New Years: The Truth
2007. It'll go down in my life as a year of regret. I made a large post about it, deleted it in turn because some things are truly no ones business but my own. For those who know me however I give you this insight next time you may think to tell me things will work out, will be okay. Not that anyone did tonight but rather for the future.
Imagine if at the stroke of midnight tonight I could never take another photo again. That I could see beautiful images in my mind still, but every time I touched the shutter it would never fire. Ever again. Then imagine what it would feel like if I came to realize that the things I've done in 2007, the choices I've made brought me to this place. That really, I had no one to truly blame but myself, and taking the incredible gift I'd been granted for granted.
Multiply this feeling by two as in reality, photography was a distant second passion though in the end... I didn't do a good enough job expressing that. But humour me. Then imagine what it must honestly feel like to know that hollow will never be filled, no matter how many people say things will change or that things will be okay. Then know that ultimately you have no one else to blame but yourself for watching that beautiful thing slip through your fingers, and have been too proud of god knows what to save it.
You live with that, and tell me to regret nothing.
All the success in the world. Becoming the person I should be, need to be. Money, a career. All of it will never bring back what I've lost. 40 years will pass and I know right now that I'll regret this year for the rest of my life as the day I lost myself the thing that mattered to me most of all. That when she looks back on it, all she'll remember is what I'd become, not who I am. Not the man she fell in love with. She'll see me as another disappointment in a long line of them.
I only live with this because I must, I carry on because there is nothing else to do, no other option. For those who are concerned, emailing me. Please don't be. I'll come around, baby steps you know?
Last but not least, not because I think anyone has done this. But if you look poorly on Jennie at all for this, if you use my grief for ill will. I'll rip your fucking throat out. She did best by her heart, and this hasn't been easy on either one of us, shes got her own demons to fight. Shes not going anywhere.
These are just my thoughts, and I'm tired of saying them. Explaining them and my failure as both a provider and a loving boyfriend. I don't want to explain it ever again, its hard to raise my chin when I have to constantly admit my defeat. I know what I did wrong, and hold no illusions.
These are my feelings as I feel them, no sympathy please, comments are disabled. I'm done kicking myself. All I'm left with now is the truth.
Imagine if at the stroke of midnight tonight I could never take another photo again. That I could see beautiful images in my mind still, but every time I touched the shutter it would never fire. Ever again. Then imagine what it would feel like if I came to realize that the things I've done in 2007, the choices I've made brought me to this place. That really, I had no one to truly blame but myself, and taking the incredible gift I'd been granted for granted.
Multiply this feeling by two as in reality, photography was a distant second passion though in the end... I didn't do a good enough job expressing that. But humour me. Then imagine what it must honestly feel like to know that hollow will never be filled, no matter how many people say things will change or that things will be okay. Then know that ultimately you have no one else to blame but yourself for watching that beautiful thing slip through your fingers, and have been too proud of god knows what to save it.
You live with that, and tell me to regret nothing.
All the success in the world. Becoming the person I should be, need to be. Money, a career. All of it will never bring back what I've lost. 40 years will pass and I know right now that I'll regret this year for the rest of my life as the day I lost myself the thing that mattered to me most of all. That when she looks back on it, all she'll remember is what I'd become, not who I am. Not the man she fell in love with. She'll see me as another disappointment in a long line of them.
I only live with this because I must, I carry on because there is nothing else to do, no other option. For those who are concerned, emailing me. Please don't be. I'll come around, baby steps you know?
Last but not least, not because I think anyone has done this. But if you look poorly on Jennie at all for this, if you use my grief for ill will. I'll rip your fucking throat out. She did best by her heart, and this hasn't been easy on either one of us, shes got her own demons to fight. Shes not going anywhere.
These are just my thoughts, and I'm tired of saying them. Explaining them and my failure as both a provider and a loving boyfriend. I don't want to explain it ever again, its hard to raise my chin when I have to constantly admit my defeat. I know what I did wrong, and hold no illusions.
These are my feelings as I feel them, no sympathy please, comments are disabled. I'm done kicking myself. All I'm left with now is the truth.