such sweet sorrow
I gave Mary my scale today. When I put it in her hands my eyes filled with tears as she tried to make me laugh. I could not let her see me cry for some reason.,.,.I kept my sunglasses on and smiled. How could I laugh when I was giving her 90% of myself? How could I smile when I was giving her my best friend. How could I smile when I was giving her my only confidant, my only security, my only stability, and my only measure of happiness. In a fucked up way my scale to something so complex and hard to handle and turned into the most complex thing.,.,.yet its complexity made its simplicity.
I feel a sense of freedom. I can picture old drawings of mine where my hands are chained to my scale and the chaines are broken; and yet I still sit there upon the holder of infinant numbers like a bird who when you open their cage doesn't fly away. I don't know if I don't fly because I don't know how to, I don't know that these chains being taken off of me means I should fly, I don't know what freedom is, or I am just scared. Maybe I am a mixture of all these things. With this sense of freedom comes an acute sense of fear, anxiety, uncertainty, lonliness, and mellanchaly(sp). I'm terrified of not having my scale. I know this is a big step, so they say, but this big step makes me realize that i might have to give this up. You know when there is that huge part of you that is just screaming I WANT OUT!!!! NO MORE OF THIS!!!! RUN THE FUCK AWAY!!!!! but there is this other part screaming the opposite. I feel like I have nothing. I feel like shit is just going to crumble beneath my feet. I feel like my life is flying out of control like a kite with no rock to hold it down. My one stable thing in my life is gone. I know my ed will aways be there and if I don't have that what is left? What is there when I'm scared, alone, hurting, depressed, suicidal, happy, in love, or all of them? NO ONE AND NOTHING. There will be nothing to help me dry my tears. There will be no goal to work at or to say "I can't kill myself.,.,.,.when I die they will lift me with out any strain and at this point they will topple over I weigh so much. So, untill I can float like a feather I can not kill myself" if I do not have that one thing there is no point. I know for a fact I will never be that thin and that perhaps is why i'm still here but there is a small portion of me that believes it and works for it no matter what and that small portion is what has been keeping me alive all these years.
My scale has made it so simple. I would not think about what mad me sad. I would not deal with what drove me into tears. I would not have to think about my mother passed out in the other room, or her throwing shit, or her forgetting about me. I would be sad and I would weigh myself and I would say I am sad because this number is not low enough not "I'm sad because of.,.,.(the above). It is easier to hurt over the scale than whats going on in my life. It is so simple with my scale, in a complex way only I will think simple like I said before, and I feel like there is so much chaos that I need that simplicity. I feel as if my life is some hurricane sometimes and I am the eye of the storm and the only thing that keeps me from completely self destructing from all this bullshit is my scale. Who do I wake up to now? Why should I take care of myself. Whats the point. I can't track my progress I have nothing to work with. I have nothing to measure my worth. I miss my scale.
I'm scared. I am so fucking scared I feel a panic attack comming on. I can't breath.
I feel a sense of freedom. I can picture old drawings of mine where my hands are chained to my scale and the chaines are broken; and yet I still sit there upon the holder of infinant numbers like a bird who when you open their cage doesn't fly away. I don't know if I don't fly because I don't know how to, I don't know that these chains being taken off of me means I should fly, I don't know what freedom is, or I am just scared. Maybe I am a mixture of all these things. With this sense of freedom comes an acute sense of fear, anxiety, uncertainty, lonliness, and mellanchaly(sp). I'm terrified of not having my scale. I know this is a big step, so they say, but this big step makes me realize that i might have to give this up. You know when there is that huge part of you that is just screaming I WANT OUT!!!! NO MORE OF THIS!!!! RUN THE FUCK AWAY!!!!! but there is this other part screaming the opposite. I feel like I have nothing. I feel like shit is just going to crumble beneath my feet. I feel like my life is flying out of control like a kite with no rock to hold it down. My one stable thing in my life is gone. I know my ed will aways be there and if I don't have that what is left? What is there when I'm scared, alone, hurting, depressed, suicidal, happy, in love, or all of them? NO ONE AND NOTHING. There will be nothing to help me dry my tears. There will be no goal to work at or to say "I can't kill myself.,.,.,.when I die they will lift me with out any strain and at this point they will topple over I weigh so much. So, untill I can float like a feather I can not kill myself" if I do not have that one thing there is no point. I know for a fact I will never be that thin and that perhaps is why i'm still here but there is a small portion of me that believes it and works for it no matter what and that small portion is what has been keeping me alive all these years.
My scale has made it so simple. I would not think about what mad me sad. I would not deal with what drove me into tears. I would not have to think about my mother passed out in the other room, or her throwing shit, or her forgetting about me. I would be sad and I would weigh myself and I would say I am sad because this number is not low enough not "I'm sad because of.,.,.(the above). It is easier to hurt over the scale than whats going on in my life. It is so simple with my scale, in a complex way only I will think simple like I said before, and I feel like there is so much chaos that I need that simplicity. I feel as if my life is some hurricane sometimes and I am the eye of the storm and the only thing that keeps me from completely self destructing from all this bullshit is my scale. Who do I wake up to now? Why should I take care of myself. Whats the point. I can't track my progress I have nothing to work with. I have nothing to measure my worth. I miss my scale.
I'm scared. I am so fucking scared I feel a panic attack comming on. I can't breath.