stuffs

[wendeliz]

i don't have a very good relationship with my mom, and she hates my husband, so when she called my house early saturday morning i was surprised, and a little worried. she called to tell me in her delightfully pesimmistic way that my grandpa had cancer all over his stomach and intestines and will probably die very soon. she then started babbling about something else so i got off the phone rather abruptly, which i feel a little guilty about because it is her father who is dying. but i don't think i need to worry about her, she loves wallowing in her own self-pity.
anyway
we had people over for the whole weekend, and my grandpa is in Utah, so first off i coudln't really focus on it, and now it just seems surreal. the reality of the situation hasn't hit me yet, i feel vaguely sad when i try and think about my grandpa, but most off i feel nothing. not to say i don't love him, i have been very close to him, and i don't feel guilty for not feeling anything. because i know i do feel it's just too much for me to handle. i was really sick this morning coming into work, when i force my emotions down i just get sick, headaches and nausea...blah. he's not even gone yet, and i miss him, with a sort of resigned regretful ache.

i don't know. i'm just trying to figure out what i'm feeling...and most of all to actually feel it. i miss him. i hope he doesn't suffer.