On Offense
The dictionary defines an offense as being something that hurts, disappoints or makes angry. So being offended is being hurt, disappointed and angry about something. This is an emotional reaction and these are feelings that cannot be chosen or willed away.
What can follow from an offense, though, is a wrong attitude. Bitterness, mistrust, criticism and even further emotional byproducts such as anger, exaggerated hurt and woundedness can be the results. Also mockery, sarcasm, relentless cynicism, and lack of sympathy can be included.
The following are attitudes that can be adopted after an offense:
(1) Blame/scapegoating. All responsibility for the offense is pinned on the perpetrator, regardless of whether they are truly responsible. This is not a reasonable attitude because people cannot be responsible for all the hurt feelings that result from their actions. They may choose to apologize anyway, but they don't have to. If this attitude is fostered and maintained, the increasing temptation is to constantly blame others for one's own emotional responses.
(2) Suspicion. The offender meant to offend for some reason. Suspicion goes hand in hand with paranoia, which tries to discover that reason. Naturally, suspicion is more a product of imagination than reason, and cannot be trusted of itself. Unless there is irrefutable evidence to support a specific suspicion, which must be reasonable given the circumstances, all paranoid thoughts must be discarded. If not, suspicion and paranoia will run rampant and wreak havoc on one's perception of reality, in particular to relationships.
(3) Rage. The refusal to accept any or all mitigating circumstances. Rage is unproductive and prone to forms of violence and abuse. It must never be given in to because it never helps, it only destroys.
(4) Revenge. The offender must pay for what they did or, for some reason or other, be made to experience the same emotional reaction as the offended. Revege stems from (a) the belief that the offender does not understand what they did or why it was offensive, (b) the notion that the offender must be trained to not do it again, (c) sheer petulance, or (d) rage. The assumption of "a" may or may not be true, but the offended must recognize that the offender alone is responsible for their own understanding. "b" is an arrogant and demeaning assumption that must never take root in the individual. Such an attitude destroys equal-level relationships and leads to abuse. "c" and "d" must simply never be accomodated. Period. Revenge is counter-productive and does not solve relationship problems. The attitude that one must have revenge, no matter how slight, must be avoided.
(5) Exaggerated mistrust. The offense may breed natural forms of mistrust, depending on what exactly happened. However, one must always make sure to examine their own heart to make sure a certain mistrust is a product of pure prudence (ie, a practical concern; reasonable) not a paranoia (ie, an impractical concern; unreasonable). It is always better to err on the side of trust, since the mind can over-analyze and think of all kinds of reason to mistrust.
(6) Refusal to heal. Choosing the pain over the process of healing. A common mistake, it sometimes feels safer to harbor a wound rather than take the steps to heal it. This willful woundedness only results in more woundedness, and soon wounds others. Rather than holding on to the hurt, let it go, let go of it, and let it have the time, patience and care it needs. Refusing to heal only exponentially increases all the normal symptoms of pain and the wrong attitudes that can go with it. Note: Since the refusal to heal is a wrong attitude, adopting this wrong attitude inevitably leads to other wrong attitudes.
(7) Disillusionment. It is normal to feel a little disillusioned by some offenses, but it is not reasonable or healthy to apply that feeling to all of life. Grabbing hold of disillusionment must stop. Disappointed is okay, disillusioned with life is not. The difference is a chosen attitude of hope concerning life, which is an extension of trust in GOD, or hopelessness. Hopelessness does not ever resolve anything and must be fought against with all energy.
(8) Self-absorption. Hand in hand with the refusal to heal, self-absorption makes one's emotional reaction to the offense the centre of the universe. This exaggerated self-importance, first, reduces one's potential for a balanced or objective perspective, and second, necessarily excludes parts or all of the offender's view, or need. This attitude inevitably works against the offended, since it makes them less likely to recognize an actual solution. When offended by something, this attitude must be avoided at all costs.
(9) Benefit of the doubt. When in doubt, choose to believe better of the one who hurt you. An offense will naturally breed doubts. Either dismiss these or use them as an opportunity to heighten that person's stature in your mind. Don't assume; or if you must, assume the best. If you really don't know, ask. But make sure the question is an objective, clear question, like, "Why did you do that?"
(10) Forgiveness. This is the ultimate goal to strive for. Let go of the offense, no longer hold on to the pain, and take the steps necessary to heal. Maintain a loving attitude that directs the emotional reaction at the offense, not the offender, until it subsides. Eventually, given enough time and enough care, the emotional reaction will gradually grow less severe. As for the one who offended, let them off the hook as much as possible. Do not hold them responsible for how you behave now or which attitude you choose. Forgiveness takes that power out of their hands and places it in your own. Be your own, not their slave or victim.
(11) Reconciliation. The attitude of reconciliation is one in which all reasonable measures are taken to repair what damage has been done by the offense and restore the relationship, if possible. This may take compromise and extraordinary self-control, but it is a matter of putting the relationship before one's wounds, which is healthy. Politeness, diplomacy, gentle speaking, benefit of the doubt, and lack of resentment are products of a reconciliatory attitude. This is to be desired.
(12) Resentment. This attitude is a result of choosing to hold on to the hurt instead of doing what it takes to let it go and heal. Resentment is not healthy in any relationship. Learn the steps to letting go and practise them.
As far as i can see, it is not wrong to have been offended, since that is an emotional response, but it is wrong to choose an unhealthy attitude because of the offense. An attitude can be chosen - with much difficulty sometimes, but it can be done - while emotions must be bridled as they come.
This is my idea of offense.
What can follow from an offense, though, is a wrong attitude. Bitterness, mistrust, criticism and even further emotional byproducts such as anger, exaggerated hurt and woundedness can be the results. Also mockery, sarcasm, relentless cynicism, and lack of sympathy can be included.
The following are attitudes that can be adopted after an offense:
(1) Blame/scapegoating. All responsibility for the offense is pinned on the perpetrator, regardless of whether they are truly responsible. This is not a reasonable attitude because people cannot be responsible for all the hurt feelings that result from their actions. They may choose to apologize anyway, but they don't have to. If this attitude is fostered and maintained, the increasing temptation is to constantly blame others for one's own emotional responses.
(2) Suspicion. The offender meant to offend for some reason. Suspicion goes hand in hand with paranoia, which tries to discover that reason. Naturally, suspicion is more a product of imagination than reason, and cannot be trusted of itself. Unless there is irrefutable evidence to support a specific suspicion, which must be reasonable given the circumstances, all paranoid thoughts must be discarded. If not, suspicion and paranoia will run rampant and wreak havoc on one's perception of reality, in particular to relationships.
(3) Rage. The refusal to accept any or all mitigating circumstances. Rage is unproductive and prone to forms of violence and abuse. It must never be given in to because it never helps, it only destroys.
(4) Revenge. The offender must pay for what they did or, for some reason or other, be made to experience the same emotional reaction as the offended. Revege stems from (a) the belief that the offender does not understand what they did or why it was offensive, (b) the notion that the offender must be trained to not do it again, (c) sheer petulance, or (d) rage. The assumption of "a" may or may not be true, but the offended must recognize that the offender alone is responsible for their own understanding. "b" is an arrogant and demeaning assumption that must never take root in the individual. Such an attitude destroys equal-level relationships and leads to abuse. "c" and "d" must simply never be accomodated. Period. Revenge is counter-productive and does not solve relationship problems. The attitude that one must have revenge, no matter how slight, must be avoided.
(5) Exaggerated mistrust. The offense may breed natural forms of mistrust, depending on what exactly happened. However, one must always make sure to examine their own heart to make sure a certain mistrust is a product of pure prudence (ie, a practical concern; reasonable) not a paranoia (ie, an impractical concern; unreasonable). It is always better to err on the side of trust, since the mind can over-analyze and think of all kinds of reason to mistrust.
(6) Refusal to heal. Choosing the pain over the process of healing. A common mistake, it sometimes feels safer to harbor a wound rather than take the steps to heal it. This willful woundedness only results in more woundedness, and soon wounds others. Rather than holding on to the hurt, let it go, let go of it, and let it have the time, patience and care it needs. Refusing to heal only exponentially increases all the normal symptoms of pain and the wrong attitudes that can go with it. Note: Since the refusal to heal is a wrong attitude, adopting this wrong attitude inevitably leads to other wrong attitudes.
(7) Disillusionment. It is normal to feel a little disillusioned by some offenses, but it is not reasonable or healthy to apply that feeling to all of life. Grabbing hold of disillusionment must stop. Disappointed is okay, disillusioned with life is not. The difference is a chosen attitude of hope concerning life, which is an extension of trust in GOD, or hopelessness. Hopelessness does not ever resolve anything and must be fought against with all energy.
(8) Self-absorption. Hand in hand with the refusal to heal, self-absorption makes one's emotional reaction to the offense the centre of the universe. This exaggerated self-importance, first, reduces one's potential for a balanced or objective perspective, and second, necessarily excludes parts or all of the offender's view, or need. This attitude inevitably works against the offended, since it makes them less likely to recognize an actual solution. When offended by something, this attitude must be avoided at all costs.
(9) Benefit of the doubt. When in doubt, choose to believe better of the one who hurt you. An offense will naturally breed doubts. Either dismiss these or use them as an opportunity to heighten that person's stature in your mind. Don't assume; or if you must, assume the best. If you really don't know, ask. But make sure the question is an objective, clear question, like, "Why did you do that?"
(10) Forgiveness. This is the ultimate goal to strive for. Let go of the offense, no longer hold on to the pain, and take the steps necessary to heal. Maintain a loving attitude that directs the emotional reaction at the offense, not the offender, until it subsides. Eventually, given enough time and enough care, the emotional reaction will gradually grow less severe. As for the one who offended, let them off the hook as much as possible. Do not hold them responsible for how you behave now or which attitude you choose. Forgiveness takes that power out of their hands and places it in your own. Be your own, not their slave or victim.
(11) Reconciliation. The attitude of reconciliation is one in which all reasonable measures are taken to repair what damage has been done by the offense and restore the relationship, if possible. This may take compromise and extraordinary self-control, but it is a matter of putting the relationship before one's wounds, which is healthy. Politeness, diplomacy, gentle speaking, benefit of the doubt, and lack of resentment are products of a reconciliatory attitude. This is to be desired.
(12) Resentment. This attitude is a result of choosing to hold on to the hurt instead of doing what it takes to let it go and heal. Resentment is not healthy in any relationship. Learn the steps to letting go and practise them.
As far as i can see, it is not wrong to have been offended, since that is an emotional response, but it is wrong to choose an unhealthy attitude because of the offense. An attitude can be chosen - with much difficulty sometimes, but it can be done - while emotions must be bridled as they come.
This is my idea of offense.