(no subject)
oh my god i so hate saira even though i dont see her anymore.
we(me, rae, cally & ami) went out today and we went to pizza hut before we went to rae's and we started bitching about random people and cally said something about saira needing anger management and rae said somthign about her telling ami , annie and rae to not come to my birthday last year and thats why ami and annie didnt come.
and i was her mate then. she was my best friend and she said that. i wasnt even mean or bitchy to her EVER.
she said sometrhing about me leaving them all and going off with other people.
what id like to know is who exactly? it's not like people are cueing up outside my house waiting for me to get bored of the friends i have and just leaving them is it?
why would i even leave them? theyre the coolest poeple in the world and i feel closer to them than i do to anyone else even my family. they know my deepest darkest secrets and my family dont even know me.
even if im pissed off at ami for believing that short-assed little shit, i still love her cause she is one of the coolest people i know.
she was my best friend when she did that. so she was supposed to be the one i trust the most, the one who wouldnt ever talk behind my back, the one who would stand up for me when other poeple are talking about me. not a fucking back stabbing bitch.
how the hell am i supposed to ever trust anyone ever again? and if i do trust anyone i'll always be paranoid. cause ill think they're planning all kind of shit.
say 20 years from now, i'll be giving out invitations for my, i donno birthday party or something and say 3 people say they cant come because they have stuff to do...thats when all this shit will start coming back to me and ill be all paranoid and start thinking that people are planning to leave me one by one.
but then again 20 years from now i might be in a coffin happily rotting away and leaing the smell of dead stuff on the velvety insides of the coffin...
why do i even bother trying to keep my friends? being alone and being with poeple is the same. you always have that feeling inside when you know somthing is missing but you cant work out what it is. you're always tired and every single bit of your body still screams out in pian because of the lack of nutrition. you always fail you always make your mum scream at you because you got 2% below the class average or because yuo say you want to go to the art college. you always get fucking shit of your sister for not being bothered about what you look like and her saying you're ugly and when you actually try to make youself look nice she comes along and tells you look fucking ugly and asks you why you cant just be normal. and you always always always get your mum scraming cause she found an old fucking razorblade in some old boxes you decided to put away.
i just dont like the whole idea of having people around you and not have them know what you're felling inside...and i just hate writing down everything i feel and have not have anyone to talk to. not a councellor no...like a close friend or... i donno...someone who loves me. but like thats ever gonna happen...someone loving me.
why would they? what is there to love? i dont do anything other people dont do. im the most un-unique person in the world. im not pretty. i dont have a sense of humor just fucking annoying sarcasm. i dont even have a personality for it to be all nice and shit.
i just dont know why i bother you know.
i know im not gonna get anywhere(and i dont need you to screm it at me every day. thanks mum). i mean i have all these dreams and shit that arent ever gonna work out and i dont even know why im still here.
everyone i know is gonna do something in their life that's gonna make them happy and rich and im just gonna end up in a fucking mental home.
i dont wanna be the only one who fails at everything. i dont wanna sit here and watch everyone else go on with their lives and actually achieve something rather than doing what i do most days, sitting in the dark listening to music and drawing fucking shite.
see i wanted to be an artist of some kind but then i realised that im not good at art. people say i am but they just lie because they dont want me to feel bad. i dont know why they bother being nice to me... its just me... not like i have any feelings.
i wanted to be a musician but then i realised...i didnt realise anything my mum told me to quit being a fucking dreamer cause im never gonna make it...true.
i cant be bothered with anything anymore. and in 1/2 weeks we've got to choose what we want to do for GCSE. what a great time to make us choose what were gonna do with the rest of our lives....when im feeling fucking shite and cant be bothered living anymore. when i dont really give a fuck what happens to me. and all i want to do now to have the heating off and eat ice cream...i like making myself all cold...i guess its my new self-harm thing...quite shite really...you dont bleed...
i just wanna go...anywhere...anywhere where there's some one who'll make me feel better about being me and make me feel confident and make me feel as if i could do anything...but thats never gonna happen cause i dont have and never will have a someone who'll do those things.
ive just had enough of being confused all the time...
i cant be bothered with anything anymore.
im not gonna do anything that will make people remember me when i go am i? so why dont i jst go...now?