Things I must have missed.
Here I was yesterday- posting some lame update on my journal while not knowing that things had happened, things that I wish I knew more about.
I received a phone call last night from mister_punchy that our friend Scott McKinnon (minkstaccato) had shot himself the day before my birthday. I'm still reeling from this news and it seems unreal in some ways still. It didn't process at first when mister_punchy told me, I asked, "Who?" because my brain went instantly blank from the initial shock- of course I knew who, but when mister_punchy said "Mink Staccato" my brain opened back up and I was filled with disbelief.
I held it together for the phone call not really knowing what to say while thinking a million things a second:
Yes, I knew Scott owned a gun.
Yes, we had talked about suicide because I had told him before of my experiences the subject. He had a very reasonable opinion about it that he explained logically to me. I didn't like hearing him speak like that, but I agreed with his opinion so I couldn't tell him he was wrong.
That conversation will forever be between just the two of us, though.
I have been known to visit Scott in Eugene on the way down to southern Oregon to visit my family. On Saturday, March 26th, I drove right through Eugene without so much of a text to say "hi" because I was running late and felt I didn't have time to stop.
I should have stopped.
The next day was March 27th and that was when Scott decided to end his life.
I spent my birthday not knowing that my friend had shot himself. I spent the entire last few weeks not knowing that this had happened.
I will never forgive myself for this, even though I know that nothing I could have done would have stopped him. The amount of guilt I feel for not stopping to say "hello" is immense; if at least to see him one last time.
I'm fighting with myself- wanting to destroy things while at the same time wanting to curl up into a ball in a corner and die.
I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to handle not having Scott in my life; I'm assuming I won't have that figured out for a while.
I sent him a text message last night; I'm still waiting for a reply. I keep having this feeling that he'll answer.
I found some pictures from our last evening we spent together. We were drunk and he was messing with my camera. I wish I had the pictures from his camera because he took some of us together- I'd really love to have those pictures now.
He finally got tired of taking pictures of my grumpy ass and stuck the camera in his mouth.
Of course I will miss you, Scott, more than you ever would have thought to know.
I received a phone call last night from mister_punchy that our friend Scott McKinnon (minkstaccato) had shot himself the day before my birthday. I'm still reeling from this news and it seems unreal in some ways still. It didn't process at first when mister_punchy told me, I asked, "Who?" because my brain went instantly blank from the initial shock- of course I knew who, but when mister_punchy said "Mink Staccato" my brain opened back up and I was filled with disbelief.
I held it together for the phone call not really knowing what to say while thinking a million things a second:
Yes, I knew Scott owned a gun.
Yes, we had talked about suicide because I had told him before of my experiences the subject. He had a very reasonable opinion about it that he explained logically to me. I didn't like hearing him speak like that, but I agreed with his opinion so I couldn't tell him he was wrong.
That conversation will forever be between just the two of us, though.
I have been known to visit Scott in Eugene on the way down to southern Oregon to visit my family. On Saturday, March 26th, I drove right through Eugene without so much of a text to say "hi" because I was running late and felt I didn't have time to stop.
I should have stopped.
The next day was March 27th and that was when Scott decided to end his life.
I spent my birthday not knowing that my friend had shot himself. I spent the entire last few weeks not knowing that this had happened.
I will never forgive myself for this, even though I know that nothing I could have done would have stopped him. The amount of guilt I feel for not stopping to say "hello" is immense; if at least to see him one last time.
I'm fighting with myself- wanting to destroy things while at the same time wanting to curl up into a ball in a corner and die.
I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to handle not having Scott in my life; I'm assuming I won't have that figured out for a while.
I sent him a text message last night; I'm still waiting for a reply. I keep having this feeling that he'll answer.
I found some pictures from our last evening we spent together. We were drunk and he was messing with my camera. I wish I had the pictures from his camera because he took some of us together- I'd really love to have those pictures now.
He finally got tired of taking pictures of my grumpy ass and stuck the camera in his mouth.
Of course I will miss you, Scott, more than you ever would have thought to know.