help me
I was a little girl once. I was a little girl when all of this stuff happened to me. A fragile, not yet molded young lady who experienced bad things - bad things that no one should experience let alone someone so young. It became part of my mold, something that will never leave. An everlasting thorn that may go away for a short time when something good is applied, only to come back when exposed to something certain. That little girl never healed. She never had the right remedies. She was pushed away from all sides. Leaving one group of friends, trying to push forward and being pushed backwards by the ignorance of parents. The lost little child hid, feeling that she had to leave it all behind and grow up immediately. Let's act like we don't care and show no pain, even though it was always there, just buried very deeply. I will seem like a child, so scared of everything and then she'll bury herself again. She's still with me. She's the cause of my discontent, lodged deep into my brain like innocence of a devil as my conscience. All she wants to do is see what she wants to see, hear what she wants to hear...and then she'll go on. She wants the impossible of me. I can never be content because she wont let me have what I want, I wont ever know because she'll confuse me into thinking that I have something due to her. She wont let me be until I give her what she wants. I try to give her alternatives: amazing guys, new experiences, a little bit of fun now and then. It holds her off for a time but then I find those feelings kick in again. She makes me not care. I'll see him crying and I'll dismiss it, I'll do things for people because it's a reflex - it's in my nature to do so, so I do it. But do I care? Somewhere in this body I do. I am frozen over again and all I want to do is melt.
Why didn't I let him in?
They say never look back. Ha. That was one of my downfalls. I used to think that I only had two choices. To do it, or don't do it. I thought this because those were the choices given. Why didn't I give choices back as an answer to those choices? I've lost you now, haven't I? I wish you could read my mind and tell me what's going on. I can't get anyone to understand or to help me. Is contentment beyond my reach? Too much to ask for, for only a few people? Why didn't I look back?! Why did I ever lie?! Why did I let my childish intrigue bring me to this?! I could have avoided so many things. That's the haunting thing ladies and gentlemen!
I. KNOW. EVERY. WAY. I. COULD. HAVE. AVOIDED. THIS.
I don't know any way I can get rid of it without hurting someone, and you know me. I wont do it. So that's why I don't know what I want anymore. I know one or two things, but they'll both hurt. One I'll do soon and then other is questionable. I have a lot of good things going for me right now and that I am completely aware of. I'll take advantage of all of that and I will succeed. It will make me happy for a short time. I guess that's all that matters, doesn't it? I'm so incredibly fucking tired. 14 hours of sleep can't make up for how tired I am. My heart is tired. I feel like I'm old already. I've missed out on so many things and all I want is to enjoy what I have.
I don't want therapy (well, I don't know if I do or not) but I obviously need it. I need a vacation and I need to clear my mind. It doesn't feel cloudy, not empty either. It's full...full of chaos, confusion. Crammed in there...memories and unanswered questions. I just want to free myself of this cage.
I. JUST. WANT. TO . BE.