the smallest ones are 60 people. o.o That's a bit daunting, but wow!
The people, oh I could go on about them. They're friendly, they're fun, they're strange, they're kind, they're welcoming, they wear their hearts on their sleeves. I was seen. Do you know how weird that is for me? I can usually hide from anyone and everyone if I want to. If I don't want to be found, I can make it impossible to find me. Not hard, just have to completely ignore summonings which can get seriously loud, though that's not the best idea 'cause then people get pissed. There, someone could ALWAYS find me! It was a bit frustrating, but kinda nice at the same time. It was nice to know that someone always wanted to find you. Someone was always looking out for you. Someone always cared.
Yeah, I had my bouts of homesickness. I even broke down crying once. Empathy is a pain. I tried calling here... I wanted to talk to the one person I thought I could talk to without them getting annoyed... apparently I was wrong. So I'm back here, and I'm happy to be back... but I hurt... and I feel... a bit unwanted. I didn't want to annoy anyone. I didn't mean to.
Why are they mad at me for leaving? I came back. Why are they annoyed that I called when I was having a hard time? Why are they upset with me when I only wanted to let them know I cared? Why do I feel so sick? I really do feel sick. Like there's something wrong. Like I did something wrong. I feel so guilty. Why? All I did was follow something I've been trying for for years. If they didn't believe me or didn't know, that's their fault! They didn't listen for the past 4 years. They didn't believe me. That's their own fault. The only reason I wanted to go was because I was feeling unwanted in the first place!!
I always fuck up here. I always make a mistake. I'm always a mess. I can never do anything right here. I'm always trying to do the right thing, make everyone else happy, make sure that everyone is okay... so why is it so horrible when I do something for me? And why, now after I've followed a dream, am I so confused?
They say that, "Home is where teh Heart is", but what do you do when your heart is torn in two? Both dreams you've chase forever, both tangible now. Both hold history, both hold pain, both hold your heart in an iron grip, but only one are you allowed. Why?
Why can't you have both? Why can't you love both? Why are you only allowed one? One life, undivided? WHy not divide? Why must you conform to one? Why must you choose and have only one? Because they tell you to. You want both lives, both realities, both dreams, but they refuse to form in harmony together. Why? Why not?
"Because" isn't good enough anymore. "It just doesn't work that way" is no longer an acceptable reason. Give me a reason as to why I cannot hold my heart's desires.
I'm confused and I don't know where to go. I'm lost. Where is my heart? Where is home?
They care for me. I know they do. To the point where they want to control where I go and what I do. They don't want to lose me. They don't want me to leave. There are so many choices. Go, don't go, leave forever, disappear, go somewhere else, even death haunts the edges of the shadows of my mind. So many choices. So many paths to choose. I just don't know which one to choose. I can't find my heart. I can't find home. I'm just lost.
I left, yes. I had fun. Oh, Kami, I had so much fun. You can WALK EVERYWHERE! You don't need a car! For someone who's been in a place where the nearest town is a block long and two miles away, that's seriously awesome. I have to drive everywhere, there, the grocery store is only a few blocks away! You can get EVERYWHERE by a TARC, the people are all friendly, and the night life is just... wow! It's freezing in the morning, but it gets real warm. Apparently, the winter doens't get below zero often at all. The school is HUGE!!! I went by some of the medical center, didn't even know it! The classes, the smallest ones are 60 people. o.o That's a bit daunting, but wow!
The people, oh I could go on about them. They're friendly, they're fun, they're strange, they're kind, they're welcoming, they wear their hearts on their sleeves. I was seen. Do you know how weird that is for me? I can usually hide from anyone and everyone if I want to. If I don't want to be found, I can make it impossible to find me. Not hard, just have to completely ignore summonings which can get seriously loud, though that's not the best idea 'cause then people get pissed. There, someone could ALWAYS find me! It was a bit frustrating, but kinda nice at the same time. It was nice to know that someone always wanted to find you. Someone was always looking out for you. Someone always cared.
Yeah, I had my bouts of homesickness. I even broke down crying once. Empathy is a pain. I tried calling here... I wanted to talk to the one person I thought I could talk to without them getting annoyed... apparently I was wrong. So I'm back here, and I'm happy to be back... but I hurt... and I feel... a bit unwanted. I didn't want to annoy anyone. I didn't mean to.
Why are they mad at me for leaving? I came back. Why are they annoyed that I called when I was having a hard time? Why are they upset with me when I only wanted to let them know I cared? Why do I feel so sick? I really do feel sick. Like there's something wrong. Like I did something wrong. I feel so guilty. Why? All I did was follow something I've been trying for for years. If they didn't believe me or didn't know, that's their fault! They didn't listen for the past 4 years. They didn't believe me. That's their own fault. The only reason I wanted to go was because I was feeling unwanted in the first place!!
I always fuck up here. I always make a mistake. I'm always a mess. I can never do anything right here. I'm always trying to do the right thing, make everyone else happy, make sure that everyone is okay... so why is it so horrible when I do something for me? And why, now after I've followed a dream, am I so confused?
They say that, "Home is where teh Heart is", but what do you do when your heart is torn in two? Both dreams you've chase forever, both tangible now. Both hold history, both hold pain, both hold your heart in an iron grip, but only one are you allowed. Why?
Why can't you have both? Why can't you love both? Why are you only allowed one? One life, undivided? WHy not divide? Why must you conform to one? Why must you choose and have only one? Because they tell you to. You want both lives, both realities, both dreams, but they refuse to form in harmony together. Why? Why not?
"Because" isn't good enough anymore. "It just doesn't work that way" is no longer an acceptable reason. Give me a reason as to why I cannot hold my heart's desires.
I'm confused and I don't know where to go. I'm lost. Where is my heart? Where is home?
They care for me. I know they do. To the point where they want to control where I go and what I do. They don't want to lose me. They don't want me to leave. There are so many choices. Go, don't go, leave forever, disappear, go somewhere else, even death haunts the edges of the shadows of my mind. So many choices. So many paths to choose. I just don't know which one to choose. I can't find my heart. I can't find home. I'm just lost.