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Having a lot of trouble winding down, which is bad given that I need to get up and be moving tomorrow morning. Had a really shitty fencing practice at the club today, which is definitely why I can't get myself to get up and shower and go to bed.
I can tell I've improved over the last couple years, both in fencing skill and managing my emotions. The fact that today stood out as a bad day (a day when I won two practice bouts and acted out my frustration very little other than shutting down some and whacking the side of my mask) means that I am doing better. But it still makes me feel very tired and, I don't know, ragged? I want to be practicing more, but I can't because high school season and I don't have the time. I don't want to be practicing more, because augh fencing augh emotions. I want to just fence and not have to deal with all the baggage I bring into it.
Part of it is also my looming preliminary methods exam (next Friday!), conflict with a professor who's being an oblivious jerk, too much work to do and not enough time. Stress all around. The high school team is doing really well and I'll miss working with them, but I'll be happy when the season is over so I can reclaim more of my life, haha. States are the 22nd/23rd, and practice ends immediately after. My other obligations start sloughing off after that too - Midwest Club Champs for the university fencing team on the 1st/2nd of March, and then my half-semester class ends the week after. I just need to get through this stuff one step at a time.
Something came up about my anger issues at the high school practice today, sort of in a joking way (I joke about everything, especially the stuff I don't like about myself). The kids really can't picture me being angry about anything, which is actually super great and almost empowering? Like I can imagine myself as they imagine me and I seem very calm and collected (and also un-cool, but whatever). And then I followed that up with my mini-meltdown at the club and it makes me feel inadequate. Fun new layer, haha.
Ok. I'm going to bed now. Sorry about the word dump, thoughts are always appreciated. This entry was originally posted at http://neveralarch.dreamwidth.org/75802.html. Comment wherever you want.
I can tell I've improved over the last couple years, both in fencing skill and managing my emotions. The fact that today stood out as a bad day (a day when I won two practice bouts and acted out my frustration very little other than shutting down some and whacking the side of my mask) means that I am doing better. But it still makes me feel very tired and, I don't know, ragged? I want to be practicing more, but I can't because high school season and I don't have the time. I don't want to be practicing more, because augh fencing augh emotions. I want to just fence and not have to deal with all the baggage I bring into it.
Part of it is also my looming preliminary methods exam (next Friday!), conflict with a professor who's being an oblivious jerk, too much work to do and not enough time. Stress all around. The high school team is doing really well and I'll miss working with them, but I'll be happy when the season is over so I can reclaim more of my life, haha. States are the 22nd/23rd, and practice ends immediately after. My other obligations start sloughing off after that too - Midwest Club Champs for the university fencing team on the 1st/2nd of March, and then my half-semester class ends the week after. I just need to get through this stuff one step at a time.
Something came up about my anger issues at the high school practice today, sort of in a joking way (I joke about everything, especially the stuff I don't like about myself). The kids really can't picture me being angry about anything, which is actually super great and almost empowering? Like I can imagine myself as they imagine me and I seem very calm and collected (and also un-cool, but whatever). And then I followed that up with my mini-meltdown at the club and it makes me feel inadequate. Fun new layer, haha.
Ok. I'm going to bed now. Sorry about the word dump, thoughts are always appreciated. This entry was originally posted at http://neveralarch.dreamwidth.org/75802.html. Comment wherever you want.