Dangerous Jobs for Girls
Summary: Sinister goings-on at the Ministry? It's up to The Quibbler to unearth the truth! 3800 words. Gen. PG.
Dangerous Jobs for Girls
The sun's heat beat down on the small group of people gathered around the grave. Luna shoved her gloved hands deep into the pockets of her black robes - only a few months old but already shiny with use - and watched as the casket was lowered into the hole. A tall woman with greying hair stepped forward and tossed in a scraping of powdered soil. Small stones rattled on the pewter facings. The breeze caught Luna's hair and threw it across her face as the woman reached for a handkerchief and turned away. Somewhere nearby a baby began to wail.
She saw the woman again the following spring, in the atrium of the Ministry of Magic. Luna was standing beside the new monument and trying to decide if its sculptor had really meant the shadows to blend into the silhouette of a Crumple-Horned Snorkack when something cannoned into her leg. Luna looked down. Golden eyes stared up at her.
'Hello,' Luna said politely. The toddler beamed and clutched at her robe, leaving a long sticky smear.
'I'm so sorry. He keeps getting away.' There were new lines etched into the woman's face and her hair had turned entirely grey. It seemed impossible that someone could age so much in only ten months. As the woman reached for the wriggling child, the top of her satchel burst open and toys erupted from it and fled in all directions. The toddler shrieked in delight. The woman looked as if she was about to cry.
Luna grabbed for her wand. 'Accio toys!' The spell had no effect. A wizard in teal robes hissed at her and gestured to the sign above the fireplaces. In prominent letters it read 'Magical Muffling Zone. Spells May Not Function While Construction Is In Progress.' Luna nodded her thanks and looked around the atrium. There was no sign of any construction going on. The sign was gnawed at the corners and stained with owl droppings. It looked as if had been there for quite some time.
The toddler gave a despairing wail.
'Let me get them.' Without waiting for an answer, Luna took the satchel and set off after the errant toys. The small group of soldiers attempting to scale the monument was quickly rounded up, and she could see a black teddy-bear trying to hide behind a nearby Aspiderdistra. It met her eyes and began to climb, becoming hopelessly entangled in the plant's webs. Luna grinned and untangled it. It bared its teeth at her and hissed. 'Naughty,' she told it, and carried it back to the toddler who grabbed it from her and gurgled a stream of unintelligible chatter at the woman.
'He's asking about his wolf.'
'I didn't see a wolf - ah.' Two witches were chatting as they waited for an elevator. From beneath one robe a furry ginger tail poked out.
'Excuse me -' Luna knelt and extracted the wolf. It made a sad face at her and howled mournfully.
'Well, really -' said the witch. She gathered up her skirts and gave Luna a dirty look. Her friend nudged her and pointed at the toddler. The witches exchanged a glance and stalked away.
The woman managed a tired smile as Luna returned with her booty. 'Thank you.'
'It's no trouble,' Luna told her. 'Are you going far? I could help you with your bag if you like.'
Hope warred with caution in the woman's face. 'I expect you like babies,' she said.
Luna shook her head. 'Not really. I don't think people are interesting until they can argue properly.'
The woman laughed. 'What an unusual idea. And I think you must be Luna Lovegood. I'm Andromeda Tonks.'
'I thought you might be. His hair was brown a minute ago, wasn't it?'
Andromeda glanced down at the child in her arms. His hair was now the colour of a forest fire. 'Yes. Yes it was.'
'Teddy,' Luna said, remembering. She slung the satchel across her shoulder and took Andromeda's arm and they walked towards the fireplace together.
--
Andromeda's home was a small terraced house in Kensal Green, an unremarkable house in a long road of unremarkable houses. Net curtains covered the windows and trains thundered past the back wall every few minutes. Teddy clapped his hands as Andromeda dumped him in a playpen and wiped his face. She flicked her wand and a kettle hissed into life in the kitchen.
'This is lovely.' Luna helped herself to a rock cake and curled up in an enormous squashy armchair. 'Is it mostly Muggles here?'
Andromeda nodded. 'There are some witches and wizards down the road in Queen's Park. We walk down there several times a week to see them. Although Teddy's more interested in the trains.' She hesitated. 'My husband used to love the railway.'
'You must miss him very much. I miss Professor Lupin. He was my favourite teacher at school.'
Andromeda nodded. 'I was just beginning to get to know Remus.' She glanced involuntarily towards the fireplace. Luna followed her gaze. At the centre, flanked by ornaments, was a space where a photograph might have been.
From his playpen, Teddy gurgled. Andromeda did not seem to hear it.
'There were a lot of people at the funeral, don't you think?' Luna topped up her coffee cup from the pot. 'May I have another cake?'
Andromeda started. 'Of course. I'm glad you like them. How is Xenophilius, by the way? Someone told me he was in Egypt at the moment.'
Luna beamed. 'Daddy's very well, thank you. One of our old friends sent him a cutting from the Cairo Inquirer about a herd of magenta Erumpents living near the pyramids so Daddy's gone to see if he can get pictures. There's no reason why Erumpents have to be blue.'
'None at all.' Andromeda's lip quirked as if she were suppressing a smile. 'How long has he been away?'
'Nearly two months. He's left me in charge of The Quibbler, you know.'
'Indeed? I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed the last issue.'
Luna felt her cheeks turn pink with pleasure. 'You read The Quibbler?'
'We found the Prophet somewhat unreliable.' Andromeda's voice was dry. 'It's always interesting to have another point of view.'
Luna collected up her cake crumbs and tidied them into her saucer. 'I must go,' she said apologetically. 'I'm meeting Neville Longbottom for lunch. I don't suppose you'd like to come for tea one day next week? I could show you the Quibbler offices if you like. At least, Daddy calls them offices. It's more of a barn.'
Hardly daring to breathe, she waited. Andromeda looked thoughtfully across at Teddy. 'Thank you,' Andromeda said at last. 'I think I should like that very much.'
And that was how it began.
--
'So that's settled, then.' Andromeda said briskly. 'We'll run the missing blood on the front page and the Mrs. Scower scandal on page three.' She picked up her knitting. 'That jumped up halfwit in Ministry procurement will be out of a job before he knows what's hit him.'
'Although the Ministry floors are very shiny.'
Andromeda snorted. 'I'm not surprised if he's getting supplies from Knockturn Alley. Merlin knows what they've put in those bottles. Glenda Scower will have a fit when she finds out.'
Luna nodded. 'We mentioned the vampires last issue,' she commented. 'The readers will remember that and put two and two together when we tell them that blood is still going missing from the Janus Thickey patients. Quibbler readers are very clever.' She glanced at sun, sinking behind the trees. 'Teddy's tired today. You were at the Ministry last night weren't you?'
'He hates it. They keep poking and prodding. Nobody seems to remember he's just a little boy.' Andromeda finished her row. 'It was sweet of you to buy him that train.'
'I remembered how unhappy he gets on full moon nights. Did they let him take it with him?'
'They weren't going to. I pointed out that a three-year-old werewolf with a toy train was hardly more dangerous than a three-year-old werewolf without one and eventually they saw sense. Astonishingly. It's not as if anyone knows for sure yet, anyway. Poor lamb.'
There was a knock at the door. Luna scrambled to her feet. 'It's open!'
The door was pushed ajar and a head poked into the room. Luna's first impression was of long dark hair, falling down around a tanned face with strong brows and a discontented mouth. 'Is this The Quibbler?'
'It certainly is.' Andromeda thrust her knitting down the side of the armchair. 'Come and sit down.'
The girl hesitated for a moment, then came in, looking around the room curiously. Her eyes fell on Teddy, asleep on his mat with his Hogwarts Express clutched in his arms, on the picture of Remus and Tonks propped nearby, and then on the long, low table scattered with teacups and papers between Luna and Andromeda.
'I hope it's all right to come to you. I didn't know where else to go.' She sat down at the table. Luna poured her a pumpkin juice from the jug and sat down beside her.
'I'm Astoria,' the girl said. She was tall and coltish, with deep brown eyes; as she spoke, her left foot tapped constantly against her right, as if she found it impossible to be still. 'Astoria Malfoy.' Andromeda stiffened. Astoria did not seem to notice. 'I was Astoria Greengrass at school.' She looked at Luna. 'You were in the year above me.'
Luna nodded. 'How can we help?'
'I don't know if you can.' Astoria crossed her arms and uncrossed them again. She leant forward. 'It's about a friend of my sister's, Hippolyta Zabini. She went for a job as an Auror a few months ago. And - well, she didn't get it.'
'That's hardly unusual,' Andromeda commented.
Astoria shook her head. 'No. It's really hard to get in. But the thing is -' She hesitated. 'Daphne's one of the governors at Hogwarts now. She administers the Snape Bequest, you know? She saw the reference Minerva wrote for Hippolyta. Minerva said she hadn't written a reference like that since -' Astoria flushed. 'Well, since your daughter, actually.' She tucked a strand of hair behind one ear and stared down at the table.
Andromeda's knuckles whitened as she gripped the arm of her chair.
'Perhaps the interview went badly,' Luna suggested.
Astoria shook her head again. 'She didn't get an interview. Minerva said she didn't understand it. But I think I do.'
'Excuse me.' Andromeda rose from her chair and went to kneel by Teddy's mat. She laid her hand on his forehead and he murmured in his sleep. 'He's good for a while,' she observed in a tight voice. 'Three year olds are so unpredictable. Do go on.'
Astoria took a deep breath. 'I don't want you to think I'm crazy. I know some people at the Ministry - well, Draco does, actually - so we invited them round for dinner. We got to talking about recruitment and they said some things that made me wonder. Did you know the Ministry hasn't employed a Slytherin for almost two years?'
Luna leaned forward. 'How fascinating. Do you think it could be a conspiracy?'
'I don't think so. Our friends said they didn't think there was any policy or anything. It just wasn't done. But it's so unfair!'
Luna nodded. 'Maybe -'
'I'm surprised you didn't approach the Prophet,' Andromeda interrupted. 'After all, your father-in-law used to have a good deal of influence there.' Luna frowned. She opened her mouth to speak, but Andromeda cut her off. 'The Quibbler is not and never will be a mouthpiece for the Malfoy family.'
Pumpkin juice splashed on the table as Astoria stood up. Her hands were trembling, but her voice, when she spoke, was controlled. 'I'm sorry you don't feel able to help. For what it's worth, my husband doesn't know I'm here. He said it would be a waste of time coming to you.' She walked to the door. 'I should have realised that some forms of discrimination are more important than others. Goodbye.' The door clicked shut as she pulled it behind her.
Luna bit her lip. She looked at Andromeda.
'Don't say it.' Andromeda shook her head. 'It's difficult to see how I could have handled that more badly. I shall need to apologise to that young lady.'
Luna said carefully, 'Daddy always said, The Quibbler never turns anyone away. No matter how ridiculous their story.'
'And we wonder why no one takes us seriously.' But Andromeda was smiling.
'Why would we want to be taken seriously?'
--
Dear Mrs. Malfoy,
I feel that I owe you an apology for my behaviour on Tuesday afternoon. I wonder if you would be able to join me for lunch one day next week?
I do hope you will feel able to come.
Yours sincerely,
Andromeda Tonks
--
Dear Andromeda,
Thank you for your invitation. I should be pleased to accept.
Astoria Malfoy
--
Dear Astoria,
Shall we say Monday at 1.30 p.m. at The Fighting Harpies? I hear the pasta is sensational.
Andromeda
--
'So how was lunch?'
Andromeda halted in the doorway, staring at Luna. 'How did you -? Never mind. I keep forgetting you know everyone.'
'The Quibbler has spies everywhere,' Luna agreed. 'Actually, that was one we got a bit wrong. Someone told us they were Transfiguring paperclips into lasagne.'
'Surely that's not possible? It's one of the Five Exceptions.'
'Oh, yes.' Luna nodded. 'It will look like food and it will taste like food, but it's not nutritious.' She smiled. 'Unfortunately, we ran it on the front page and we had to publish a retraction. The Quibbler hardly ever has to publish retractions. Daddy was very upset. But they did invite us round to see the kitchens and we've been back lots since. What did you have?'
'Astoria had the linguine. And I had the lasagne.' Andromeda's face was expressionless.
'Did it taste nice?'
'Very. Although, now I come to think of it, perhaps a little metallic.'
--
'What have you got there?' Astoria jumped to her feet as Luna hurried in, a pile of papers under one arm.
Luna let the papers cascade onto the floor. 'Personnel files for all new Ministry employees in the last twenty-two months. Except Maintenance. No one knew where those were.'
'How on earth did you get hold of those?'
From her chair beside the window, Andromeda rolled her eyes. 'Don't ask. She seems to know everyone at the Ministry.' She gave the heap of papers a dubious look. 'We'll need to go through every single one, won't we?'
'All two hundred and three,' Luna agreed cheerily. 'I'll start with this one. Rolf Scamander. He looks quite dishy, don't you think?'
--
The clock on the wall had announced midnight and was grumbling its way towards one before Andromeda pushed the last piece of paper to one side. 'Thirty one,' she muttered, rubbing her eyes. 'Who would have thought that seventeen Ministry departments could have thirty-one separate systems for recording someone's House?'
'That's the Ministry for you.' Luna beamed. 'They don't read any of it, you know. Daddy had to fill in a Small, Very Small, Tiny, Minute or Absolutely Miniscule Business form for them in April. He told them he employed twenty-nine Pixies and a Lethifold, but nobody ever came to check. He says he'll send them a Howler next year to see if they're paying attention.'
Astoria grinned. The grin turned into a yawn and she covered her mouth quickly. 'Sorry. I'd love to see that. They wanted education plans for the peacocks last summer. Someone had misread them as Prufrocks and the Ministry thought we were home-educating.' She grinned again. 'Can't say I blame them, though. Draco has horrible writing.'
Luna eyed her with interest. 'What did you do?'
'We sent them individual education plans, with targets. You know, 'eat more seed' and 'grow tail'. Daphne wrote most of them, actually. She's quite good at that paperwork stuff.'
'Talking of paperwork,' Andromeda said pointedly, 'I have fourteen Hufflepuffs, fifty-six Gryffindors and eleven Ravenclaws. No-one dishy. And no Slytherins, either.'
'Me neither.' Luna dumped her papers back on the floor.
'I've got one.' Astoria pushed a paper towards Luna. 'Don't know if she counts, though. She's married to Percy Weasley.'
Luna leaned back on her haunches and stretched. 'As Daddy would say, I think we have a story.'
--
WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?
As every Quibbler reader knows, three years ago Harry Potter defeated Voldemort in the Battle of Hogwarts. Since then we've been living in a wizarding paradise, a brave new world where non-humans are treated with the respect they deserve and every witch and wizard is judged on merit alone.
OR HAVE WE?
Shocking new evidence has come to light revealing that discrimination is alive and well in the Ministry of Magic. The Quibbler has examined recruitment statistics for the last two years and we can reveal exclusively that, out of two hundred and three new employees, only one is a Slytherin. And she's Arthur Weasley's daughter-in-law.
Here at The Quibbler we like to examine every side of a story before we go to press. Perhaps, we thought, no Slytherins are applying for work at the Ministry of Magic?
NOT TRUE. Ask Hippolyta Zabini.
'I've always wanted to be an Auror,' Hippolyta told us. 'I worked hard at Hogwarts, and I was delighted to get Os in all my OWLs. I did a Wizarding World of Work placement within the Ministry at the end of my fifth year and I spent two weeks of that with Magical Law Enforcement, although that was mostly clearing up wreckage and tracking down missing files. I took six NEWTs and got Os across the board. I was devastated when my application to be an Auror was turned down.'
Quibbler readers will be wondering, as we were, if something went wrong at Hippolyta's interview. Perhaps her robes were too short, or she has bad personal hygiene?
NOT TRUE. Hippolyta didn't get an interview. But then, she's a Slytherin.
We spoke to Minerva McGonagall, former Headmistress of Hogwarts, who wrote Hippolyta's reference. 'Genuinely outstanding candidates for Auror positions are few and far between. It was a long time since I had seen a candidate of Hippolyta's calibre. I must say, I was extremely surprised when she did not get the job.'
Before going to press, we asked the Ministry to respond. They declined, suggesting that we approach the Minister himself. Minister Shacklebolt, of course, is attending the International Conference on Magical Security in Chile until the end of the month. We've sent a copy of this article to Chile. On behalf of Quibbler readers everywhere, we ask:
- Why can't Slytherins get jobs at the Ministry?
- Is there an official policy of discrimination?
- If not - Minister - what on earth is going on?
Only a few years ago, the Ministry was embroiled in a goblin-poisoning scandal (see Quibblers passim). We have found no evidence - yet - that Slytherins are being drowned or cooked in pies, but it can only be a matter of time.
We leave the last words to Minerva McGonagall. 'I'm glad Albus isn't here to see this. He must be turning in his grave.' Readers will remember Albus Dumbledore as a lifelong champion of equality and justice, and, of course, an avid reader of The Quibbler. Perhaps you thought, as we did, that the things he worked for had come to pass. But then, alas, there would be no need for The Quibbler.
--
'No bridge today?'
Andromeda shook her head and deposited Teddy gently beside his toy box. 'Apparently I'm no longer welcome.' Luna raised an eyebrow. Andromeda nodded. 'And Valeria Gamp called me a Pureblood bitch in Obscurus this morning. I seem to have come full circle.'
Astoria looked up from the flowers she was arranging. 'What was Valeria doing in Obscurus? I didn't know she could read. Come and smell these. Minerva sent them. Gardenias and jasmine. And I've had my first Howler!' She waved a singed piece of scarlet paper proudly in the air.
'Ted and I used to get those all the time. No, darling, not for you. Have a biscuit instead.' She delved in her satchel and produced a cookie. Teddy seized it. Andromeda took a stem of jasmine from the vase. 'Beautiful. What did the Howler say?'
'Just that I'm a meddling talentless hussy poking her nose into things that don't concern her. The spelling was dreadful. Draco thought it was hilarious. But Hippolyta got spat on in the street yesterday. Blaise is pretty upset.'
'Daddy and I used to get sacks of Howlers,' Luna said. 'One time we had all our windows smashed. That was when we ran the articles supporting Harry. People don’t like it when you tell them the truth.'
Astoria gave her a sceptical look. 'You mean, like Slytherins being cooked in pies? Did you really think Cornelius Fudge was eating goblins? I always wondered.'
'Not really.' Luna cocked her head, fingering her radish earring. 'I don't think goblins would taste very nice. And Fudge is a very fussy eater. Daddy got hold of his expense accounts. But some people do believe that. You can't edit something out just because you think it might not be true.'
Astoria gave a slow nod. 'I suppose not. What about Crumple-Horned Snorkacks? Do you think you'll ever find one?'
Across the room, Andromeda smiled. 'That was almost the first question I asked, wasn't it?'
'What did she say?'
'Let me see if I remember it correctly.' Andromeda scooped Teddy up and held him high. 'You said a world where people were searching for Snorkacks was more interesting than one where they weren't. That was it, wasn't it?'
'Word perfect,' Luna confirmed.
'In that case,' Astoria said, 'I hope you never find one. It would be so tedious to have to start looking for something else. Now, then. We had an owl this morning from one of the Healers at St. Mungo's, about suspicious visitors to the Janus Thickey. And someone pushed this through the door last night.' She held up a thick wodge of parchment. 'The prose style is rather good, actually. According to the writer, the Ministry is funding illegal experiments on Slytherins at the Potion Emporium. Front page stuff, if you ask me.'
'Definitely,' Andromeda agreed.
'In that case -' Luna jumped to her feet. 'I'll put the kettle on.'
--
Note: written for quietliban and poeted there on 9 May 2009. Thanks to winding_path for her meticulous beta work.
Dangerous Jobs for Girls
The sun's heat beat down on the small group of people gathered around the grave. Luna shoved her gloved hands deep into the pockets of her black robes - only a few months old but already shiny with use - and watched as the casket was lowered into the hole. A tall woman with greying hair stepped forward and tossed in a scraping of powdered soil. Small stones rattled on the pewter facings. The breeze caught Luna's hair and threw it across her face as the woman reached for a handkerchief and turned away. Somewhere nearby a baby began to wail.
She saw the woman again the following spring, in the atrium of the Ministry of Magic. Luna was standing beside the new monument and trying to decide if its sculptor had really meant the shadows to blend into the silhouette of a Crumple-Horned Snorkack when something cannoned into her leg. Luna looked down. Golden eyes stared up at her.
'Hello,' Luna said politely. The toddler beamed and clutched at her robe, leaving a long sticky smear.
'I'm so sorry. He keeps getting away.' There were new lines etched into the woman's face and her hair had turned entirely grey. It seemed impossible that someone could age so much in only ten months. As the woman reached for the wriggling child, the top of her satchel burst open and toys erupted from it and fled in all directions. The toddler shrieked in delight. The woman looked as if she was about to cry.
Luna grabbed for her wand. 'Accio toys!' The spell had no effect. A wizard in teal robes hissed at her and gestured to the sign above the fireplaces. In prominent letters it read 'Magical Muffling Zone. Spells May Not Function While Construction Is In Progress.' Luna nodded her thanks and looked around the atrium. There was no sign of any construction going on. The sign was gnawed at the corners and stained with owl droppings. It looked as if had been there for quite some time.
The toddler gave a despairing wail.
'Let me get them.' Without waiting for an answer, Luna took the satchel and set off after the errant toys. The small group of soldiers attempting to scale the monument was quickly rounded up, and she could see a black teddy-bear trying to hide behind a nearby Aspiderdistra. It met her eyes and began to climb, becoming hopelessly entangled in the plant's webs. Luna grinned and untangled it. It bared its teeth at her and hissed. 'Naughty,' she told it, and carried it back to the toddler who grabbed it from her and gurgled a stream of unintelligible chatter at the woman.
'He's asking about his wolf.'
'I didn't see a wolf - ah.' Two witches were chatting as they waited for an elevator. From beneath one robe a furry ginger tail poked out.
'Excuse me -' Luna knelt and extracted the wolf. It made a sad face at her and howled mournfully.
'Well, really -' said the witch. She gathered up her skirts and gave Luna a dirty look. Her friend nudged her and pointed at the toddler. The witches exchanged a glance and stalked away.
The woman managed a tired smile as Luna returned with her booty. 'Thank you.'
'It's no trouble,' Luna told her. 'Are you going far? I could help you with your bag if you like.'
Hope warred with caution in the woman's face. 'I expect you like babies,' she said.
Luna shook her head. 'Not really. I don't think people are interesting until they can argue properly.'
The woman laughed. 'What an unusual idea. And I think you must be Luna Lovegood. I'm Andromeda Tonks.'
'I thought you might be. His hair was brown a minute ago, wasn't it?'
Andromeda glanced down at the child in her arms. His hair was now the colour of a forest fire. 'Yes. Yes it was.'
'Teddy,' Luna said, remembering. She slung the satchel across her shoulder and took Andromeda's arm and they walked towards the fireplace together.
--
Andromeda's home was a small terraced house in Kensal Green, an unremarkable house in a long road of unremarkable houses. Net curtains covered the windows and trains thundered past the back wall every few minutes. Teddy clapped his hands as Andromeda dumped him in a playpen and wiped his face. She flicked her wand and a kettle hissed into life in the kitchen.
'This is lovely.' Luna helped herself to a rock cake and curled up in an enormous squashy armchair. 'Is it mostly Muggles here?'
Andromeda nodded. 'There are some witches and wizards down the road in Queen's Park. We walk down there several times a week to see them. Although Teddy's more interested in the trains.' She hesitated. 'My husband used to love the railway.'
'You must miss him very much. I miss Professor Lupin. He was my favourite teacher at school.'
Andromeda nodded. 'I was just beginning to get to know Remus.' She glanced involuntarily towards the fireplace. Luna followed her gaze. At the centre, flanked by ornaments, was a space where a photograph might have been.
From his playpen, Teddy gurgled. Andromeda did not seem to hear it.
'There were a lot of people at the funeral, don't you think?' Luna topped up her coffee cup from the pot. 'May I have another cake?'
Andromeda started. 'Of course. I'm glad you like them. How is Xenophilius, by the way? Someone told me he was in Egypt at the moment.'
Luna beamed. 'Daddy's very well, thank you. One of our old friends sent him a cutting from the Cairo Inquirer about a herd of magenta Erumpents living near the pyramids so Daddy's gone to see if he can get pictures. There's no reason why Erumpents have to be blue.'
'None at all.' Andromeda's lip quirked as if she were suppressing a smile. 'How long has he been away?'
'Nearly two months. He's left me in charge of The Quibbler, you know.'
'Indeed? I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed the last issue.'
Luna felt her cheeks turn pink with pleasure. 'You read The Quibbler?'
'We found the Prophet somewhat unreliable.' Andromeda's voice was dry. 'It's always interesting to have another point of view.'
Luna collected up her cake crumbs and tidied them into her saucer. 'I must go,' she said apologetically. 'I'm meeting Neville Longbottom for lunch. I don't suppose you'd like to come for tea one day next week? I could show you the Quibbler offices if you like. At least, Daddy calls them offices. It's more of a barn.'
Hardly daring to breathe, she waited. Andromeda looked thoughtfully across at Teddy. 'Thank you,' Andromeda said at last. 'I think I should like that very much.'
And that was how it began.
--
'So that's settled, then.' Andromeda said briskly. 'We'll run the missing blood on the front page and the Mrs. Scower scandal on page three.' She picked up her knitting. 'That jumped up halfwit in Ministry procurement will be out of a job before he knows what's hit him.'
'Although the Ministry floors are very shiny.'
Andromeda snorted. 'I'm not surprised if he's getting supplies from Knockturn Alley. Merlin knows what they've put in those bottles. Glenda Scower will have a fit when she finds out.'
Luna nodded. 'We mentioned the vampires last issue,' she commented. 'The readers will remember that and put two and two together when we tell them that blood is still going missing from the Janus Thickey patients. Quibbler readers are very clever.' She glanced at sun, sinking behind the trees. 'Teddy's tired today. You were at the Ministry last night weren't you?'
'He hates it. They keep poking and prodding. Nobody seems to remember he's just a little boy.' Andromeda finished her row. 'It was sweet of you to buy him that train.'
'I remembered how unhappy he gets on full moon nights. Did they let him take it with him?'
'They weren't going to. I pointed out that a three-year-old werewolf with a toy train was hardly more dangerous than a three-year-old werewolf without one and eventually they saw sense. Astonishingly. It's not as if anyone knows for sure yet, anyway. Poor lamb.'
There was a knock at the door. Luna scrambled to her feet. 'It's open!'
The door was pushed ajar and a head poked into the room. Luna's first impression was of long dark hair, falling down around a tanned face with strong brows and a discontented mouth. 'Is this The Quibbler?'
'It certainly is.' Andromeda thrust her knitting down the side of the armchair. 'Come and sit down.'
The girl hesitated for a moment, then came in, looking around the room curiously. Her eyes fell on Teddy, asleep on his mat with his Hogwarts Express clutched in his arms, on the picture of Remus and Tonks propped nearby, and then on the long, low table scattered with teacups and papers between Luna and Andromeda.
'I hope it's all right to come to you. I didn't know where else to go.' She sat down at the table. Luna poured her a pumpkin juice from the jug and sat down beside her.
'I'm Astoria,' the girl said. She was tall and coltish, with deep brown eyes; as she spoke, her left foot tapped constantly against her right, as if she found it impossible to be still. 'Astoria Malfoy.' Andromeda stiffened. Astoria did not seem to notice. 'I was Astoria Greengrass at school.' She looked at Luna. 'You were in the year above me.'
Luna nodded. 'How can we help?'
'I don't know if you can.' Astoria crossed her arms and uncrossed them again. She leant forward. 'It's about a friend of my sister's, Hippolyta Zabini. She went for a job as an Auror a few months ago. And - well, she didn't get it.'
'That's hardly unusual,' Andromeda commented.
Astoria shook her head. 'No. It's really hard to get in. But the thing is -' She hesitated. 'Daphne's one of the governors at Hogwarts now. She administers the Snape Bequest, you know? She saw the reference Minerva wrote for Hippolyta. Minerva said she hadn't written a reference like that since -' Astoria flushed. 'Well, since your daughter, actually.' She tucked a strand of hair behind one ear and stared down at the table.
Andromeda's knuckles whitened as she gripped the arm of her chair.
'Perhaps the interview went badly,' Luna suggested.
Astoria shook her head again. 'She didn't get an interview. Minerva said she didn't understand it. But I think I do.'
'Excuse me.' Andromeda rose from her chair and went to kneel by Teddy's mat. She laid her hand on his forehead and he murmured in his sleep. 'He's good for a while,' she observed in a tight voice. 'Three year olds are so unpredictable. Do go on.'
Astoria took a deep breath. 'I don't want you to think I'm crazy. I know some people at the Ministry - well, Draco does, actually - so we invited them round for dinner. We got to talking about recruitment and they said some things that made me wonder. Did you know the Ministry hasn't employed a Slytherin for almost two years?'
Luna leaned forward. 'How fascinating. Do you think it could be a conspiracy?'
'I don't think so. Our friends said they didn't think there was any policy or anything. It just wasn't done. But it's so unfair!'
Luna nodded. 'Maybe -'
'I'm surprised you didn't approach the Prophet,' Andromeda interrupted. 'After all, your father-in-law used to have a good deal of influence there.' Luna frowned. She opened her mouth to speak, but Andromeda cut her off. 'The Quibbler is not and never will be a mouthpiece for the Malfoy family.'
Pumpkin juice splashed on the table as Astoria stood up. Her hands were trembling, but her voice, when she spoke, was controlled. 'I'm sorry you don't feel able to help. For what it's worth, my husband doesn't know I'm here. He said it would be a waste of time coming to you.' She walked to the door. 'I should have realised that some forms of discrimination are more important than others. Goodbye.' The door clicked shut as she pulled it behind her.
Luna bit her lip. She looked at Andromeda.
'Don't say it.' Andromeda shook her head. 'It's difficult to see how I could have handled that more badly. I shall need to apologise to that young lady.'
Luna said carefully, 'Daddy always said, The Quibbler never turns anyone away. No matter how ridiculous their story.'
'And we wonder why no one takes us seriously.' But Andromeda was smiling.
'Why would we want to be taken seriously?'
--
Dear Mrs. Malfoy,
I feel that I owe you an apology for my behaviour on Tuesday afternoon. I wonder if you would be able to join me for lunch one day next week?
I do hope you will feel able to come.
Yours sincerely,
Andromeda Tonks
--
Dear Andromeda,
Thank you for your invitation. I should be pleased to accept.
Astoria Malfoy
--
Dear Astoria,
Shall we say Monday at 1.30 p.m. at The Fighting Harpies? I hear the pasta is sensational.
Andromeda
--
'So how was lunch?'
Andromeda halted in the doorway, staring at Luna. 'How did you -? Never mind. I keep forgetting you know everyone.'
'The Quibbler has spies everywhere,' Luna agreed. 'Actually, that was one we got a bit wrong. Someone told us they were Transfiguring paperclips into lasagne.'
'Surely that's not possible? It's one of the Five Exceptions.'
'Oh, yes.' Luna nodded. 'It will look like food and it will taste like food, but it's not nutritious.' She smiled. 'Unfortunately, we ran it on the front page and we had to publish a retraction. The Quibbler hardly ever has to publish retractions. Daddy was very upset. But they did invite us round to see the kitchens and we've been back lots since. What did you have?'
'Astoria had the linguine. And I had the lasagne.' Andromeda's face was expressionless.
'Did it taste nice?'
'Very. Although, now I come to think of it, perhaps a little metallic.'
--
'What have you got there?' Astoria jumped to her feet as Luna hurried in, a pile of papers under one arm.
Luna let the papers cascade onto the floor. 'Personnel files for all new Ministry employees in the last twenty-two months. Except Maintenance. No one knew where those were.'
'How on earth did you get hold of those?'
From her chair beside the window, Andromeda rolled her eyes. 'Don't ask. She seems to know everyone at the Ministry.' She gave the heap of papers a dubious look. 'We'll need to go through every single one, won't we?'
'All two hundred and three,' Luna agreed cheerily. 'I'll start with this one. Rolf Scamander. He looks quite dishy, don't you think?'
--
The clock on the wall had announced midnight and was grumbling its way towards one before Andromeda pushed the last piece of paper to one side. 'Thirty one,' she muttered, rubbing her eyes. 'Who would have thought that seventeen Ministry departments could have thirty-one separate systems for recording someone's House?'
'That's the Ministry for you.' Luna beamed. 'They don't read any of it, you know. Daddy had to fill in a Small, Very Small, Tiny, Minute or Absolutely Miniscule Business form for them in April. He told them he employed twenty-nine Pixies and a Lethifold, but nobody ever came to check. He says he'll send them a Howler next year to see if they're paying attention.'
Astoria grinned. The grin turned into a yawn and she covered her mouth quickly. 'Sorry. I'd love to see that. They wanted education plans for the peacocks last summer. Someone had misread them as Prufrocks and the Ministry thought we were home-educating.' She grinned again. 'Can't say I blame them, though. Draco has horrible writing.'
Luna eyed her with interest. 'What did you do?'
'We sent them individual education plans, with targets. You know, 'eat more seed' and 'grow tail'. Daphne wrote most of them, actually. She's quite good at that paperwork stuff.'
'Talking of paperwork,' Andromeda said pointedly, 'I have fourteen Hufflepuffs, fifty-six Gryffindors and eleven Ravenclaws. No-one dishy. And no Slytherins, either.'
'Me neither.' Luna dumped her papers back on the floor.
'I've got one.' Astoria pushed a paper towards Luna. 'Don't know if she counts, though. She's married to Percy Weasley.'
Luna leaned back on her haunches and stretched. 'As Daddy would say, I think we have a story.'
--
WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?
As every Quibbler reader knows, three years ago Harry Potter defeated Voldemort in the Battle of Hogwarts. Since then we've been living in a wizarding paradise, a brave new world where non-humans are treated with the respect they deserve and every witch and wizard is judged on merit alone.
OR HAVE WE?
Shocking new evidence has come to light revealing that discrimination is alive and well in the Ministry of Magic. The Quibbler has examined recruitment statistics for the last two years and we can reveal exclusively that, out of two hundred and three new employees, only one is a Slytherin. And she's Arthur Weasley's daughter-in-law.
Here at The Quibbler we like to examine every side of a story before we go to press. Perhaps, we thought, no Slytherins are applying for work at the Ministry of Magic?
NOT TRUE. Ask Hippolyta Zabini.
'I've always wanted to be an Auror,' Hippolyta told us. 'I worked hard at Hogwarts, and I was delighted to get Os in all my OWLs. I did a Wizarding World of Work placement within the Ministry at the end of my fifth year and I spent two weeks of that with Magical Law Enforcement, although that was mostly clearing up wreckage and tracking down missing files. I took six NEWTs and got Os across the board. I was devastated when my application to be an Auror was turned down.'
Quibbler readers will be wondering, as we were, if something went wrong at Hippolyta's interview. Perhaps her robes were too short, or she has bad personal hygiene?
NOT TRUE. Hippolyta didn't get an interview. But then, she's a Slytherin.
We spoke to Minerva McGonagall, former Headmistress of Hogwarts, who wrote Hippolyta's reference. 'Genuinely outstanding candidates for Auror positions are few and far between. It was a long time since I had seen a candidate of Hippolyta's calibre. I must say, I was extremely surprised when she did not get the job.'
Before going to press, we asked the Ministry to respond. They declined, suggesting that we approach the Minister himself. Minister Shacklebolt, of course, is attending the International Conference on Magical Security in Chile until the end of the month. We've sent a copy of this article to Chile. On behalf of Quibbler readers everywhere, we ask:
- Why can't Slytherins get jobs at the Ministry?
- Is there an official policy of discrimination?
- If not - Minister - what on earth is going on?
Only a few years ago, the Ministry was embroiled in a goblin-poisoning scandal (see Quibblers passim). We have found no evidence - yet - that Slytherins are being drowned or cooked in pies, but it can only be a matter of time.
We leave the last words to Minerva McGonagall. 'I'm glad Albus isn't here to see this. He must be turning in his grave.' Readers will remember Albus Dumbledore as a lifelong champion of equality and justice, and, of course, an avid reader of The Quibbler. Perhaps you thought, as we did, that the things he worked for had come to pass. But then, alas, there would be no need for The Quibbler.
--
'No bridge today?'
Andromeda shook her head and deposited Teddy gently beside his toy box. 'Apparently I'm no longer welcome.' Luna raised an eyebrow. Andromeda nodded. 'And Valeria Gamp called me a Pureblood bitch in Obscurus this morning. I seem to have come full circle.'
Astoria looked up from the flowers she was arranging. 'What was Valeria doing in Obscurus? I didn't know she could read. Come and smell these. Minerva sent them. Gardenias and jasmine. And I've had my first Howler!' She waved a singed piece of scarlet paper proudly in the air.
'Ted and I used to get those all the time. No, darling, not for you. Have a biscuit instead.' She delved in her satchel and produced a cookie. Teddy seized it. Andromeda took a stem of jasmine from the vase. 'Beautiful. What did the Howler say?'
'Just that I'm a meddling talentless hussy poking her nose into things that don't concern her. The spelling was dreadful. Draco thought it was hilarious. But Hippolyta got spat on in the street yesterday. Blaise is pretty upset.'
'Daddy and I used to get sacks of Howlers,' Luna said. 'One time we had all our windows smashed. That was when we ran the articles supporting Harry. People don’t like it when you tell them the truth.'
Astoria gave her a sceptical look. 'You mean, like Slytherins being cooked in pies? Did you really think Cornelius Fudge was eating goblins? I always wondered.'
'Not really.' Luna cocked her head, fingering her radish earring. 'I don't think goblins would taste very nice. And Fudge is a very fussy eater. Daddy got hold of his expense accounts. But some people do believe that. You can't edit something out just because you think it might not be true.'
Astoria gave a slow nod. 'I suppose not. What about Crumple-Horned Snorkacks? Do you think you'll ever find one?'
Across the room, Andromeda smiled. 'That was almost the first question I asked, wasn't it?'
'What did she say?'
'Let me see if I remember it correctly.' Andromeda scooped Teddy up and held him high. 'You said a world where people were searching for Snorkacks was more interesting than one where they weren't. That was it, wasn't it?'
'Word perfect,' Luna confirmed.
'In that case,' Astoria said, 'I hope you never find one. It would be so tedious to have to start looking for something else. Now, then. We had an owl this morning from one of the Healers at St. Mungo's, about suspicious visitors to the Janus Thickey. And someone pushed this through the door last night.' She held up a thick wodge of parchment. 'The prose style is rather good, actually. According to the writer, the Ministry is funding illegal experiments on Slytherins at the Potion Emporium. Front page stuff, if you ask me.'
'Definitely,' Andromeda agreed.
'In that case -' Luna jumped to her feet. 'I'll put the kettle on.'
--
Note: written for quietliban and poeted there on 9 May 2009. Thanks to winding_path for her meticulous beta work.