How I loved to catch your gold and silver tears, but now, my dear, what a dark and dreary life.
Searching gmail and stumbling across old conversations from early February...being able to read the subtle indications of my anxiety that the exchanges were peppered with. And I thought back, and even in the end of January, even before things *really* got started, I felt unsettled. Somehow, I'd forgotten how anxious and depressed I was about everything, even then, even that soon. I'd forgotten how miserable I was for so much time - how miserable I made myself, really. Over meaninglessness. Over nothing, ultimately - no, not "ultimately". Always. I knew what I was doing, knew what I was getting into from the start, and allowed myself to go down that path anyway. And I really didn't need that. I never need anyone's assistance to feel sad and neurotic and unsure of myself. The addition of another person shouldn't make me feel worse about myself and the state of my life. It should make things better.
This is so much better.
This is so much better.