Why did i change?
I got an anonymous comment on my last post, saying, "[W]hat the hell happened to you? I never changed, why did you?" I don't know who this is and i don't care. They very clearly lost sight of who i am a long time ago.
Why did i change?
I tried to fucking KILL MYSELF! I was in such a state that i contemplated the possibility of going to hell and i was OKAY WITH THAT! OBVIOUSLY, something was VERY WRONG!
I tried to kill myself because i couldn't change. I tried with all the power i thought i had and i really, really couldn't do it. I looked at my life and all the people i'd hurt and i couldn't bear to live another moment if it meant hurting them again.
But i dared GOD to get involved if he cared. I wrote a lyric saying, "..and God / if you want me / i invite you / to try and stop me." And he did stop me. He physically knocked the knife from my hand and smashed it to pieces on the ground. Months of planning down the tube just like that.
But he met my challenge, he preserved my life, and now he was responsible for it. I gave up trying to do anything for myself and resolved to follow his lead wherever it took me. And by his grace he has shown me so much and helped me to change in ways i never imagined. I cannot begin to express my amazement and gratitude for all that's happened. It's been two years, four months, two weeks and three days since that night, and i am hardly recognizable now. I love who i am becoming. I love the changes that are being made. These things i've longed for my WHOLE LIFE are actually coming to pass. It is literally a dream come true.
So if you're bothered by the love and devotion i have to my Saviour, if you have a problem with me being a Christian now, if you don't think i really experience the Almighty's mercy and grace on a daily basis, as much as i hope you will come to know him, i personally could not care any less.
I could never regret any of the things the Lord Jesus Christ has accomplished in my life. Never. GOD loves me and i love him back.
Why did i change?
I tried to fucking KILL MYSELF! I was in such a state that i contemplated the possibility of going to hell and i was OKAY WITH THAT! OBVIOUSLY, something was VERY WRONG!
I tried to kill myself because i couldn't change. I tried with all the power i thought i had and i really, really couldn't do it. I looked at my life and all the people i'd hurt and i couldn't bear to live another moment if it meant hurting them again.
But i dared GOD to get involved if he cared. I wrote a lyric saying, "..and God / if you want me / i invite you / to try and stop me." And he did stop me. He physically knocked the knife from my hand and smashed it to pieces on the ground. Months of planning down the tube just like that.
But he met my challenge, he preserved my life, and now he was responsible for it. I gave up trying to do anything for myself and resolved to follow his lead wherever it took me. And by his grace he has shown me so much and helped me to change in ways i never imagined. I cannot begin to express my amazement and gratitude for all that's happened. It's been two years, four months, two weeks and three days since that night, and i am hardly recognizable now. I love who i am becoming. I love the changes that are being made. These things i've longed for my WHOLE LIFE are actually coming to pass. It is literally a dream come true.
So if you're bothered by the love and devotion i have to my Saviour, if you have a problem with me being a Christian now, if you don't think i really experience the Almighty's mercy and grace on a daily basis, as much as i hope you will come to know him, i personally could not care any less.
I could never regret any of the things the Lord Jesus Christ has accomplished in my life. Never. GOD loves me and i love him back.