¿Que me cuentas?
Soooo, I needed to expand on this long-ass reply I sent a poor boy for asking me how I was doing. It's the end of what feels like a year long pursuit for a decent landing in this post-pandemic hyperspace asteroid storm. Well, I found one.
It's been a long year, but even a longer past four weeks. Last Wednesday, I went to bed thinking about whether to accept this job with super low pay but high rewards, or just wait for Jovell's job to offer me a job abroad. And I don’t want to frame it like it’s such a cinematic choice between following my heart or following a living a wage. But it’s just funny how months ago I was almost spiraling because I was getting no job offers, no responses to my applications, and I was like, “How do I get out of this rut?”
And there were very dark answers, but also in that very dark lineup was an old friend - an old dependable. I could just, you know, write. So that whatever happens, I will always have my words, my stories, my thoughts. And so I did. I came to Livejournal. I made bingo cards. I picked up three different notebooks. Write, write, write. The idea is to do what I know how to do so that when the time comes, the choice I'll be making won't have to be a choice at all.
Fast forward to May suddenly, I’m bombarded with like these choices that I can’t unhinge from the larger context of living under a Marcos presidency.
So, last week, I went to bed thinking wow. I’m totally confused. I don’t know want to do. Then, the next day I wake up with this message from a friend, a language partner from Barcelona. And he was like “Que me cuentas?”
And I tell him, there's this choice I have to make that feels like a weight on my chest. And he was like, “That’s funny, coz I got offered a job yesterday with bigger pay and everything. And I declined.” And then we started talking a little more seriously about life and he asked me very simple things like, what is that you really want to do and so on.
And it struck me, like, “You know when you know the answer and you just need time to accept it.”
A lot of the elements that eventually helped me finally sign and accept the low pay, high rewards job offer last Friday - my writing, my language partners, my bestfriends - are composed of all the little choices that I have made over time. Some as mundane as replying to a DM or as important and meaningful as helping friends rebuild their confidence. It’s like, in a world of distractions, I have learned that listening and being patient with myself is the butterfly that eventually causes a tsunami in a lifetime.
Or it could just be my age, too. Or the pandemic. Things are slowing down enough for me to notice things I didn’t before. Whatever it is, it makes me imagine time in a circular fashion, of the universe working in circles, handing me cards now that help me understand the ones it withholds until the time comes to put them together.
The surprising thing is I feel like I'm riding an asteroid landing that's built on what I'm chasing and not what's chasing me, and that makes a world of difference.
It's been a long year, but even a longer past four weeks. Last Wednesday, I went to bed thinking about whether to accept this job with super low pay but high rewards, or just wait for Jovell's job to offer me a job abroad. And I don’t want to frame it like it’s such a cinematic choice between following my heart or following a living a wage. But it’s just funny how months ago I was almost spiraling because I was getting no job offers, no responses to my applications, and I was like, “How do I get out of this rut?”
And there were very dark answers, but also in that very dark lineup was an old friend - an old dependable. I could just, you know, write. So that whatever happens, I will always have my words, my stories, my thoughts. And so I did. I came to Livejournal. I made bingo cards. I picked up three different notebooks. Write, write, write. The idea is to do what I know how to do so that when the time comes, the choice I'll be making won't have to be a choice at all.
Fast forward to May suddenly, I’m bombarded with like these choices that I can’t unhinge from the larger context of living under a Marcos presidency.
So, last week, I went to bed thinking wow. I’m totally confused. I don’t know want to do. Then, the next day I wake up with this message from a friend, a language partner from Barcelona. And he was like “Que me cuentas?”
And I tell him, there's this choice I have to make that feels like a weight on my chest. And he was like, “That’s funny, coz I got offered a job yesterday with bigger pay and everything. And I declined.” And then we started talking a little more seriously about life and he asked me very simple things like, what is that you really want to do and so on.
And it struck me, like, “You know when you know the answer and you just need time to accept it.”
A lot of the elements that eventually helped me finally sign and accept the low pay, high rewards job offer last Friday - my writing, my language partners, my bestfriends - are composed of all the little choices that I have made over time. Some as mundane as replying to a DM or as important and meaningful as helping friends rebuild their confidence. It’s like, in a world of distractions, I have learned that listening and being patient with myself is the butterfly that eventually causes a tsunami in a lifetime.
Or it could just be my age, too. Or the pandemic. Things are slowing down enough for me to notice things I didn’t before. Whatever it is, it makes me imagine time in a circular fashion, of the universe working in circles, handing me cards now that help me understand the ones it withholds until the time comes to put them together.
The surprising thing is I feel like I'm riding an asteroid landing that's built on what I'm chasing and not what's chasing me, and that makes a world of difference.