Reality shows
I'm watching these reality shows and am blown away by the contestants' ages. I see what I view/perceive as an adult - a fully grown, older individual - and they're my age, or a year younger, or a few years older. I don't feel like I look like that. I certainly don't feel like an adult. But I'm starting to realize that's what the world sees when they look at me. A woman. An adult. And I need to start acting like it.
I never feel like an adult. I never feel competent or confident. I feel like I'm faking it through my days. I feel like i'm trying to convince people that I deserve to be here when I don't believe it myself, like I'm trying to get one over on them, barely squeak by, by the skin of my teeth.
I'm tired of being a frightened child. I'm not a child. If this year has taught me nothing else, it's how far I am from childhood. In actuality. But I don't *feel* far from it. I feel the same I felt in high school, in college, in my early 20s. I have the same insecurities, the same unfulfilled desires, the same actions and reactions. I felt that the difference didn't exist just because I didn't feel there was one. But I look as old as those people on TV do. I'm not pre- ANYTHING anymore really, at least in terms of life stage. This is it. This is my life. I'm not waiting in the wings, waiting to take the stage. I'm on, front and center. This is my time.
And I have to make it count. I'm done making excuses. I'm done feeling like I need to apologize for myself. I have to accept who I am and the power I have to become who I want to be. I'm so much different than I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 3 years ago...even last year. I have been through so, so much in the past year, and since starting my program, and since graduating college, and since graduating high school.
I still see myself as just a student, incipient, ignorant, but I'm beyond that now. I'm a professional. I am *doing* what I'm studying. People respect my opinion. People respect *me*. What I think of them matters to them. They rely on me. I can't keep wilting and shrinking.
I have to stop enjoying being miserable and depressed and anxious and hating myself. I'm holding myself back, holding myself down. I'm keeping myself from rising up, from flourishing. I have to let go.
What I used to be will pass away and then you'll see, that all I want now is happiness for you and me.
I never feel like an adult. I never feel competent or confident. I feel like I'm faking it through my days. I feel like i'm trying to convince people that I deserve to be here when I don't believe it myself, like I'm trying to get one over on them, barely squeak by, by the skin of my teeth.
I'm tired of being a frightened child. I'm not a child. If this year has taught me nothing else, it's how far I am from childhood. In actuality. But I don't *feel* far from it. I feel the same I felt in high school, in college, in my early 20s. I have the same insecurities, the same unfulfilled desires, the same actions and reactions. I felt that the difference didn't exist just because I didn't feel there was one. But I look as old as those people on TV do. I'm not pre- ANYTHING anymore really, at least in terms of life stage. This is it. This is my life. I'm not waiting in the wings, waiting to take the stage. I'm on, front and center. This is my time.
And I have to make it count. I'm done making excuses. I'm done feeling like I need to apologize for myself. I have to accept who I am and the power I have to become who I want to be. I'm so much different than I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 3 years ago...even last year. I have been through so, so much in the past year, and since starting my program, and since graduating college, and since graduating high school.
I still see myself as just a student, incipient, ignorant, but I'm beyond that now. I'm a professional. I am *doing* what I'm studying. People respect my opinion. People respect *me*. What I think of them matters to them. They rely on me. I can't keep wilting and shrinking.
I have to stop enjoying being miserable and depressed and anxious and hating myself. I'm holding myself back, holding myself down. I'm keeping myself from rising up, from flourishing. I have to let go.
What I used to be will pass away and then you'll see, that all I want now is happiness for you and me.