"I have direction!" "Yeah, towards the mall."
It's official.
Or at least I am officially announcing my intention, in the most unofficially binding way possible (via lj).
I'm applying to grad school.
Bring. It. On.
I made the decision kind of impulsively on Wednesday night. ("Kind of impulsively" because, you know, I've been obsessing about this decision for the past 2 years.) I knew my time was running out to figure out whether or not I wanted to apply this year, and I kept having anxiety dreams the past few weeks, so I finally broke down, cracked open my Grad School guide, and started making a list of different potential programs. And...looking at the different research areas and clinics available, and the program modules/classes, I got really excited. I got this full-bodied craving, like an intellectual/academic lust.
Grad school turns me on. So I'm fucking going for it.
And yes, I have to do a lot of work in a short amount of time (though I already have my GRE scores, personal statement, and [potentially] recommenders from last time, so really not all that much left to do). Yes, it is going to be an uphill battle. Yes, I still don't know if being a clinician is what I was meant to do, what my calling is, what my natural skills most lend themselves to, existential crises blah blah blah. And yes, it is entirely possible that I will get rejected AGAIN.
But, really, all things considered? I didn't do *too* horribly for myself last time. I only applied to 6 programs - *all* Ph.D., mind you - and I got interviews at 4 of them, wait-listed by at least 2. Straight out of undergrad. With the barest skeleton of scraped together research experience. Without having any fucking clue what I was doing because 1) my advisor was absolutely useless and oblivious (psychologists...), and 2) my uncle (who is in the field of academic/research psych) had dissuaded me from applying to Psy.D. programs/following my instincts, and I only decided to apply to Ph.D. programs in *August* before my *senior year*.
Now, I have 2 years of research experience, a potential pending publication on the way (though not coming soon enough), AND a letter of recommendation coming from someone with actual renown in the field. I think this time I actually do have a snowball's chance in hell. Maybe *only* a snowball's chance, but you know. That's still a chance.
(Though the recommendation thing is probably canceled out by two other RAs in my lab who are also applying to Clinical programs this year - one who worked in a lab at Duke and has multiple publications, and the other who has extensive clinical experience with the severely mentally ill - who are probably going to try for many of the same programs I am and who are my direct competition and are way more qualified than me and GRRARGH!)
But, okay. It's true that I might not get in this year either. I am much better prepared for rejection this time around (*better* prepared, not *completely* prepared). If I find out in the Spring that I haven't been accepted, I will almost definitely have a publication out by then, will continue to try to find a job (unsuccessful so far, but hey) to gain more clinical experience, volunteering if I HAVE to, and will get myself ready to apply again next fall, with an even better shot. This is my 2-year plan.
Or I can get a bullshit Masters degree in London for a year. If not for the incredible waste of a large amount of money, I would be all over that right now.
Even if it's a foolhardy and fruitless effort, having made this decision, I feel better - about myself and life - than I have in months. Maybe years.
Let's go.
Or at least I am officially announcing my intention, in the most unofficially binding way possible (via lj).
I'm applying to grad school.
Bring. It. On.
I made the decision kind of impulsively on Wednesday night. ("Kind of impulsively" because, you know, I've been obsessing about this decision for the past 2 years.) I knew my time was running out to figure out whether or not I wanted to apply this year, and I kept having anxiety dreams the past few weeks, so I finally broke down, cracked open my Grad School guide, and started making a list of different potential programs. And...looking at the different research areas and clinics available, and the program modules/classes, I got really excited. I got this full-bodied craving, like an intellectual/academic lust.
Grad school turns me on. So I'm fucking going for it.
And yes, I have to do a lot of work in a short amount of time (though I already have my GRE scores, personal statement, and [potentially] recommenders from last time, so really not all that much left to do). Yes, it is going to be an uphill battle. Yes, I still don't know if being a clinician is what I was meant to do, what my calling is, what my natural skills most lend themselves to, existential crises blah blah blah. And yes, it is entirely possible that I will get rejected AGAIN.
But, really, all things considered? I didn't do *too* horribly for myself last time. I only applied to 6 programs - *all* Ph.D., mind you - and I got interviews at 4 of them, wait-listed by at least 2. Straight out of undergrad. With the barest skeleton of scraped together research experience. Without having any fucking clue what I was doing because 1) my advisor was absolutely useless and oblivious (psychologists...), and 2) my uncle (who is in the field of academic/research psych) had dissuaded me from applying to Psy.D. programs/following my instincts, and I only decided to apply to Ph.D. programs in *August* before my *senior year*.
Now, I have 2 years of research experience, a potential pending publication on the way (though not coming soon enough), AND a letter of recommendation coming from someone with actual renown in the field. I think this time I actually do have a snowball's chance in hell. Maybe *only* a snowball's chance, but you know. That's still a chance.
(Though the recommendation thing is probably canceled out by two other RAs in my lab who are also applying to Clinical programs this year - one who worked in a lab at Duke and has multiple publications, and the other who has extensive clinical experience with the severely mentally ill - who are probably going to try for many of the same programs I am and who are my direct competition and are way more qualified than me and GRRARGH!)
But, okay. It's true that I might not get in this year either. I am much better prepared for rejection this time around (*better* prepared, not *completely* prepared). If I find out in the Spring that I haven't been accepted, I will almost definitely have a publication out by then, will continue to try to find a job (unsuccessful so far, but hey) to gain more clinical experience, volunteering if I HAVE to, and will get myself ready to apply again next fall, with an even better shot. This is my 2-year plan.
Or I can get a bullshit Masters degree in London for a year. If not for the incredible waste of a large amount of money, I would be all over that right now.
Even if it's a foolhardy and fruitless effort, having made this decision, I feel better - about myself and life - than I have in months. Maybe years.
Let's go.