Under the cut is a bunch of whining
So lately I've been feeling really lonely. It feels like there's no point to anything. I just sit here all day, sometimes I get up and practice piano or play a video game or clean or something, but what's the point? I have a few more weeks of vacation left, and then I go to school and spend hours learning a bunch of stuff for a degree I'll probably never be able to use because of how shitty the economy is. I feel completely unprepared for life on my own, but if I don't do something different, I'm going to go insane. I have one real-life friend who isn't here right now and I'm constantly paranoid that I really just annoy the everloving shit out of everyone else I know online and that they just talk to me because they feel obligated to. And I wouldn't even mind that, which is really pathetic, except that I'm afraid they're just going to stop even trying sometime, and then I won't have anyone. There's a bunch of stuff I've been thinking about lately, like sex and weird things I remember and the future and I don't even know. My brain is like a narcoleptic hamster or something. It keeps running around in empty little circles and then just shutting down, and then starting up again.
I'm afraid that I'm never going to be capable of physical intimacy with someone. There was one person in my life who I could imagine getting physical with, and she broke my heart so bad I'm only over it two years later. I'm still completely bitter and I hate it when I see other people around me being better at romance. I want them to fail because it makes me feel better, and then I feel like a horrible person. That's a shitty way to be and I'm ashamed of myself for being like that, but I also can't make myself stop. I can't handle the fact that other people have romantic relationships like a rational person and it upsets me enough that I almost don't care about how much of a bitch it makes me to never want to hear about it.
I don't even know how I ended up like this, either. My family is pretty normal. My parents are separated but that's honestly for the better, because they fight less. I'm smart. I graduated from high school with good grades and I'm going to the college I want to go to. I haven't experienced any horrifying trauma, as far as I know. I just fucking woke up one day and had a big bundle of neuroses where my brain used to be. There's no reason for it and I feel like a big whiny entitled bitch because I expect people to cater to them, and no one else seems to care at all. No one in my family understands how much I hate being touched or how much I hate touching dirty things or anything like that. I don't know how to explain it and no one will even fucking LISTEN and maybe it's not even that big a deal. People have been doing fine for hundreds of years without being stupid whiny bitches because they feel a little uncomfortable with something. At the same time, it makes me so mad.
I don't even know why I'm doing this. Am I trawling for compliments? Am I trying to make people tell me I'm wonderful and awesome so I feel better? What's the point of even writing this out? It's just so someone can read it and then go "Aww, poor baby" but hdsfihadfadsl. I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like this isn't even really real. And sometimes I just don't care. And lately it's been so hard to want to care about anything. I think I'm sadder than I feel, or maybe I'm just numb. Nothing really matters very much to me. I feel like there's more wrong with me than anyone knows, but then again...who fucking knows. I don't. I don't know shit. Whoo, look at me, I can write good and I'm good at taking tests. What the fuck is that good for? What can I do in the world? What use am I? I haven't changed anything and I'm probably never going to. What is my life going to matter? I've spent the first eighteen years of it being progressively lazier and slobbier, and now I play video games and sit around being bored all day while pretending to be socially conscious and care about things. GO ME. Do they make an award for that? Or a test? I bet I can score really high on that test.
Tomorrow I'm going to feel completely fine and regret posting this at all.
WARNING: Reading this is probably going to make you think I'm really bitchy. It's just a bunch of whining because I feel sort of down. Feel free to disregard it.
I'm afraid that I'm never going to be capable of physical intimacy with someone. There was one person in my life who I could imagine getting physical with, and she broke my heart so bad I'm only over it two years later. I'm still completely bitter and I hate it when I see other people around me being better at romance. I want them to fail because it makes me feel better, and then I feel like a horrible person. That's a shitty way to be and I'm ashamed of myself for being like that, but I also can't make myself stop. I can't handle the fact that other people have romantic relationships like a rational person and it upsets me enough that I almost don't care about how much of a bitch it makes me to never want to hear about it.
I don't even know how I ended up like this, either. My family is pretty normal. My parents are separated but that's honestly for the better, because they fight less. I'm smart. I graduated from high school with good grades and I'm going to the college I want to go to. I haven't experienced any horrifying trauma, as far as I know. I just fucking woke up one day and had a big bundle of neuroses where my brain used to be. There's no reason for it and I feel like a big whiny entitled bitch because I expect people to cater to them, and no one else seems to care at all. No one in my family understands how much I hate being touched or how much I hate touching dirty things or anything like that. I don't know how to explain it and no one will even fucking LISTEN and maybe it's not even that big a deal. People have been doing fine for hundreds of years without being stupid whiny bitches because they feel a little uncomfortable with something. At the same time, it makes me so mad.
I don't even know why I'm doing this. Am I trawling for compliments? Am I trying to make people tell me I'm wonderful and awesome so I feel better? What's the point of even writing this out? It's just so someone can read it and then go "Aww, poor baby" but hdsfihadfadsl. I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like this isn't even really real. And sometimes I just don't care. And lately it's been so hard to want to care about anything. I think I'm sadder than I feel, or maybe I'm just numb. Nothing really matters very much to me. I feel like there's more wrong with me than anyone knows, but then again...who fucking knows. I don't. I don't know shit. Whoo, look at me, I can write good and I'm good at taking tests. What the fuck is that good for? What can I do in the world? What use am I? I haven't changed anything and I'm probably never going to. What is my life going to matter? I've spent the first eighteen years of it being progressively lazier and slobbier, and now I play video games and sit around being bored all day while pretending to be socially conscious and care about things. GO ME. Do they make an award for that? Or a test? I bet I can score really high on that test.
Tomorrow I'm going to feel completely fine and regret posting this at all.
WARNING: Reading this is probably going to make you think I'm really bitchy. It's just a bunch of whining because I feel sort of down. Feel free to disregard it.