paper shoes
i need a very long extended break.
i need some time to myself to figure out where i want this life to go and how i'm going to fit everyone and everything in it.
i have been horrible to my family, despite how awful they have made me feel growing up and still to this day, i am better than that.
i have been horrible to the love of my life for 4 years and all he's done is stuck by me and loved me.
i was just too blind to see it.
i'm on an emotional roller coaster and it's not ever going to end, unless i decide to get off the track.
i deserve to be happy and all i've done to myself is find a million ways to make myself just the opposite of that. what good can come from this? how will this benefit me? how has it?
it's not my surroundings that make me this way, it's me. i am in fact my own worst enemy. i am my arch nemesis. i'm the dysfunction. the only way to sort that out is to sort it out alone.
i spend a good portion of my adult life being a drifter. i lost myself a thousand times and i have never really stopped to see what i lost and tried to reclaim the good that lays inside of me. i am afraid of everyone. i've been hurt so many times that i'm hurtful all the time, just in case. then when people leave i'm always screaming about why. i know why. i pushed them to the brink of insanity. i've made their mind crack in ways that even i couldn't tolerate. why? because i can.
everyone around me sets my emotions off into paths that i can't stand. i feel everything. i don't just feel some of it, i'm too empathetic. i'm emotional and i have a fragile mind. i'm a bit of a puritan, but in the dark i'm anything but. i have to come to accept myself and i have not done that and the price of me failing to do that, is i'm going to push everything into the trash and throw it away, like always.
i am above where i came from. i am above what was done to me as a child, as a teenager, and what i have done to myself. i kicked that poor girl into the corner and left her there to bleed and die a slow, horrible death. why? because i'm afraid. i've always been afraid. i have a huge bravado that's false and breakable. i use my strengths to pin down someone's weakness and then i attact. i don't think before i say things. i don't take into consideration the damage i am doing to someone or what's around me.
i have to take some time to just sit down and write again. that was the one thing i terminated from my life and that was one of the worst mistakes i have ever made. the time i took to just put all of my past, my present, and my future on paper, on screen, on anything really gave me time to reflect. it allowed me to process the emotional from the rational and the rational from the emotional. since i stopped doing that, i've become all of the things i have feared. i'm cold and hard and insensitive.
it's okay to be sensitive and loving. i'm actually really good at it, but it's also okay for me to say to someone that they're bad for me and i can't handle the state they're in. we all have our demons and our angels. that is just apart of being alive. i stopped living and for that my well being has suffered.
no i don't care about the same childish bullshit i did when i was 19. yes, i'm in a committed relationship that i'm destroying, but now i just want to remind myself and him why we fell in love. we are perfect for one another and i''ll be damned if i let this fail. i have made my mother realize that she has created me to a degree, but she doesn't own me. i am nearly 30 years old. i don't need approval. i know what i'm doing. i have a beautiful little sister that i want to have me. the real me. the one who hides inside of this skin and is afraid to come out. i want to be that girl who loves the sunshine, the forest, the mountains, the water, the everything i stopped loving. i want her back and the only way i'm going to do that is to seek myself out, once again.
i am going to remind myself and everyone else why i'm worth it.
i am worth it.
but no one will see that until i let them. i need a vacation from my head. yes i love granola, i love acoustic music, i love my boyfriend, i love my cats, i love my family, i love my friends, and i love just being quiet. i don't always have to be the rock. i don't always have to talk. it's fine to let people just see me and the only person i want to see me right now is myself and him. he'll understand when i strip it away, what's really ticking in here. i have to move on with my life. i have a career that i'm going to advance in. i have that. all i want is him and the life we both know we deserve.
i'm not walking away. i'm just taking a break and hiding for a bit. i need it.